take a moment to daven to hashem, tell him how painful it is. ask him as a son asking his father, to take away the pain.
youre a true eved hashem, not a just wannabe

I don't know how to say this, and I feel weird writing this, but a thought ocurred to me recently.

I'm considered to be a good-looking man (at least, based on remarks I've heard from other men [didn't get that same vibe from women, b"H, for I wouldn't be able to handle that, although I do sense that I'm getting the stares from women, from time to time -- but maybe those are the machinations of the YH] I've even had some men who are presumably plagued by same-*** attraction make some not-so-subtle advances...), and I've always been well-groomed. It's my nature. To clarify, I don't groom myself to kill, just like any other guy; but me grooming myself like any other guy is tantamount to the average guy grooming himself to kill, I guess (boy, do I feel stupid now...)

I suspect that that could be something which stokes the fires of my lust sometimes, for it might subconsciously make me conscious about my looks (how's that, huh?), and how women might perceive of them -- along the lines of what Rash"i HaKadosh says about Yosef HaTzadik who was 'Mesalsel b'Saaroi'.

So my question to you fellow GYEers is do you think I need to stop grooming myself, and to deliberately go around unkempt, so to get that YH out of the way? This would be extremely difficult for me, for, like I said, it's in my nature.

I'll leave the decision up to you guys, and I'll bl"n do as the majority of the Tzibur here dictates.

Do what you need to make yourself feel normal and to feel good with yourself.( No typo here)

This is a question for you. If you're grooming to look good for the ladies, cuz every girl's crazy about a sharp dressed man...well, then cut back.

if you just dress to look put-together, then I don't think there's anything wrong with that. And ultimately, yes, there will be women interested in you. Your job is to stay clean despite that. It's easy to stay clean if you're chained up.

I sometimes need to remind myself that yes, I could certainly get women if i wanted to. But that's just it - I know that I don't want that, and I'm way happier this way.

14th of many, many days:

Didn't start the day as I wanted to -- got up at 9:30 instead of 6:30 -- and I usually set the tone of the day in the mornings. Oh, well. We'll have to make the best of it...

Thanks to Chaimhelp and Silentbattle for chiming in on my previous question. Your opinions -- albeit divergent -- are very valuable to me, and I'll consider them carefully.

The tally so far is 1-1. Anybody willing to break the tie?

in my humble opinion,normal grooming is part of being "normal" it impacts heavily on self-esteam. (meaning if i look like a shlump then i feel like a shlump)
btw r u a buchur or yungerman?
certainly if u r in shiduchim u must look like a mentsch,but even after marriage,u can not minimize the importance of appearance.
what normal means is subject to discussion and depends on what the accepted standards in your community r.  Cologne for men would probably be frowned upon in most frum circles. how often do u need to shower? change your clothes?

I think dressing well is a definite maaleh

Being busy with oneself is a chisaron.

I shower every morning (one of the great attributes of the Mikvah),and I generally change on a daily basis. Cologne is a no-no.

A Yid being well groomed is a walking Kiddush Hashem,  U'michlall hein atta shomea lav.

But investing too much thought into 'looking good' is just plain vain.

I don't know where the border runs, but when me and the Rebbitzens saw that our biggest little Tzaddik was too fussy about his appearance, we didn't send him to Cheder without combing his hair (okay -his payes); rather we told him that we think it's time that he's big enough to comb his own hair, and that he should try to be satisfied with the way it comes out on his first try. From then on -we neither complimented his hair do, nor did we try to help him 'touch it up'. We tried to show him that although it's important to always be 'put together', when you are preoccupied with your looks -you more often wind up frustrated than happy; and Oy V'Avoy to such a shallow happiness.

Well, our Tzaddik'l did just that, and B"H it's been a good couple of weeks (if not a month) since I've had to here the kid whine "Mommy (accent on the last syllable), Kik Vi S'kikt ois, S'iz nisht arois git!" etc. etc. and I think that he's learned a good lesson on putting things in proportion. When I see him enjoying his reflection a bit too much, I just give him a meaningful wink -and he chaps and gives me a cute smile (anyone know if I can get a decent pair of braces on E-bay?).

Sorry for talking about my kids like a Bubby, but in short -in this area as well as all others -MODERATION is the key.

Also be in touch with your motivation, and if you find that you're dandying yourself up for all the wrong reasons -don't be a shlump, just change your motivation!

Eved Hashem (wannabe) wrote on 10 Jan 2011 05:13:
 
Eved, are you a Novhardoker?

Eved Hashem (wannabe) wrote on 10 Jan 2011 05:13:

Maybe you should start a poll on the forum?

Novhardoker?!
I'm actually a Choosid -- Lange Rekel, Gekreizelte Pei'es, and all...

i am a young guy and i used to have a pair of glasses that i got because i like. this is all about a year ago before my beard started coming in (im chassidish= dont shave and these girls are very very modern orthadox= not fans of an unshaved beard b"h for my struggle now) and they used to give me such comments about how i looked that would mke it impossible for me to control my lusting, about 8 months ago as i was finally almost done talking to girls (for the 3rd time) i was getting new glassses. the glasses had caused much trouble before so i ended up getting glasses that were big (not abnormaly big) and that were basically not in style, they dont make me look wierd, they just dont specifically look good. i did this to seal the deal that i would not get any comments about how i look.

also, my peios, as of now i just put them behind my ear and keep them a little below my ear lobe (iy"h when i get out of my present yeshiva i will be able to keep them long, thats a different shmuz) and at the mikvahi usually dont dry them wlel and they end up sticking out by the middle of the day not that i look rediculous, but its noticable that there is something different.

what is the point of all of this?
the point of it is that i just want to tell you that what worked for me about the whole sugya of being well groomed is this. i made myself not look specifically good, yet at the same time i dont make myself look bad. also with my clothes.

so long story short, is it possible for you to do something like this? just do something a little strange about yourself yet still look nnormal?
p.s. i still get thoughts of (lust) about what other females are thinking of me, there is no outside-physical way of controlling your lusting thoughts about what they think of you.
p.p.s. sorry for the long megillah of MY life  ;D

Eved

I didn't know u were a hoosid


Come into the lretchmer for a lichayim

Eved Hashem (wannabe) wrote on 11 Jan 2011 01:51:


The Novhardoker שיטה (I can't write that in English on this holy site) was to work on middos like Ga'avah by neglecting themselves to the max. They took the Rambam about getting to the middle by going to the opposite extreme very literally. In Slobodka that didn't wash -the Slobodka talmidim were into being very Shtotty (just look at some of the pictures from way back when -Black hats were old hat. In today's yeshivos -most of which are descended from the Slobodka talmidim -they would throw out a bachur who dressed as stylishly as they used to).