sturggle wrote on 31 Jan 2011 18:39:


We are.

We are your friends.

sturggle wrote on 31 Jan 2011 18:39:


OK, that's why I asked. You are so lucky to be able to see and admit that precious bit of emess. The often bitter, ugly truth is most often the gar'in for all yeshu'os.

You actually need a nechoma, not more strength, as we all do. Keep being honest about yourself. I have seen people get honest about their lack of faith in Hashem - and that was precisely what led them back to a life of emunah in Hashem! Same here. Your full admission of feeling you are actually not worthy of sobriety will open you up to asking yourself - perhaps for the very first time in an honest way - why you feel that way. We can only begin to question - and doubt - our stupid thinking once we recognize it. Till then it is like the guy behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz. We do not even dare to  think of taking a good, hard look at them!

We need help!!!

Right now, I have an urge to act out.
I do not feel worthy.
I want to feel good and I don't and, whether, short-lived or not, I know acting out will feel good.
I do not feel love. Maybe I am blocking it?
I want to feel better. Maybe it would be better to feel the low, let it pass through me and move on like it inevitably will.

Give in to the urge. Act out.

Just not NOW. Do it soon, later, tomorrow.

Push it off a little.


_{... then reread this post} 

Head's up Sturggle!

How's it going?

E

Hey. So, I think I'm something like two days clean now.
I just watched the movie Ushpizin and it brought me to tears.
The power of tefilla, teshuva, I was very moved.
And I felt somewhat distraught about where I'm at right now.
And the beautiful kesher between husband and wife that I lack.
And the thoughts of bringing a child into this world.
Confused, depressed, struggling, acting out.

Working on focusing on the now.
Be here now.
Be clean for now.

i love that movie too
and i hope you use the power of teshuva and tefila
ask for help
for right now
i will keep you in mind as well

sturggle wrote on 02 Feb 2011 20:16:


Good for you, just keep it up.

Keep on talking to Hashem.

Keep on talking to us.

Love yourself the way you are,

EBD

The trick is to actually feel that 'being OK right now' is not so pathetic after all. It's not a matter of chizzuk, it's just getting right-sized rather than nutty. We tend to get nutty and oversize either ourselves, others, or things that happen...all nuts.

Hatzlocha!

It seems not much is working.  So after using this and that, and all that GYE offers, nothing seems to be working very well. 

So maybe you're a special case. 

Maybe Hashem made you in a way that you don't fit any of the molds around here.  Maybe your derech isn't like anything or anybody else on this site. 

So maybe whatever's going to work isn't to be found at GYE.  Maybe all of us here have some other part to play for you, just not helping you to find your own unique way to sanity, to clean, to peace.

His peace.

Maybe only He has the answer for you.  We only have to listen.  Isn't easy to listen. 

Maybe it's not a pretty answer.  But you know in your heart that it's true.  And you're honest enough to know you really really need help badly with this not so pretty picture.  This not so pretty answer.

But one thing for sure.  The answer and the picture are never ever about your being bad, or not deserving, or in any way being not ok. 

Because His Truth, as unflattering as it may be, comes always with an understanding beyond anything human.  To hear Hashem say, "I understand", is like no other love we've ever known.

Maybe you're just different and unique enough that He's the only One who really understands your heartache, and can hold you as you weep, and gentle you, and help you recover, and find the Love that only He can give that's just for you..

Such a talk with Him might help.

When all else fails, when the counsel of the chevrah, the rav, the sforim, when nothing seems to be working, sometimes a quiet walk and a quiet talk, where we're really willing to listen, way down deep, and we hear that gentlest of all gentlest voices tell us, "It's ok.  Here's where to go next.  And when you need to go to the next place, come talk to Me again.  I didn't go anywhere.  For you...it's a local call".  Sometimes such a walk, as The Rebbe Nachman advises, does the trick.

For us special cases.

thanks guys for all the posts, comments, and advice.
i am now on my second day clean.

Something hit the fan, apparently...uh-oh:

sturggle wrote on 06 Feb 2011 07:44:


No, you are not. You are on your first day clean, and your only day clean. I am sick of the counting  mishegaas. Unless counting these beans has ever really proven to help you in the long haul, why bury yourself under the weight of these beans, at all? It may make it harder to breathe, you know. In fact, "4 out of 5 sober addicts recommend living One Day at a Time to their sponsees who want sobriety" (I made that up! Is it cute?).

The number is silly. And it is not reality, either.

All we really have - and are ever going to have - is today. It's just gotta be the best day of our lives, because it is all we've got. If we have trouble with that, we need to go to Reb bards, he'll tell us what the simple secret is.

I believe that - try as I might - I just cannot go to the bathroom for tomorrow. Think about that. The only thing I can do to influence any improvement at all in the rest of my life - including tomorrow- is to live right now with G-d and with honesty with myself and others and leave the outcomes to Him. He runs my life. I have only screwed things up, so I give up. I give up my life to him - that means the outcomes: what happens and what I am faced with, what I need to do - it's all up to Him, in the end.

That's my 3rd step.

To those who see the third step as being meshabed myself to Him - and as a Jew, that means the Torah/shulchan aruch...well, I say you are right, BUT:

What we need to do is not the point of the 3rd step, and this cannot be avoided:

We need to give our lives to Him. Meaning, trust Him with our todays, and tomorrows, etc. Which means that I do not trust myself with today, and with tomorrow, etc. Even if I do not do His Will - which I accept fully means that I go against His Torah and Derech Eretz - He will still do what is the very best for me!

Chaza"l hollered this at us when they said: "vehabote'ach baShem, chessed y'sovevenhu - afilu rosho - ubote'ach baShem - surely chessed y'sovevenhu. We are sure of his love and perfect guidance right now. That's why it is called bitachon.

Leave the counting for Him.

Just a suggestion.

Dov, you're always cute!  ;D ;D ;D

Reb Sturggle - I'm sorry to hear that things are difficult. But my question to you is the same question I ask myself (or at least, that I should ask myself) - what can I learn about myself? How can I grow from this? What can I do differently in the future for a different result?

Rooting for you Sturggle.

May you lose yourself within HKHBH very soon, in order to finally find yourself.

Hey.

I hear you Dov.
I am starting to feel a little better.
Was in some sort of grieving period
and I am starting to feel stronger.
I remain confused about many things,
but I don't think that includes my sobriety
being a top priority in my life.
Otherwise, I'm not sure I'll have much of a life.

One day at a time.
(I have some resistance to that..., interesting.)