I’ve been posting for quite a while now.  My main thread has definitely served its purpose, but it has become unwieldy.  I’m not likely to search through the hundreds of posts to see if I’m repeating myself, or to glean some chizuk from my previous successes and insights.

Therefore, I have decided to summarize (and edit) my post here--a few at a time, and call it Kitzur Eye.nonymous.  It’s probably a useful idea, so plagiarize me if you will.  And, I recommend doing this as you go along--don't wait until you have 60 pages worth of posts.

Maybe after it's all summarized I'll try also to organize everything.

This thread is locked because I am only using it to recap my main thread. 
If you wish to comment, please visit me at Eye.nonymous official count:
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=634.msg8690#msg8690

Thanks,

  --Eye.

POST 1, by Eye.nonymous, July 14, 2009

INTRODUCTION

I am new to this forum, but not new to this struggle.  I grew up secular, and I remember staring at girls even in nursery school.  When I was 10 or 11 my sisters had a warped “facts of life book,” and I found it.  It described nudity as “natural” and “normal,” and it described mast* as a fun thing to do.  I followed the instructions and I’ve been stuck ever since.

I was a member of a shul youth group around the age of my bar-mitzvah.  The youth group leader gained my trust very early on, and I could discuss anything with him.  Luckily, I learned early on that mast... is wrong.  I've been fighting it ever since, though not very successfully at times.  Whenever I trip up I feel that the yeitzer hara tricked me in a brand new way.  So I manage not to get too depressed about it, and can pick myself up again pretty quickly.  I wish I could stop altogether.

In college I did teshuvah—I came to yeshiva in Israel and never left.  Now I'm married with five children (our oldest is eight and our youngest is a month old).

Now I am more concerned with controlling my eyes.  I can’t walk down the street without looking at every woman along the way.  And in my neighborhood everyone is dressed so tznius, I don’t feel that I'm doing anything wrong.

I also slip up with the internet, probably a few times a year.  Then I also feel that my yeitzer outsmarted me:  “I wasn't expecting to find indecent pictures,” or “I was just curious about such-and-such an actress.”

I see the progress is still very slow on my own, and that's why I decided to become more involved in this forum.  But, this is also a challenge.  I think my own situation is rather mild, and I get triggered by other people’s stories.  Any advice on this point would be appreciated.

I signed up to the weekly E-mail lists a few months ago.  Although I usually just glance at them, I still get chizuk from them.

POST 2, by guardureyes, July 14, 2009
WELCOME MESSAGE

Welcome to our community,

  The Shmiras Ainayim Chizuk e-mail is less explicit and could be just right for you. Make sure to read it each day.

  And I highly suggest reading through our GuardYourEyes Handbook.

POST 3, by andsm1, July 14, 2009
CHIZUK

If you have gotten that far on your own in Israel faced with those kinds of pressures then I believe you are a member of a group of people that are meant to succeed to help others less fortunate.

POST 4, by battleworn, July 15, 2009
RE:  TRIGGERED BY FORUM

All the stories that you read here are all about pain. Pain that's too great to be described! If the y"h manages to put thoughts in to you through these stories then he's really fooling you badly. On the other hand, if you find that something triggers you, you should of course stay away from it.

POST 5, by me, July 15, 2009
RE:  TRIGGERED BY FORUM

Don't forget that most of these other stories you refer to also began as much more mild....just like yours.

POST 6, by bardichev, July 15, 2009
RE:  TRIGGERED BY FORUM

LIKE I TELL MY KIDS:
"NO ONE TOUCHES A SKUNK TO WHY IT STINKS" IT JUST STINKS!!!

POST 7, by ninetydays, July 17, 2009
RE:  TRIGGERED BY FORUM

When the situations get too explicit GYE takes them off the forum.
Stay away from what triggers you - but see the pain and try and help those on this forum that need encouragement!

POST 8, by kutan shel hachabura
RE:  TRIGGERED BY FORUM

After some soul searching and reading the GUI books again, it seems to me that its all the same thing.  Lust.  The mechanism of it coming out is different, but the source is the same.

