Thank you for the chizuk ZS!

one small clarification:
ZemirosShabbos wrote on 07 Dec 2010 15:55:

Ok - I better come clean: I did draw the 'snuffy smile' - but the oscar-thing would have taken waaaaay too long to do myself    It's fairly easy to find text-art of whatever you're looking for - just google 'ascii' + the-subject (in my example 'ascii sesame street'). Hope I didn't dissapoint you  ;D : anyways, I did color his face green myself

Thats the spirit!

Draw on available resources & adapt them, touch 'em up a bit, make them match the ideal that we're striving for!!!!

Naftali Z wrote on 07 Dec 2010 17:08:

not at all!

                                  8) 8)              8) 8)
                                8) : 8)          8) : 8)
                                  8) 8)              8) 8)



                                                           
                                                             
                                                           
                                  :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
                                      ;D ;D ;D
                                       

                                    :-[ :-[              :-[ :-[
                                  :-[ :-[ :-[          :-[ :-[ :-[
                                    :-[ :-[              :-[ :-[



                              :-[                                :-[
                            :-[                                      :-[
                          :-[    :-[                        :-[      :-[
                                  :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[
                                      :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[
                                     

P.S.  I didn't make this myself either. [color=green]I just changed it a bit.[/color]  ;D  >

Hello naftoli i think this is the first time i bumped into your thread. Man you are going to go places. You got everything going for you. You hav deep understanding you are not stubborn you are willing to change Wow! I wish you lots of luck.
Just one thing the steps are steps for living. You cannot understand them untill you live. You will then see they dont contradict bechira and all the other issues you raised. People say they are happy they are addicts because it helped them find the steps.
Hatzlacha looking forward to getting to know you better.

Frumfiend The star wrote on 08 Dec 2010 01:52:


Same here FF!

Thank you, and I totally hear what you're saying about studying the steps vs. living them. With mitzvos there is a huge difference between limud vs. assiya - and that extends to so many other aspects of life. While I still have some lingering hashkafa / myshkafa (if you know what I mean ) questions in my mind regarding the steps, I'm at a point (I think anyways) where they are no longer in forefront - and I'm ready to move into action.

Will I"H be starting on actual step-work over the weekend.
I'm really excited about this new journey to growth and sanity!

with Hashem's Chessed - six days clean

B"H it's been a relatively solid week, with only a handful of very minor (on my level, anyways) slips. Between being pretty busy work-wise & posting here - I really didn't have that much temptation or desire for my 'regularly-scheduled' program.

My major victory this week was actually not in the area of guarding my eyes, but instead guarding my mouth. I was B"H able to refrain from telling my boss a hillarious, true, and very inappropriate story that happened at work recently. You know that feeling when there's something that you really really want to tell someone? It was one of those.. I knew inside though that if I told it to him - the fact that it came from my mouth would somehow bring my mind into the gutter.  I know it probably sounds trivial - but it was hard for me, and I'm happy that I didn't tell him.

So that was the week thus far..

However, as I was on my way back from work today, I could feel the old thoughts&lusts slowly creeping up through the cracks to the edges of my mind. Not to a point where they're conscious thoughts/fantasies, but more like I'm walking in the forest and they're all hiding behind the trees and bushes - until the time is right to spring the ambush.

I don't think that ambush will be tomorrow. I'm still feeling too strong & anyways it will be a rather short day (with hopefully, some respite at night - hameyvin yavin). Obviously, I shouldn't let down my guard - take it one day at a time, etc - since we never really know. Still...  I suspect the attack will come on Motzaei Shabbos. I always seem to have so much less strength then.. the last two times that I fell after a 1-week streak were both on Sat. night..

I'm going to try and daven extra hard on Shabbos for Hashem to fill my heart with emunah and rescue me from this nisayon. I'll also try to limit my time on the computer on Motzaei Shabbos to just answering emails, posting here, and work-related stuff. No entertainment on my computer (even solitaire!) - unless it's together with my wife. I'll read, learn, snack, take a bath - heck maybe even go to sleep at a normal hour (banish the thought!).

I"H on Sunday I'll be starting 12-step work - so I really hope that, be'Chasdei Hashem, I'll be going into it with some purity..

have a great Shabbos everyone

Sounds fantastic - always good to plan ahead.

And congratulations on controlling yourself - that's terrific!

