k sis. i dont know how much i can though... i need all of you to take care of me right now...

I'm usually here. and since i haven't yet found a job, i may be here even more often than i like. just say the word, ok?
it's bed time by you. go to sleep.
exhaustion is never good.

im sitting in my apt right now and have been having a pretty rough day, for those of you who haven't yet noticed...
a few hours ago, i picked myself up out of my apt and went to daven maariv, didnt make it through with much kavana, but i made it through... i believe that whatever i feel i may not be able to control but my actions are in my hands, so i took myself there, one step after another...
after davening, i went to sit down in a nearby cafe with my computer, so i could eat dinner and keep in touch here, cause i needed it..., the internet was not working so well, so i couldnt really post or read anything.
after that i was ready to fall. thats what i wanted. or felt that i wanted anyway. i had it. 20 days clean, whatever, i cant take it anymore. i was devising my way out/down...
around the corner is a video machine where i could rent movies and they have a selection of things i shouldnt go close to near, but i went to check it out. of course, i was trying to be discreet, and it was good b/c they dont have pics of the movies, only titles...
i was so tempted to get something..., and i thought, ill get it but i wont mas******, ill just watch it and enjoy, what else can i do right now anyway?!! i have no control, no will, no desire to do anything else...
and then i thought, hey, that's considered a fall on gye if i watch that stuff..., how can i tell them that i fell..., i dont want to do that, but im so done for anyway!!!
AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
eventually, after standing there for a good few minutes, i turned back to my apt emptyhanded, still ready to take a plunge of any sort. every two-legged being, man or woman, (there were some four-legged creatures as well) made my thoughts go in all different directions...
i had to get back to my apt and open my computer to be here with you guys...
the video machine is still close by..., unfiltered computer on campus are also just a few minutes away..., and running away to tel aviv is also not a far option..., even sitting in my room on my own is an unsafe place

uri and tomim have been watching my back..., tomim even called me, which i know is not pashut for him..., i just need to stick here with you guys until i go to sleep...
please help me get through the night...

struggle

habib613 wrote on 06 Sep 2009 19:55:


now ur telling me what to do...
is that a sister thing?
my 13 year old sister tells me what to do also!
are you 13?!
stam... u make a good point..., but 11 isn't bed time at my age anymore...

Struggle, we understand you so well. This is the disease talking to you. It makes us insane and self-destructive. It works best when we are feeling down. If you can just go to sleep, take a nap, or if you can just distract yourself with something else, like a jog or exercise or a good book; just push through and you'll feel so much better tomorrow... these moods don't last forever, they pass. If you can hold out, you'll feel super tomorrow!! If you give in, you'll feel good for a few moments, then horrible. Not worth it. Don't believe him, the menuval. It looks like a mountain now, but it's really a string. AND IF YOU OVERCOME, YOU'LL GET REWARDED AS IF YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN, but if you don't c"v, you'll eat yourself up for giving in to the "string".

Be strong, we're here for you! We won't let go of you no matter WHAT happens.

13...
nope....
wouldn't go back there if you paid me

and i'm wishing i could go to sleep right now instead of writing a term paper on the most boring subject known to man.
it's not the end of the world to go to sleep at 11 every once in a while. you'll wake up tomorrow much more refreshed. try it?
well, now it's 11:45, and by the time you get to bed it'll be at least 12.

edit- Uri's going to bed now. why can't you be more like HIM ?    ;D

OUCH!! as if im not already feeling that im good enough being myself...

oh no, i knew you would take it like that

it was a joke- 100%. i promise. that's why there are 2 smileys after it.
you don't really have to go to sleep now,i just think it would be better for YOU if you did. k?

thanks guard, yeah, i know it's the disease, but we're good friends... and i have a problem... i dont like to disappoint my friends, i can be a real people-pleaser sometimes...

im still here, though, and still counting...

habib, thanks so much for being here for me, you really helped me get through with a few smiles and laughs here and there. i hope it reflects back on to you as well as you continue forward..., maybe ill have to come visit your thread more often..., oh, and i saw guard's post on your thread from before..., am i not supposed to know what "special group" means or that you're a girl?

and yes, it is time to go to sleep...

sweet dreams...

habib613 wrote on 06 Sep 2009 20:54:


all jokes have a little bit of truth in them?...
bhatzlacha with the paper
k.......................................................?
:D ;D ;D :D :D :D ;D ;D

Struggle, it's been a tough day for many of us, but after the dark comes the light. Do you realize what you just accomplished? It's great to hold

out when you're feeling good but the real test is when we're feeling weak alone and down. To turn your back and walk away after you were

already standing there, is on the level of Yoseph Hatzadik. You're BUSTING the y'h and bringing

Moshi'ach. Just keep it up! You won't regret it!

CHAZAK VE'EMATZ!

battleworn, thanks for the chizuk.

i am 21 days clean, which is my most recent record, as in since i joined gye. i am feeling weak. i dont know if im going to make it through the day. i guess im going to work on breaking the day into parts, but i dont always have so much patience and im all for instant gratification even though i know its not real. this day might be really long..., i want the 90 days to be over now..., i want today to be over now..., nu, why cant i just accomplish so much with the snap of a finger?

ok, i know thats not me speaking..., i know that the exact point of this and all of life is to take things slowly, gradually build and grow..., these things dont happen overnight...

in my siddur, there is a short tefiloh before each of the day's tefilos, for shacharis, it's modeh ani..., for mincha it's thanking HKB"H for seeing the sun pass through the sky and for maariv it's asking that just as i was in the dark and got through it, so too, i should get through it again..., each time i say these, i think about what im trying to accomplish here, who i want to be..., i hope that when i daven mincha today, i can thank HKB"H for helping me stay clean...

your post made me think (always a good thing)
sometimes, after i feel like falling and i stop myself, i feel like i should fall even more.
because i already stopped myself, i was already good, and i still want to fall.
and sometimes the more i think about how i stopped myself, the stronger the urge gets
also- during a long streak, you feel like you shouldn't be there- it's like- this is the farthest i've gotten in a long time, how is this possible, it's not, i should be falling about now, and i psych myself up to fall.

so maybe don't think about last night, don't think about when you were depressed.
"live in the now"
that's just my 2 cents

habib,

are you sure that's only 2 cents? :D, don't sell yourself short! :D

i am feeling ok, B"H. it could probably change any second, but i will count my blessings.
i am passed mincha and thanked HKB"H. ive had my temptatiions here and there and am even now sitting at an unfiltered computer on the university campus. i wasn't planning on going on to the forum, but it's better than some of the other options... it was easier for me to log in here than to just get off the computer.

also, i wanted to check a map for something and there was a very triggering ad..., and i received a shirt as a gift that i'd like to switch, so i had to check the store's locations online and on their site of course they have all these models..., i thank HKB"H so much for helping me move on...

ok... it just got deathly quiet on this forum...
and i am heading to bed...
i think i'm being tested now...
no last minute posts to read, funny remarks, simple check ins, uri ranting...


i will turn to HaShem and He will take me to a far off place...
(Uri, never never land? )

"adon olam..." to the tune of eitan katz, gevaldig stuff