I do not know of a better place to get rid of it than here.  Triggers shmiggers as bardichev would say, there are no shortage of triggers in the world, but where else can you discuss and get chizuk from so many SPECIAL people?

I saw one of Bardichev's post, who put it bluntly:

I TOO WAS TOOOOOOO PROUD TO ADMIT I WAS ADDICTED
I AM A VERY UPSTANDING PERSON IN MY FAMILY AND KEHILLA

I WAS JUST A LITTLE "SHVACH" WHEN IT CAME TO THIS LITTLE THINGAMAJIG CALLED
UHH UHH YEAH INTERNET

WRONG WRONG WRONG DEAD WRONG
I WAS ADDICTED LIKE CRAZY

I too am addicted like crazy.  I cannot shake off negative behaviors in this area for any serious length of time. So what difference does it make if it is only looking at pretty women--it is still lust, still assur, and needs to be beat!!!

POST 9, by bardichev, July 21, 2009

THERE IS AN OLD HUNGARIAN SAYING
OUR GRANDMOTHERS USED TO SAY

MEN KEN NISHT ZAYN ABISSEL ALLAPUTTUSH!
(you cant be a little bit pregnant)

if you are addicted you are addicted

POST 12, by Eye.nonymous, August 03, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

I’m starting to count 90 days.  I’m working on day 10.

I used to think there was some chemical build-up that made it impossible to stay clean from mast*** for more than a month.  But, now I want to do better than that.

I've had a couple of restless nights due to room temperature, and also due to a mild flu, and managed to stay clean.

Also, my wife is post-birth.  She expected to go to the mikvah yesterday, but had to start counting again.

POST 13, by Momo, August 3, 2009
CHIZUK

Mazal tov on the birth!  I know from experience, this is the hardest time ever for a man.

Keep your mind focused on your work, your kids, learning Torah, and talking to HaShem/getting closer to HaShem by seeing Him everywhere.

POST 14, by Eye.nonymous, Aug 3, 2009
BUILDING FENCES

I was up with the flu, tired but sick, for a couple of hours.  All sorts of bad thoughts went into my mind--I was getting curious if certain indecent images might be on the internet.

I realized the obvious answer... I HAVE TO sign up for an internet filter.  There's nothing innocent about an addiction, no matter how infrequent the falls may be.  I am now in the process of signing up for K9.

POST 15, by Momo, Aug 3, 2009
CHIZUK

Excellent! I am proud of you for installing the filter.  You just earned yourself a healthy Malach to testify good for you after 120 years!

POST 16, by guardureyes, Aug 3, 2009
RE:  FILTER

A filter is step #1!!  Are you reading the GYE handbook? This is very important.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Aug 3, 2009

…I was in denial.

***** POST ***** by Holy Yid, Aug 4, 2009
RE: DENIAL

Denial has many layers. We become aware that we cannot control ourselves on the internet but it hasn't really hit home yet. We may still take risks that we should not. The best is to get guidelines from someone else and stick to them no matter what.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Aug 4, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

I just slipped playing with the new internet filter.

***** POST ***** by Kutan shel hachaburah, Aug 5, 2009
RE:  INTERNET SLIP

It takes time to change.  There must be an investment of time doing these things... can't expect years of negative investments to go away without the opposite... but the redeeming factor is that this effort will be REALLY enjoyable... once you get into it.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Aug 6, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

I had a fall.  I feel like this struggle has gotten worse since I started posting.  This whole struggle just takes up so much thought.

I have been discussing it with my wife.  We took a turn in our conversation that we shouldn't have.  It was too explicit for me. 

I made it to day 12.  Now I'm on day 1 again.


***** POST ***** by kutan shel hachabura, Aug 6, 2009
RE:  WIFE

That is a great asset that you can speak about this with your wife! This little one is VERY impressed.

