struggle wrote on 07 Sep 2009 20:57:

i do not rant!
yup just think happy thoughts.
great song.
sleep well.
you will not fall
love ya man-uri

p.s. sorry im nt calling im also really exhausted.long day.thats y im not even posting in my own thread.im heading to sleep too

happy thoughts...
i will not fall...

:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

i'm still confused if i fell or not. i am leaning towards not.
i had a very vivid dream. i think i woke up only towards the very end and i'm not even sure. i don't remember too well, except that i know i was motzi zera and i was feeling "al hapanim" (that's bad for those of you who are not familiar). it was literally in between sleep and wakefulness, a weird place of consciousness if even that.
i don't know what to think about it.
i was lying in bed, thinking, that's it, i have to go post now that i fell. and im a sponsee for a donation to the forum, which i will mess up and i just got through a few days that were really hard for me and now i fall?!! and i would have to face guard... (you know what i'm referring to). and i just passed my record from my last streak...

i drifted off, back to sleep and had to work on getting myself out of bed. i then realized that it was the perfect move by the y"h. he is going to get me in my sleep and just as the dream is ending, he wakes me up to feel the shame, the down and, of course, why shouldn't i just give in right then? go for another one while fully conscious and enjoy every second of it. don't get up for shacharis. be miserable, so what if you have a lot to do today? no one is waiting on you, you could just stay in bed... cry, cry, cry...

thanks buddy, but NO!!!

i'm going to count this one as a mikreh layla. if anyone else feels otherwise, please say so... this is also not pashut for me, cause i feel like i might be cheating the system... you see, i could go back and forth forever, beating myself no matter w
hich direction i go in..., but, anyway, enough of that..., i'm moving on. i set myself a certain amount of time to be on the forum and then i will go take care of other things that i need to do. yes, chevra, i am still studying..., more exams..., yeah...

so, i got out of bed this morning, went to shacharis, davened so so, but i was there. i even sat myself down to learn some parsha after davening and i had a good breakfast. btw, parshat hashavua is a huge hug from HKB"H. a little scary too...

thank You HKB"H for helping me pick up my feet and move. thank You for giving me this site, so that i can share what i'm feeling and going through and not be alone.

Wow struggle
i am so impressed
really
you are so strong man,im jealous!
keep trucking
you dont realize how many people get such chizzuk from reading your posts (like me)
have a good day
well speak
-uri

Isn't it just unbelievable how dirty that menuval plays? He has no idea what it means to admit defeat!

Well, who cares? We know the truth: "STRUGGLE" IS BLASTING THE MENUVAL!!! The score is 10000000000000000000000000000000 to o

Struggle, just read your thread. IMPRESSED, big time ;D ;D ;D Keep going!

Dear Struggle,

It was neither a slip nor a fall.  It was a Mikreh Layla, which is perfectly normal for someone who is single (even married folks have them on occasion).  Whether you think you woke up halfway in the middle is irrelevant - you were not acting with Bechira.  You're doing great - do not let what happened bother you even for a minute.

Kedusha wrote on 08 Sep 2009 14:03:


oh well, been there, done that.

Uri, Battle, Trying and Kedusha,

thanks for your words of chizuk. i have accomlished some things today that i wanted to, but i haven't been feeling so great. i even sat to learn for a couple of hours and it was really hard for me to get myself to focus. one of my friends called me and i told him i was going to learn so his response was great and i couldnt help thinking, GREAT?!! WHY GREAT? I DON'T WANT TO GO LEARN!! i just want to go home and act out..., i wonder if ill remember anything i learn. my thoughts are so involved elsewhere..., every second takes so much effort...

guys, i'm trying to get through this, but i have no will or strength. ive only gotten this far thanks to HKBH and im scared im going to forget about Him... and fall... i'm not so good at saying explicitly that i need help, but please give me some chizuk here...

