B"H, the night was uneventful.
Now a new day begins...
I am scared going into today.

"I can make it."
"I know what I need to do."
"Just give in."
"It's too hard."
"You're not good enough."
"Yes I am!"
"Yes I am!"
"Yes I am! I am! I am!"
(green eggs and ham?! :-\ ???)

Well, off to work we go...
(schoolwork, btw)

A few minutes ago I checked out a link in an email-type thingy from a good friend. There was an ad on the side of the page that popped up. It was not healthy for me and I turned the page up to avoid the torture and the danger.

OK....now comes the fun part:

A minute later it occurred to me to do something to let him know it was not a great link to send to me. I wanted - really wanted - to check the ad out again, cuz maybe the one I saw was not the normal pop up for that page. Maybe it just happened to be that kind of ad this time. Maybe i should just leave him alone...I just had to check it out!

Heh, heh.... :

Something in my gut said to me: "Is it worth perhaps maybe jeopardizing sobriety for this? Why risk it at all?" My sobriety is like a delicate glass object that cost me my entire life savings. I carry it around with me and it's a bit crazy, but there's no place else to keep it, cuz it's my sanity! Stupid to carry around, but - here it is! Can't afford to get too distracted from it or it may just roll out of my hands and crash to the floor. Not enough crazy glue in Bellview to put it back together again....

So I just let my friend know in a cryptic way and went on. Not my business to make a big deal about it and I'm not here to save the world from themselves, either. If you read it, thanks for letting me share that and:

Have a great Shabbos, Sturggle!

Dov, happy to let you pitch your tent here.
Thank you for sharing!

Gut shabbos!

You are welcome, but I didn't mean to pitch any tent, just to reflect off what you wrote before:

and what Bestrong88 wrote about taking risks:

Sharing the wealth that's not mine, that's all...

Hello Sturggle,

Nice place you have here....LOVE your tie, I used to have curtains that looked like that...

I've been working at trying to figure out the hidden message behind your spelling, and I figured it out finally.

Like all of us addicts here at GYE, UR in the right place, just backwards!!

We all have to learn to look FORWARD, be positive, and not to let the Satan Mei-achareicha pull us backwards. forget the past. Shelve it. Move forward, realizing how GOOD you are, a new positive step each day. Do more chesed to feel how much better of a person you are, to believe in yourself more (not for geivah/ego). down the line, when we are less emotionally attached to a particular aveira moment, THEN it's safe to analyze it and look for new ways to learn and grow from it. But for now, KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

Look over Bard's thread from a few weeks back, and you'll see how an EVED HASHEM handles a fall, and HIS was in the last week before having a ONE YEAR STREAK of being clean! there's a LOT of great perspective over dere....

Have a GREAT SHABBOS!!!!

Steve,

great to hear from you,
although, I'm not really sure what you're getting at.
and who's wearing a tie?

sturggle wrote on 13 Apr 2010 19:43:


I repeat: I am NOT getting old and fat.
I am developing HUGE, POWERFUL MUSCLES which enable me to SIT for extended periods of time!

That's what i'm getting at.

Keep going strong, bro.

smile and nod
smile and nod

i mean, i hear what you're saying...
thanks for the input

so, i'm at my parents once again (a.k.a. unfiltered computers)
and i somehow got onto the page of the history
and seemingly last night i was on an inappropriate site,
so i double checked it, b/c to my recollection i was not on any such site,
and no Reb B, Rage, and others, I was not drunk,
anyway, was bad, and with all the temptations,
i left the site after a a few seconds of staring (ok, it happens)
and deleted the history, phew, close call...
not easy on day 8, although might never be (right, Dov?)

otherwise i am doing alright, B"H,
chodesh tov!

Wow..sounds like a solid trap by the y"h - and you're still standing! That's great!

sturggle wrote on 15 Apr 2010 08:16:


Amazing! That story (real life) of yours gives me much chizuk. There are many times where we take one step "backward" and the yetzer tells us, ok thats it throw in the towel. But you fought back and with HKBH you decided that being clean is so much more worth a few minutes of false pleasure. You can be proud of this accomplishment and the steps you've taken to achieve this. But remember, the Yetzer will probably strike back again today ... Stay prepared!

Have a good one

Be

well, bam bam,
the y"h got me, again,
but no giving into him now,
with Hashem's help,
i will make it through the rest of the day,
i have work to do here...

what could i do better next time?
how am i to avoid this?
my therapist says im lacking commitment,
so what am i committing to?
and how do i outsmart that sly fox the y"h
cause sometimes he gets me way too easy

funny thing is,
now im feeling like i could use some comfort,
and my body knows one way i can get that,
so do my emotions or my heart if you will.

i do not control my feelings or my body,
i can take control over my thoughts and actions,
yeah, i think even us "addicts" can,
albeit very difficult and at times painful

where can i get some real comfort?
or am i not meant to?

i wonder if this means that no one has any good answers.
that could be disheartening..., i'll take it in stride.

The really good answers are within you Sturggle.

REAL comfort comes from a feeling of self worth,
of feeling our lives are at least facing the right direction even if we have not yet moved more than one step forward towards it.
Real comfort means allowing Hashem to lead - not just expecting Him to follow.

Try get out of yourself, find something or someone to give too, and keep connecting to real people and real life.

Wishes for a relaxing, rejuvenating and ruchnius Shabbos kodesh,
mom