But remember please that she is a woman, and can only understand you from without, not within. (usually).  And since you are treading on new territory, you need to keep an eye out for what works, and what doesn't.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Aug 11, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

I've more-or-less gotten over the novelty of the filter.  There's no substitute for self-control.  Plus, I added about another fifty URL key words to block.

Also, after finding this forum, I made the mistake of doing too much at once.  Now I've picked just one of the handbooks to read and only one lesson per day.

In addition, the idea to just LET GO OF LUST has been very liberating.  I used to feel that when the first thought came to mind, you were already engaged in a struggle with the yeitzer hara.  Now, it seems more like the first thought is merely the yeitzer hara SENDING AN INVITATION to join him.  You can just ignore it!

***** POST ***** by kutan shel hachabura, Aug 11, 2009
CHIZUK

You’re on the way!!!  Slow but sure wins the race... You can't undo so many years of habit overnight. But don't worry, it won't take as long to heal, because the mehalech you are now embarking on is EMES, and integrates with you much more quickly.

The yesod is to view yourself as a person who DOESN"T LUST.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Aug 12, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

It seems like it takes forever on this chart to move from one level to the next.  WHAT!!! I'M ONLY ON DAY 6!!!  It feels like my last fall was weeks or months ago!  I wonder if before I was keeping score, perhaps I just thought I was doing better than I really was.  I say this to point out the importance of keeping track of your progress.

I really am looking forward to making it to a whole week... and then two... and then...

It's very motivating.

***** POST ***** by kutan shel hachaburah, Aug 12, 2009
CHIZZUK

Check out Dov's post yesterday to Momo...
He said he couldn't ever do 90 days...
He just does one day...
And he's been doing it straight for over 11 years now!!!

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Aug 13, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT
Just reached day 7; clean for a whole week.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Aug 16, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

Somehow my last streak was 9 days, but I thought it was 12.
On my new streak I just made it to 10.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Aug 18, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

I had a slip a couple of days ago, something completely unexpected.  I find this very liberating to distinguish between slips and falls.  No need to eat yourself up over something that's not your fault.  Nevertheless, I've found one more thing to look out for in the future.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Aug 18, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

I used to feel THIS YEITZER IS SO HARD, I CAN'T KEEP FIGHTING IT.  Now I've been thinking, "I'll only be here for a few minutes.  I just need to stay clean for a few minutes."  Which doesn't seem so hard.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Aug 19, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

I'm on day 13.  I had another slip.  I'm getting a little worried that I'm having so many big slips.

***** POST ***** by Holy Yid, Aug 20, 2009
RE:  SLIPS

If you are slipping then you are missing something in your recovery life. Either your fences are too close or you lack fulfillment and focus in your life or you should be more involved in learning about your disease. Learn something and move on, you are on the road.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Aug 26, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

This system doesn't work without grueling honesty.  I need help with a judgment call.  A couple of days ago I felt extremely overpowered by the Yeitzer.  A lot of extremely frustrating things were going on that day.  I DID intentionally type in something to my web browser.  BUT, I wrote such an abstract word that I didn't think anything would turn up, and nothing did.  I stopped after one try.

***** POST ***** by Battleworn, Aug 26, 2009
CHIZZUK

Eye, you're doing great! That doesn't sound like a fall at all. Just a warning to step up your defences. Like talking to Hashem more often and posting as much as possible etc.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Aug 28, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

OY VAY!  I just fell.  After 21 clean days.

I"ve been having some pretty disheartening discussions with my wife.  Basically, due to medical considerations, we have to be abstinent indefinitely.  And, our anniversary came out in the middle of all these discussions.  See how this could be frustrating?

I think, though, we have gotten somewhere, and things are looking a little better.

Here I go again...  Day 1.

***** POST ***** by guardureyes, Aug 30, 2009
CHIZZUK

"An expert is someone who made all the possible mistakes" 
Use the fall to learn from... what can you do better next time?

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Sept 3, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

I made it to day six, but fell again.  Internet search.

