Really appreciate everyone's replies. Hugs all round.
I'm feeling so overwhelmed and stressed by all this. There's so much to do and i don't know where to start, and time flies by so quickly. Even to sit and type this now - I have other things i need to be doing, or at least that i tell myself i need to be doing. But this is what i've always done - avoided doing what will really help me change and be happy and start giving to others - and instaed I've just kept myself busy doing nothing and going nowhere. So the years pass and i've achieved so little.
Last night I had some time to get on - learn something, work on steps, read, listen to music - somethng positive. Or sit here and reciprocate some of the kindness i'm receiving by reading others posts and encouraging them. What do i do? Search for a film to watch. Not anything dirty, just something. Wasn't successful but spent a good hour an a half looking. Such a waste of time. I was in one of those 'blaagh' states of mind. I'd helped put kids to bed, and tidied the kitchen so that my wife could get out, which she was desperate for. But then - blaagh.
Am i just depressed, do i have an addiction? I know my Rav would say to stop thinking about myself and get on with a mitzvah, and rejoice in it. If I had open access I'm sure i'd be visiting some not nice places - but even that i feel i did half-heartedly. I'm such a Charlie Brown. I can't even be a good addict. I'm too wishy-washy.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (Sigh not a scream).
It's like, "If you're going to do something, at least do it properly, put you're whole being into it." I've always been too scared of what others will think. I think I'm also scared of myself, of what's really inside. In the past I've had a terrible temper - though it rarely ever came out. I'm scared of it. When it did come out, I really hurt my son, though i hadn't meant to. Maybe I'll share the story another time. So I'm scared of my own feelings. Shofar is great - it got them all out - but i didn't have the keilim to deal with them. So i'm living with a permanent stopper on my emotions.
I try to meditate, and i don't have any internal spontaneous imagery. Why not? Why don't i dream much? Because it's all been plugged down.
Perhaps this is all a load of psychobabble.
I know i really need to take the time to work through this now, to dedicate time and effort. To read, to write, to share. Otherwise i'll carry on living in this sufficating shell, where even i'm not aware of what's going on inside.
I don't even know how to have fun. Let's say I want to schedule something fun into my week - i don't know what to do. The most fun i ever had growing up was watching tv.
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/sad.png)
I had no social life or siblings, and all my parents knew to do was play bridge and watch tv. The former was out, so all i did was the latter. Pretty sad, really.
Porn is one way that i could get in touch with some feelings. It was a break from the monotony. If that's the only break i know, it's tough going without it. That's probably why i was searching for a film to watch.
Glad i posted this. I know i need to take time out for this, and give it as much time as it needs. If i do, it'll be better for me and my wife and kids, and i'll get all the other things done better too.
If you've taken the time to read all this, I really appreciate it.
Much love to everyone
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