Sturggle!!!!

Hey buddy long time, please check in and let your friends know how you doin!
:D

Yiddle, Dov, and BeStrong,
Thanks for writing.
I am doing alright, tG.
I know that's not much to say after more than a month of not posting,
but that's what I got for now.

All the best!

I'm going to take this opportunity to reintroduce myself,
so if anyone is reading this, they know who I am (kind of),
without having to go elsewhere to figure me out.

I am in my mid-20s and have been on this forum now for more than a year.
I grew up in a frum (and modern) home in the U.S. and I now live in Israel.
I have a problem with porn and masturbation and,
like some others who have joined the ranks here,
I have same-sex attractions (ssa).

I am working on both the behavioral aspect
of quitting the cycle of the aforementioned actions,
and the deeper psychological aspect of the attractions.

With all that being said, I am here to post that I fell last night.
A couple of weeks ago I had a streak of 30 days clean,
and for the last couple of weeks, I have been having a hard time staying clean,
although I did manage a full week.

The falls are definitely an opportunity to grow,
to learn more about my patterns, about different parts of myself.
As of now, it is pretty clear to me that one major part of all of this,
is that I have a voice inside of me that is saying, "I'm not good enough."
When this voice gets triggered, things are not so easy for me.
I am working on seeing that voice for what it is, a.k.a. not really me,
and strengthening who I am and seeing that I am "good enough."

well, I hope we aren't fasting tonight/tomorrow, but in case we still are,
may it be a meaningful and easy day for all of us.

to those of you who know me and to those of you who don't yet,
b'ahava,

Sturggle

Don't let it get to you, fell schmell, the real you can bring simcha to others even when it is hard. I wish you all the best!

These days I am trying to refrase my thoughts. Instead of saying: I gotta do this, I say: I could do this. Just a thought.

Its good to have you back sturggle. I was wondering what happened to you.

If you wanna chat you know where to find me. We can chat about anything not just lust related stuff.

I'm here if you want.

-Yiddle

Yehoshua, thanks for the response.
"I could" is def better than "I gotta."

Yiddle, hope all is well with you too.

So, last week I fell and I think I know what
the more immediate triggers were.
I had a bit of an argument with my dad.
B"H, I was in somewhat similar situations
with him throughout the week and
I was able to, with HKB"H's unceasing help,
react more appropriately or not at all.
Today is my 7th day clean.

Shavua tov.

as my therapist mentioned in our last session,
B"H that my father has not really changed
and I am still being hurt by him,
at least it is fairly clear how I'm at where I'm at
and dealing with the issues that I'm dealing with.
some people are confused about that and have to really dig into their past.
the answers are in my face all the time.

going to sleep, I think 8/9 days clean.
sweet dreams to all.
when you get around to having them, that is.

That's a good point, and I like your way of looking at it.

Keep on rocking!

thanks sb.

the thing with going to sleep upset at my dad
is that inevitably i will wake up
still harboring some negative feelings towards him.
i need to work on my kavanos in the first paragraph
of kriyas shema al hamita, you know,
ribono shel olam, hareini mochel lkol mi sheh...

doesn't help out that i'm stressed out a bit too.
time to take a deep breath and be here for myself for a few minutes.
this morning in the middle of davening,
i had some strong feelings about acting out.
it passed, but i wonder where it was coming from.
how it was serving me. not that it's so hard to tell.
i'm stressed, i'm feeling lousy in regards to my dad,
so, hey..., i'm not feeling so good, and i want to feel good,
(random, yet familiar voice pops up in my head)
i know what can make you feel good...
(add in some diabolical laughter and it's to tell who's talking)

well on to another day! oh and i can feel good in other ways.
by being present with myself (what does that mean?!) for example.
like i said before, time to take a deep breath, or two,
and be here with myself for a few.

have a great one! and for those of you who didn't get to the dreams yet,
may they still be sweet!

Welcome again to the forum, Sturggle.

Just my 2 agurot worth--

I think, when we are upset with our parents, it is partly because we wish they would change, and partly because we think WE COULD MAKE THEM CHANGE!  If only I had the right argument, if only I new a more convincing way to make my point.

Realizing that WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT OUR PARENTS, though it may sound like hopelessness, I think is liberating instead.

Don't know if that helps.  But for me, thinking, "they've got a problem, there's nothing I can do," has really given me peace of mind.  (Though, it took a decade or two to finally realize this and accept it).

(And, by the way, this works with other annoying people too).

Good luck,

  Eye.

Hey Eye!

You make a good point.
It's something that I have been working on
and am working on now.
A decade or two you say?
Well, I'll just keep on working on it.
To sum up what you said,
if I can be in touch with the fact
that another person or even situation
is the way it is, that's their stuff,
not mine, so what am I getting upset about?
Let's separate, I'm totally ok.
Whatever is going with them is for them to deal with.

So..., patterns have been created
and have to be worked out of
and time it will take.
With HKB"H's help!

Excellent point, Eye. I know it's been true to me, though I probably haven't reached the level you have.

Sometimes, it's also helpful to be able to accept the anger or other negative feelings you do have. It's kinda similar to our other issues - once these emotions are out in the open, they're often less dangerous.

SB, out in the open to whom?

it's been a few days.
B"H, moving along.
something is going on for me now,
i feel it inside and my body is responding,
but i'm not sure exactly what it is yet.
going to take some time today
to listen and understand what it might be
and what is bringing it on.

otherwise, still clean.
i think it's three weeks.
now, today is the focus.
may it be a good one for all.

Amen!

Sorry I didn't respond to your last message - open to yourself, mostly. But part of doing that on a real level is opening up to others, I think.