Something's wrong.  Deep inside I feel that I really don't want to let go of lust.  Why, really deep down, can't I let go?

***** POST ***** by hoping, Sept 4, 2009
RE:  LETTING GO

I wrote something on my thread that may help you. For me I had to concentrate on letting go before I felt the urge. Once the urge comes it is too late.

I was most successful with working on my attitudes when I was having an easy period. Then the attitudes helped me when the difficult times arrived.

***** POST ***** by kutan shel hachabura, Sept 7, 2009
RE:  LETTING GO

The main thing for me was to realize that this business of lusting...

I feel awful thinking that I do it, and again, and again, and cannot get this into control.  That awful feeling is not to put me into despair, but rather to shake away the fake veneer that this silly thing seems to have to me.

And then, the first instant that the YH presents itself, I feel myself giving over my whole body and existence to Hashem.  Hashem, take me, I'm yours.  When that kicks in, I feel happy being close to Hashem, and do not have an interest any longer to look.  It’s not a fight any longer. I come away calm.

Doesn’t work 100% of the time, but it DOES work.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Sept 9, 09
PROGRESS REPORT

Lately I’ve been low-key about the forum.  I’m still here, though.

***** POST ***** by battleworn, Sept 9, 09
CHIZUK

Eye, your part of the family. You got to check in and tell us how you're doing. You can't just leave us in the dark! We love you to much for that!

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Sept 9, 09
PROGRESS REPORT

I still feel a major struggle in keeping my eyes down on the street.  I got myself a pocket calendar (hoping to get organized).  Then, I thought maybe I should mark on the calendar how many times each day I look at things on the street that I shouldn't.  It's a level of accountability that I never thought I could hold myself to.  I think it might be helpful.

Besides that, I'm trying to take my mind off of lust and think of worthwhile things instead.  I also wonder if an accountability partner might be more helpful than just posting here.

***** POST ***** by kutan shel hachabura, Sept 10, 09
CHIZZUK

Wonderful!  It’s a blitzkrieg, hitting the YH with multiple approaches.

One of the obstacles is that lusting seems like fun and enjoyment, so trying to think of other worthwhile things does not do it.

What worked for me is to realize how despicable it is to be 'lusting.'  Guard calls it poison.

***** POST ***** by kutan shel hachabura, Sept 10, 2009
WHY LUST IS DESPICABLE

Have you ever been to a kiddush--I'm talking about a kiddush with oily, brown, potato kugel.  Did you ever see someone who just HAD to get a piece? (Or two or three or four)… The guy lunging for a piece, with that look on his face.

That is called ' lusting '.

The kugel is mutar.  The guy heard kidush. On wine. Full cup. using a real kos, not paper. B'makom seuda (had 3 pcs of cake).

But it’s disgusting.  It’s piggish.

That's REASON #1.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Sept 11, 2009
WHY LUST IS DESPICABLE

I've been trying to think about your point, Kutan.

I remember once when I was a young teen-ager, a prostitute tried to hit on me.  I was surprised, because I wasn't anywhere known as a bad neighborhood.  She struck me as being really disgusting, wearing trashy clothes and with make-up like paint. She was really pathetic.

I was thinking of it now as if the prostitute was calling out, "Hey, do you want to catch a disease?"

And I was thinking how lusting, eventually, could cost a person his wife and children.

So, I started to imagine that the women are calling out, "Hey, have a minute of pleasure with me--and ruin your family forever!"  I can imagine how an interest in ANY woman can seem just as pathetic as that diseased prostitute.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Sept 11, 2009
CHARTING YOUR PROGRESS

I've been trying to write down in my pocket calendar how many times I've stared at women in the street each day.  I assumed this happens nearly a hundred times in a day.  Now that I'm keeping track, I see it is much less.

So, I see two benefits of charting your progress.

With this 90 day chart, I had assumed that my falls with mas*** was once every few months.  After I started keeping track, I realized it was much more often.  I NEEDED TO WORK ON THIS MORE THAN I THOUGHT.

