Thanks for all the interesting info about 14.  Zmiros Shabbos was right, it was a number that i had not reached in a long time. 
NOw tell me the significane of

18

And as I have said Shabbos and Sunday are easy for me so I am looking forward to 21

that's easy
18 = you can vote

but 21........
that's a whole different world
you can now make a lechaim!

good shabbos
and keep up the great work!

trying-hard wrote on 22 Oct 2010 15:30:



OK this is bound to get tough.
The basic question is: what the significance is of each of the numbers of 1---999999999999 are??

Day 23

Today is hard.

I have found over time that when I "behave" business gets better (and I am happier).  Then things go well so I slack off and inevitably Hashem sends me a sign that is clear and my business suffers.  Often I ignore the sign till things get really bad, which they did about a month ago.

So I am here.

Today i got several pieces of bad news (business related) that has me wondering why I am behaving, other than the fact that it is obviously the right thing to do. 

But I am hanging in. 

Today is day 23

as the rebbe reb bards says beshem the Marines: pain is fear leaving the body

do you remember having growing pains when you were younger? this is what it is. the body wants it's fix and if it is denied it's fix it sends pain messages. but like a telemarketer, if you ignore it enough it will stop and you will reach a level where it is much clearer to you that the fix was poison.

keep up your great work!

I know the fix is poison, I just don't care. 

if you didn't care i don't think you would be here on GYE and you would not be (rightfully) proud of reaching 23 days clean.

i think you mean that in the heat of the moment you push aside all "cares" and do it anyway. that is the ruach shtus of the aveira, the sickness of the addiction. where we blind ourselves to the consequences and forge right on ahead. the battle is to stop yourself before you get to that moment when the urge is burning and you can't talk sense into yourself.

one way is to recognize the factors that cause the urge to get the fix. stress is often the cause. in recovery you learn how to deal with the stress correctly. another way is to have an another person to talk to when the urge strikes, who does not share the stupidity the addiction puts into our brain.

this is my two cents. i hope bigger and better experts will chime in as well.

read up here on the site and you will see how we are all basically in the same boat and you can achieve much success, b'ezras hashem.

behatzlocha
zs

Perfect example.

I just came out of a meeting that I think went well. If I get the business that I was trying to get it has the potential to generate enough revenue to cover 4 months overhead. I was told that it looks good but that I won't know for 2 weeks.

There is no doubt in my mind that my behaviour over the next 2 weeks will dictate whether or not I get the account.

There is also no doubt in my mind that I am capable of saying "to hell with it" and going straight for what is pulling me even though I know the consequences.

So

For now I have to say I made it one more day and hopefully I will continue to make it one day at a time.
(I'm typing on my Blackberry so I am not sure what day I am up to,but I am hanging in)

i admire your clarity in the direct consequences of your actions.

keep hanging in!

but you cannot live your life hanging, you need to somehow find a way to keep away from the constant battle of falling for the poison. either by clarifying to yourself that it is poison and it is not what i want, or by getting a trusted partner who can be your conscience and your better judgment when your (and mine) is blinded in the heat of the moment. read up around here and you will see what the experts say.

wishing you continued success
zs

What is the difference between hanging in and trucking?

Why is one good and one bad?

that is a great question. i think the answer is that hanging has a connotation of hanging on desperately, what is referred to as 'white-knuckling', exerting yourself till you are ready to burst. which cannot be done for any length of time.

trucking is more of a calmer, focused and relaxed term. like when you are driving, you are aware of the dangers of driving but you are calm and collected and drive along to your destination.

from what you wrote you sounded pretty iffy about the choice of taking the poison and that you were hanging in there. so if your hanging in is like trucking, then kol hakavod. if it is like hanging off a cliff then you need to change tactics.

very important disclaimer: i am far from an expert, so take this on it's own merit, not mine. learn from the experts here, like Dov and others.
zs

You are describing hanging "on" I am hanging "in" it is a little better.

In most milei dishmaya we are taught that you do not stand still, if you are not moving forward then by default you are moving backward. 
Here I believe it is the opposite, every day that you do not move back you are by default moving forward. 

So  FOR ME what seems to help is the sense of hanging in one day at a time, I can not afford to look forward because if I do I know that it will lead me to fail (except for Fridays when I know i will be fine till Monday).  I will just say "today i will let myself slip  a little because tomorrow I will be stronger and that can not have a good outcome. 

So today is 24  and for now that is good.

As for my clarity in the direct consequences of my actions, do not admire me, for the past has shown that i am not strong enough to govern myself even when knowing this.  I unfortunately have seen the direct connection so many times that I must be a complete idiot to ignore it, but I do.  I guess that is why they call it addiction. 
One day (maybe) I will write my whole story and I guaranty that half of you will be amazed, half of you will be appalled and half of you will be triggered into a setback.


DAY 24  hanging-in and moving forward.  ( I think I will make that my tag-line)

sound like quite a story you have.

about hanging in and hanging on, i do not really understand the difference but maybe it's just semantics. the main point is whether it works or not. and you sound pretty good. so keep up the good work.

and i will keep admiring you for your doggedness and perseverance, is that ok?

lechaim! (single malt)

TH, I see a very rough struggle here & its inspiring to see how strong u fight even thou u have no clear plan yet what u gota do, that's amazing stuff

1 thing I feel an obligation to clarify something u mentioned, about the account u want to get & how its related to ur behaving, I have thought about that a lot and this is what I have came up with based on what I learned and heard from holy yiden, yes there is clearly a connection between Mz"l and mazel, so avoiding acting out can help to improve the mazel , but we may not get to obsessed with it, cuz it can be a danger line between that and falling back in the pit, at least it has been so for me, cuz I've been clean for quite some time and in the beginning after being a month or 2 clean & I saw no results in business I started getting angry at hashem and building resentment , cuz I felt hey what's going on hashem, didn't I behave??? A month is not enuff? Np I'll go for 2 more months, still didn't change, got even more angry. Was about to flip and quit, but somehow I kept trucking, after a long time like 7-8 months I had a discussion with my wife about it and she tells me, hubby u are having this wrong , u expect hashem to give u something based on ur actions, and when u don't see him giving it to u, u lose ur mind again & again every few days. Who told u he owes u something maybe ur account is clear or not filled up yet. U do what u gota do and don't nickel and dime with hashem what he has to give you, but overtime we all know that by not getting depressed over the situation, u r only increasing ur chance for better luck. Cuz simcha and kdusha will eventually bring good things into our lives bruchnies I'bgashmieus
May hashem help u see this in clear light, hope I was of help, if not just ignore my post

trying-hard wrote on 27 Oct 2010 18:53:
trying-hard wrote on 28 Oct 2010 17:40:
Sounds very very like me, too. But the question I ask myself is, does Hashem only love me, show me chessed, give me freebies, etc WHEN I'M PERFECT in following His ways, or might He give me the same favors even when I'm NOT PERFECT. Or even when I'm NOT TRYING.

I'm trying to see the possibility in my life that I'm deserving of His parnassa and other brochos, even when I'm NOT deserving. If that makes any sense.... (Just thought I'd share the thought. Sounds like you're doing great; keep going.)