so people are posting about depression all over the forum,
im going to relate some thoughts of mine here.
i also called battleworn last night to talk
and he shared with me a lot of the yesodos
that have already been mentioned elsewhere.

that being said, my therapist is very big on this,
my feelings are not in my control.
my actions are. as are my thoughts.
i can (and i do!!) let my actions and thoughts
get pulled into the box with my feelings
and be trapped
or i can realize that my actions are mine and all mine.
bechira, Gdly gift.

so, yesterday, i went into Yerushalayim to meet my therapist,
wasnt a very exciting meeting,
i sat there most of the time like this
and even got to some of this :'(,
but i went. and then i came home.
i was going to stick around and maybe meet up with a friend
but i couldn't handle it.
there was also a hachnasas sefer torah in the neighborhood
last night and i've been planning to go.
big mitzvah and simchah and all that.
i was so not in the mood to go.
i did, though. that was my action.
that was my choice, being upset wasn't,
but i could at least decide what to do.
תורת ה' תמימה משיבת נפש
I wasn't so into the dancing or the singing
I even was about to break down a couple of times,
B"H that I had that to go to yesterday.
HUG.

I am starting to feel
loneliness and sadness
getting stronger again...

I even just had a quick lapse
of a desire to find some quick escape,
tG and Guard for my filter!!

I have an idea of something I can do,
and mincha is around now anyway.

mincha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  8)

Hey Rebbe...,
Did I ever mention that I hate myself?...
I'm going to do an errand now that I don't want to do.
Bye.

sturggle wrote on 01 Oct 2009 15:36:


Where do we see in the Torah that it's a Mitzvah to love yourself?

I'll give the Chevra a chance before I post the answer (it's not very hard).

P.S. This is post number 700!

P.S. This is post number 700!


bard 1400

g__ 2800

see the pattern

shabbos kodesh?
v'ahavta l'reacha kamocha?

sturggle wrote on 01 Oct 2009 15:53:


V'ahavta l'Reacha Kamocha is what I was looking for.

shabbos kodesh was a response to bardichev.
the second one was for kedusha.
and, so?
i am not good at keeping many of the mitzvos.
i should (my therapist says thats a bad word) prob go back to cleaning my room,
blast some music
and get off this computer.

sturggle wrote on 01 Oct 2009 15:36:


k. i want you to go one page back and reread my thread
and then reread what mom said

i mean business.
no more looking in the mirror and saying i hate you.
cuz then i'm gonna be upset.
no reason to hate yourself
what has happened happened, no way to change it. you can only affect your future. and the only way to affect your future positively is by being
positive.
oh come on just smile.

btw- this is helping me tons. cuz _{i hate myself too. shhhh} so really i'm just giving myself a pep talk. and i'm practicing it in front of you to see if it works.

habib,

first of all, keep up the pep talk,
it's good for all of us.
second of all, it's not about what happened,
and i don't have so much control over my future,
it's the present i can work on.
and, hence, i don't like myself
(i decided hate is too intense of a word).
i don't like myself right here, right now.
and i know im just doing this to myself
and its all about my attitude,
so, ok, i hate my attitude
(i decided to be intense again).

oh man! acting out was so much easier than this!

sturggle wrote on 01 Oct 2009 16:09:


Don't have nostalgia for acting out.  Acting out is most likely a major contributing factor to the feelings of self-dislike.

i dunno about that.
i think it's a vicious cycle,
acting out contributes,
but i think my self-dislike
is alive and healthy
on its own two feet.

sturggle wrote on 01 Oct 2009 16:24:


Perhaps, but a major step you can take is to end what you acknowledge is a vicious cycle.  Any self-dislike that may remain will likely be much more manageable.

I hear that.
I can't really work on anything
if I'm still acting out.
True. Yesod.
Working on that.
Not to have nostalgia...,
that's hard...

Kedusha,
Thanks for posting here
and putting up with me.