With this chart to keep track of how many times I was looking at women, I THOUGHT IT HAPPENED SO MANY TIMES THAT I THOUGHT THE BATTLE WAS COMPLETELY HOPELESS.  Now, I see it is much more manageable.

***** POST ***** by guardureyes, Sept 12, 2009
CHARTING YOUR PROGRESS

You are an amazing guy. I really like the idea of keeping track in a notebook of the times we take a second look. I think I'll add that to our tips section!

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Sept 14, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

My wife and I have had a couple of serious romantic misunderstandings lately.  Things fell apart at the last minute.  In the past I would have gotten into a bad mood and acted out.  This time I don't feel resentful about it.  It wasn’t anybody’s fault, and I’ll survive without it.

This is entirely new for me.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Sept 14, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

I've just made it to two clean weeks.

I have decided to use the forum less.  It's not a question of how much to use the forum, rather it's a question of how much to use the computer.  I think I am addicted to THAT even more than I'm addicted to lust.  I'm finally waking up to the toll it's taking on my wife and kids.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Oct 1, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

I'm now on 28 clean days.

I think getting enough rest is a big key in this struggle.  I've been doing much better at this since I drastically cut down my computer use.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous, Oct 5, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

I'm now on day 32.  Day 30 was on Succos.  I've broken a psychological barrier of mine, because I once thought that there's a pressure buildup that is impossible to withstand after 30 days.  Thanks to the GYE handbook, I can get rid of this misconception.

As I keep on at staying clean, I'm realizing just how much schmootz was hiding behind this addiction.

For one, intimacy between my wife and I is starting to feel more like a human interaction, instead of a mental short-circuit while some animalistic impulses are fulfilled.

Also, I noticed that I am excessively angry with our children because they interfere with my lust fulfillment—my wife is often overwhelmed by them—not in the mood for intimacy.  Recently I could accept that intimacy may have to be on hold until we figure out how my wife can get some peace of mind.  It was liberating.

Also, in general, I am starting to view things as addictive—if I can't control myself then it's an addiction.  I've cut back on computer use, which has been very positive. 

Also, I am becoming more available to my wife and children. 

The addictions were an escape from my problems.  Now I have to face the problems and deal with them.  This was VERY depressing at first, but I think the ultimate rewards will be worth the difficulty.

***** POST ***** by kutan shel hachabura, Oct 6, 2009
CHIZZUK

Your insight is GOLD.  You’ll find that letting go of lust will have a domino effect, and other parts of our life will SLOWLY (never expect instant results... instant coffee never can equal the real thing) improve in dramatic ways. The fact that you are discovering this so fast is amazing and shows that you really have insight into yourself.

Once you can calmly put lust on hold,  things fall into place, and eventually the intimate parts of marriage will actually be MUCH more fulfilling, but in a totally different way.
Please keep us informed!

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous.  Oct 12, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

I had a BIG SLIP yesterday.  It was a total Yeitzer Hara sneak attack.  I am still surprised that it happened.

***** POST ***** by 7Up.  Oct 12, 2009
CHIZZUK

What's impressing me most about your struggle Eye, is how you are utilizing it to make changes and improvement in your overall life and outlook, and realizing that it is only a part of the whole picture. 

We all have what to learn here.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous.  Oct 13, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

I fell.  This fall, and my previous slip, were both incidents where something MUTAR suddenly lead to something ASUR. 

I can't believe how tricky this yeitzer hara can get!

HELP!

I'm starting again...  Day 1.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous.  Oct 14, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

Wow, what a yeitzer hara!

One fall after 40 clean days.  The yeitzer says, "Well, why don't you just take a day off before starting again!"

Baruch Hashem, my one fall didn't lead to more than one fall.

***** POST ***** by Eye.nonymous.  Oct 15, 2009
PROGRESS REPORT

Now on day 2.  Or, one day a second time in a row.

***** POST ***** by sturggle.  Oct 15, 2009

achas v'achas