Naftali Z wrote on 10 Dec 2010 07:25:

I think there's some sort of kabbalistic thing that says guarding our mouths and guarding our bris are deeply connected.  This means, by guarding our mouths, indirectly, we are also making it easier to guard our bris.

--Eye.

sounds great, Naftali, a great victory in keeping your mouth shut even when you have something juicy to say, i know how hard that can be. and you are aware of your weak times. try to plan a schedule with learning, fun, melave malka, kumzitz, ice-skating . keep yourself busy and out of trouble. old-fashioned but it works.
haztlocha rabbah
have a great shabbos
zs

Naftali,

Amazing story!  I wish you much haztlocha; may you merit many brachos.

I too have to use the internet a lot with my business since it's all online and I am amazed at how you found GYE (from your original post).

I look forward to reading more from you!

Tuvia

Tuvia wrote on 12 Dec 2010 21:28:


Thanks Tuvia!

I've been following your thread over the week to0, and you're taking great steps towards self-awareness and progress.
Let's grow together!

be'Chasdei Hashem, 10 days clean



So you wanna hear something funny?

If any of you remember - late last Thursday night, I wrote how the week had been going well - that I was still feeling 'strong' - but the familiar thoughts/desires were beginning to creep up - and I predicted that Motzaei Shabbos would be the 'BIG ATTACK', based on prior experience. (And based on that prediction, resolving to avoid my PC as much as possible, and doing other things for relaxation that night..)

Well.. .. about 15 minutes after writing that on Thurs. night, with all that reported 'strength' - I had a pretty huge slip. Friday was hard and full of more slips. Sunday was better, but by the end - was a mess. So basically - I survived the weekend, but completely battered.

So what's funny? Motzaei Shabbos was completely struggle/desire-free. And not just that, I didn't wind up distancing myself from entertainment on my PC that night (games/movie) as I said that I would... but still no struggle. So, the only night of the weekend that I had thought would be hard - was easy - and the rest of the weekend - which I thought would be easy - was a mess.

I guess that I understand myself, the world, and certainly this problem - a lot less than I thought I did!
(or one can argue that the Yetzer Hora purposely did this to confuse me, but - in practical terms - that's really saying the same thing)

In looking over my Thursday-night post, I realize that I used A LOT of 'power words' - such as  "ambush",  " still feeling too strong",  "shouldn't let down my guard",  "attack",  "seem to have so much less strength then.".  While it is true that I've started working on Step 1 (admitting powerlessness) - I think that deep down (subconsciously/emotionally) I'm still thinking of this as a personal battle/struggle that I am waging against the Yetzer/myself/the-world. And not just that, I think that even as far as the 'battle' metaphor goes - my model of this  is less rooted in applicable Hashkofa concepts (of which there are many legitimate ones).....  rather I'm beginning to realize that my inner/emotional concept of 'struggle' with this problem - is some weird mix of Freudian phsychology and a Dungeons&Dragons RPG game (complete with hit-points, stats, monsters, bosses, and a HERO with a dark past....  he's made it through the week, now the eeevil weekend is beginning - can our hero beat the dragon boss and make it to the next level?? Tune in!) in other words - completely adolescent.

It's not that there is no basis whatsoever to looking at it in that way... there is some, and it fits some classic Cheshbon-Hanefesh/Middos improvement approaches. But those are for sane people with normal problems. It really goes completely against what I need to focus on as a lust-addict. Instead, I need to work on truly beseching Hashem for mercy and guidance every day, reach out to Him & others for help BEFORE I take that peek and start slipping, and STOP analyzing everything in terms of 'patterns' of struggle vs. 'strength'. Yes I need to have a growth plan, and I"H 12-steps will serve as a big part of that, but my lifetime recovery has to be day to day - period.

I did start with a 12-step group on Sunday. Have not done much step-work yet (other than the above realization) - but hope to work more on it this week.

What I need to say (with humility) is: Hashem, thank YOU for saving me from major nisyonos today (monday) - even though I was a complete shmedrick in the afternoon and almost got into trouble. May it be the case tomorrow as well (minus the shmedrick part)!

Naftoli many problems can be avoided with a good filter and/or webchaver. Try them you won't regret it. Continued hatzlacha.

Naftoli, it's a pleasure to read your post, you are heading in the right direction, to the RBSO!