Dear Struggle,

Tell yourself that today is out of the question.  The y"h needs to give you more notice (preferably, at least two weeks!).  Tomorrow has its own challenges, but your Avodah is TODAY.

kedusha paskined that this morning was not a fall.
now i know you feel lousy, and maybe you're feeling like you already half fell, so you might as well stop feeling half guilty and just go the whole way, but just understand this.
YOU ARE STILL HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you've been battling this YH for so so long,and how many times has he gotten you to fall?
but now you've been winning for a really long time.
so the YH is just trying to trick you into feeling depressed and falling.
not worth it, believe me.

listen, man, you got to get strong for us newbies...right around the time i signed up here, dj am was found dead in a nyc apt overdosed on crack...this guy, dj am, was a celeb well known for his drug filled past but he seemed to have turned it around...he wrote a book and was featured all over the media about his personal 10 year triumph over his cocaine addiction....he was even in the middle of filming a reality tv series in which he goes around and helps other addicts turn it around...and this mfer winds up dead one friday afternoon after going on a crack binge...wtheck man? if i were a crack addict and i read that story i would just go and hang myself...well here you are with your four stars and senior status talking about wanting to fall off the boat...you know what im thinking? im thinking its been 10 days of hell for me, its gonna be another 80 days of worse hell for me and then one night ill have a dream or something and poof its all gonna be for naught, why should i even start this...i can just picture dj am in a club somewhere and some jerk lights up a reefer so he decides that by smelling the mary jane he's done for, goes home, throws out everything hes done and binges on crack...no siree, youre NOT! because if you do, I will hang myself but before i do i will hunt you down and skin you...jj i wont really but only because i have no clue who you are and ive got a lot to do today at work...but you get the point

Mikre laylah. Psak.

More later (chizuk e-mail's late today...sorry everyone)

Thanks guys for your responses...

I'm not really up to writing much right now and now because I'm down, just because I'm not, but I want to respond to Rage's post...

I hear you man. Loud and clear. And I would like to be clear as well. I've been here for a bit, I've posted a lot and tried to get into things. I have a long way to go. Maybe one day HKB"H will see the efforts I've been putting in and overnight things will change. As a gift from Him. Like we say about learning Torah. It's hard all the time, until one day, HKB"H gives us some understanding as a matana. My work is my work and your work is yours. It may be similar and it may be very different. We each got to do our own thing. I want to post to others and be involved in this forum because it's keeping me alive. I have a hard time working slowly through things and I know that's a challenge for me here to really improve on myself and grow. Nothing comes easy and quick, nothing that's real anyway. The dream didn't throw me off too much. I've been having a hard time for the last few days, hek, for the last couple of months and in and out for the last 25 years... This is who I am, this is what I'm dealing with. One day, if I am zoche to be in a place of writing a book or even to post here as someone who has been through this and has gotten to the other side, if there is one, then we can talk about me letting you down...

Dear Struggle, it seems clear to me that not only are you "struggling" with the addiction, you are also struggling with very low self-esteem, depression, and a host of other things, like a difficult upbringing as well. All these things together are what is making it so difficult for you in this struggle, and the fact you are still holding out blows my mind. You must have a very high soul, not only because Hashem trusted you with so many tests, but because you are actually doing so well! It is truly unbelieveable. Still, this can't work for the long-term without therapy (unless you are super-man). You desperately need a good addiction therapist, and I can suggest to you quite a few good ones in the Jerusalem area. Please Struggle, this is your life and eternity we are talking about. Don't be afraid to take the jump. Nothing should stand in your way.

Love you,
Guard.
(Head nut of the funny farm).

struggle wrote on 08 Sep 2009 18:39:


so youre saying you cant let me down now but You're planning on letting me down in the future? Listen, i know youve only been here since June and thats not a very long time but its still over three months...i would like to think that yes, during those three months “youve received reward for your work and there is hope for your end,” it has not been for naught and your three months here have not been futile...

what happened to the dude who posted on the ides of july, "13 days... B"H, may He give me the strength to continue and when strength isn't good enough or not what i need, may He be there to support me"?

Man, your July postings sound just like mine are now (ok mine are a bit more crass)...we have a very different battle but we're fighting the same war...i have not delusioned myself to think that after a week or so i am at the war's end or even anywhere near it, hell, I don’t think ive even really begun to fight,  but i would like to think that i am different today than i was then, if even so slightly...i pray that I can get anywhere near three months the way you have…

Im not saying that you are or should be now after only three months where djam was in his 10th year against cocaine but we look to each other for inspiration - is it too much that I am asking you to be inspirational? I am not asking you to tell me you’ve won this war or even that it is winnable,  I just want to see the fight in you, the guy who in July said “I am today counting my 7th day clean…I pray that HKB"H will give me the strength to keep moving forward one step/rung (I like the ladder idea) after another, no matter what happens along the way” and not the guy in September who says, “i have no will or strength. ive only gotten this far thanks to HKBH and im scared im going to forget about Him”  

It's time to change your name from "RAGE AT THE MACHINE"  to "LMFJ".

1000 points for whoever gets that one.