Moshe, I was thinking of you this past Shabbos.  I recently heard R'Zev Leff say over a mashal of a man who had aspirations to have lots and lots of money.  He davened and davened to Hashem to grant him to win the lottery and promised to use the money only for tzedakah and maasim tovim.  Hashem you have nothing to loose only to gain he pleaded.  After every shmone esreh he would spend 20 minutes davening to win the lotto with intense kavana.  This went on 3 times a day for years.  Finally after 20 years, the melachim came to Hashem and said, Its enough already we can't take this any longer, can You just let him win the lottery already?  Hashem answered, I have no problem with this, but he never bought a ticket.
Please don't take this the wrong way, Moshe, but I know you have aspirations to get better, but perhaps you haven't tried the right "ticket" yet.  There were several suggestions mentioned above (taphisch method, fixing your filter, reach out more often) that perhaps can be worked on better.  Its worked for others, I am sure it can for you as well.

I promised to post twice a day for a week, don't know how I can last posting, posting is hard.  I'm having a very hard time staying sober, work is stressful and porn is a easy and great escape.
 

Kedusha wrote on 05 Nov 2010 14:58:


Iv'e tried the tzedoka thing, been there done that and it  didn't work.  I have made many gedorim including no internet, white list only, accountability, giveing tzedoka unless I do something first and much much more.

I'm happy to hear it worked for  you as I am happy to read how a thousand other things work for everyone else.  that's what makes me soooo damm hopeless, that NOTHING works for me.

I know if I pick the phone before acting out it will help but I CAN'T pick the phone up, it's against my very nature, it's like telling me to just stop acting out, it doesn't work and just pick the phone up doesn't work for me either.  Most of the recovery techniques work if you just stick to them consistently.  The thing is, I can't just do them consistently, posting on this site twice a day is a good idea but it's hard and I doubt it will last very long.  I hate posting especially when I know I am being judged as a person who is unwilling to take the actions needed.  It's even harder to pick the phone up and call someone.

Do I need to take recovery more seriously and not only when i'm desperate after acting out for a week, probably yes.  The problem is that feeling of desperation doesn't last long when I'm sober.  Have I hit bottom? probably not boruh hashem. 

MosheF wrote on 08 Nov 2010 20:33:


It seems that not doing any of those things isn't working either.  At least this way, you'd be giving some Tzedaka!

I suggest that you give $1.00 to Tzedaka if, c"v, you were to fall.  Just $1.00.  How will such a small amount stop you?  Well, the next time you have to give double.  No problem, that's only $2.00!  Yes, but you see, it will keep doubling each time, until fall #10 will cost you $512.  You can modify the rules so that they work best for you.

MosheF wrote on 08 Nov 2010 20:33:

Still, the regret for acting out probably feels much worse than feeling stupid and calling somone.

--Eye.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 09 Nov 2010 06:38:


By many orders of magnitude!

Kedusha wrote on 09 Nov 2010 13:36:


by more times than kedushas clean days and posts put together![

Instead of calling and speaking to someone, how about texting or chatting with people?  There's less shame involved, especially since the person chatting doesn't really know you.  I am sure there are a handfull of guys reading this (myself included) who are willing to be "on call" for you 24/6.

Stuart wrote on 09 Nov 2010 14:10:


And for those who understand how lethal this addiction is, you need to consider who you would reach out to on Shabbos, should the need arise.

Shabbos Wow! Thank you kedusha for putting that on the table.

Reb Moshe, I'm available anytime on Google Talk
Jewinpain

jewinpain wrote on 09 Nov 2010 15:47:


Anytime, 24/7; or anytime, 24/6? 

On shabbos he's gana have to get me by calling the dispatcher & they will get me on the radio

jewinpain wrote on 09 Nov 2010 15:55:


GYE should have its own branch of Hatzala, radios and all!

I'm still sober although I almost acted out this morning.  Here's the deal, I agree to reach out by either posting on this forum or to someone on Google Chat prior to acting out and if I don't  then I will put a certain amount of money in the garbage (tzedoka makes me feel good).  I am extremely tight in cash so I am using a small amount.

This agreement is in force until next Tuesday iy'h excluding shabbos or in middle of the night.  Both of those times are generally not a problem for me.

reb MosheF,
what you just did is precious. ashrecha!
keep it up!
you are a winner because you are staying in the game. don't let anyone tell you differently.

zs