18 days!
chai chai chai am yisrael chai!!!!

today was a pretty good day. i felt better than last night when i woke up, but its been very up and down all day long. ive tried to keep myself going and not get bogged down with my feelings, turning to HKB"H for help, sidestepping the issues and just doing what i wanted to do...

basically, yesterday, i felt rejection from a close friend and i was hurting... i even stumbled a little last night, but i made it through. ive mentioned before, briefly, that i have same sex attractions..., i have a lot of shame around that, so it's hard for me to talk about, but now that coby is posting about it all the time, i feel a little easier about writing about it..., i still have judgements that everyone will look at me diff because of this..., anyway, so last night i slept at a friend's dirah and me and one of his roommates were sleeping in our own sideroom, and i got there when he was sleeping. it was warm and he wasnt fully covered and i found myself staring for a second, and i realized that due to my emotional state i was very vulnerable to any stimulus. it helped me to think of the idea thats been brought up numerous times in regards to shmiras aynayim of realizing that there is a real person there, davening for them and what not. thanks for that...

struggle

It is great that you have gotten through a difficult day without falling. I have found that it helps for me to remember these days because it helps me realize that I do not need p*** to deal with daily stresses.

Chazak Vematz

thanks Hoping.

true what you say, very true.

i think there was something i wanted to post on my thread, but now im not even sure what it was. my hand is in my pain. my arm is in pain. and now my head hurts as well. i hurt my hand a week ago and ive been in different levels of pain since. i got it bandaged only a couple of days ago and now that hopefully its getting better, there are time where it hurts like it hasnt hurt before. and then i remind myself to let go to HKB"H. He thinks i can handle this, i can. its only some physical pain. and i vaguely recall another pain and another part of me that i am working on making better. that i joined gye only a couple of months ago, got a filter for my comp a couple of months ago, the different pains ive been feeling. the ups and downs. HKB"H really knows what He's doing. I hope to hold on to that and remember that all the time, cause the more i give in to Him and let Him be in charge, not that He needs my permission, the easier i can deal with anything that comes my way.

19 days clean. almost 20. just need to go to sleep and then wake up...

shabbos was good. at shalosh sheudos, someone at the table (brother's friend) exclaimed that he hadnt smoked on three days. everyone expressed their praises and encouragement and i thought to myself... 19!! and i thought of u guys.

shavua tov

i quit smoking a year ago...a walk in the park compared to this....in fact, only a month ago i tried quitting pr0n the same way i quit smoking and my effort went up in smokes (pun fully intended to offend)...why is this so much harder...19 days, bro, i dont think i can ever make it that far so good for you..

rage,

youre here and on your way! dont shoot yourself down too quickly. and even if it takes many falls to get to 19 and beyond, well, thats what where here for, nofel vkam nofel vkam...

ok, i need to vent for a second...

WHY ARE WE ALL SO CRAZY??!!!!!!! WHAT IS WITH OUR FARSHTINKINER HEADS??!!!!

ok..., ok..., im ok... i just know that i get into crazy places and other ppl here do as well
and its so strange that ill keep going back there and then be able to tell others that theyre thinking is cockeyed while mine is too and sometimes i feel like i cant help it!

20 days clean. i hope this will be a good week for all of us.

b'ahava,

struggle

Every time we catch ourselves thinking craziness, we can say a teffila to Hashem, "Hashem, I'm an addict, I am sick, I have a spiritual and emotional cancer in my brain. Please help me keep it in remission, please don't let it spread, it is killing me!"

And every time we feel pain of not giving in or of turning away, we need to remind ourselves that that is the pain of healing: pain of our cancer in remission. If we wouldn't feel that pain, if we would give in, it just means the cancer is spreading.

right now i feel miserable.
i didnt fall yet and i dont want to.
a part of me does, though. i want to scream and yell and give up on everything. forget about falling. i know its not going to get me anywhere. i just want this all to end... blank screen... quiet...

guard,
what if when i catch myself i dont want to talk to hashem? what if i totally buy into my thoughts and i identify with them and i want to just kill myself? so the cancer is spreading... that also means that soon it will all be over. i dont know how to fight it. i dont know if i want to. if i have the strength to. i always just take the easy way out...

suicide is not the easy way out. believe me.

number one- all those people you leave behind, who are going to sit and cry and have to learn to deal without you. it's not fair to them, and it's not fair that they should go through it because you want to be selfish (this is what i tell myself, sorry it's a little harsh.)

two- dying is just the beginning. then you'll have to come back as a gilgul and go through all that again, until you finally get it right. so you might as well make as much progress as you possibly can in this life. 

anyways- you don't have to fall right now. you don't even have to fight right now. can you go for a jog? or maybe call your parents?  or find someone else who's in need of a little chizzuk, in any area, and offer to help, to talk?

habib613 wrote on 06 Sep 2009 15:12:


ok, so maybe i want to be selfish for a little bit?!! why do i have to always worry about how everyone else is gonna deal?! that prob got me to where i am now anyway!

habib613 wrote on 06 Sep 2009 15:12:


that's too out there for me to really grasp right now...

habib613 wrote on 06 Sep 2009 15:12:


call my parents? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! id rather never speak to them again... they offer nothing to me, when i talk to them i just feel like theyre the two people who i should be able to rely on the most who should give me the most support and love and i just feel like crap.

no koach for a jog... i wish i had some... and i dont have any chizzuk inside of me to give to anyone... and id prob be mostly obnoxious to anyone id speak to right now

and habib, thanks for posting here
i know uve started debating whether to post on the guys' threads and i know i dont post much on yours and am hesitant to as well
it is a little unclear what the forum's guidelines are but i guess that its being left up to us to make our own choice in the matter

i'm literally laughing. you're saying everything i used tell myself.
dunno what to tell you bro, except that Hashem wants you alive right now, or else you'd be dead.
and you can't really argue with the One who created the world.

so don't try anything stupid k?

cuz right now it seems like the perfect solution, but do you really want to die without ever getting married, having kids, hearing a baby say "daddy"?

if you really have no energy, find a really quiet place (with NO PILLS)  and cry. just be a girl for once. it helps a lot. and afterward, talk to Hashem a little. He's your real Tatte, and He loves you and when He sees you in pain, He hurts too.

until R' Guard or someone answers my post, i'm still gonna continue. i can't stand by when people post like that. i know how it feels- and unless you've been through it you can't possible understand. and there are good days and bad days. just think for a moment about the happiest day of your life (i know you have one, everyone does. it's in there somewhere, just keep digging). you CAN be happy like that again. but if you give it up, it's never gonna happen. life goes on, and believe me, it's tough. and this nisayon is majorly tough. but life is here to live.

thanks sis.

habib613 wrote on 06 Sep 2009 15:50:


i can practically hear you saying that, even though i have no idea what you sound like or look like...
and it puts a smile on my face. im not planning anything really stupid right now, i'm just feeling really stinky. it is slowly ebbing away, but i know it can come back easily as well..

i have my own versions of how all of you sound. and when i heard uri's first song i was in shock because he sounded so different from what i imagined.

for the future, though, you have to think of something to do when you feel like that, ok?
because it's not conducive to growth, or health, or life for that matter

i baruch Hashem haven't felt like that in a long time, thanks to GUE.

but take care of yourself, k?