kutan shel hachabura wrote on 08 Nov 2010 17:17:
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Tough solders get the tough assignments!

I know what it's like to be tempted by someone who I know I'm better off avoiding...in all sorts of ways. I've been tempted sexually, tempted emotionally, even tempted altruistically (her father was sick, she was moving, and she just needed me to drop off some boxes by her place. I wouldn't even have to see her!).

The fact that you were able to walk away is truly amazing. As time goes on, and you create some more distance between you and this disease, you'll start to see just how poisonous these relationships really are. And then, hopefully, it'll become a little easier to do what's good for you. Feel free to Pm me if you'd like to discuss, anytime.

day 29
and all i can say wow, i got a lot of responses. thank you everyone, each of you really made a difference to me. today i had a couple thoughts that today should really be day one, i realize now that (for my present run) it was the yetser telling me that. it might have been a big slip, a slip that my ankle did feel, but after all it was a slip and not a fall.

i have a question i have thought about this question many many times so im not sure if i previously posted it.
RAMBAM says what is a real baal teshuva? one who is in the very same position, same circumstances, same desire, but the only difference is that this time he controls himself. lets say a person starts to have a fall (really slipping) and in the middle he stops himself, what does that fall under? is it the same concept of the rambams baal teshuva?

also my friends, let us all remind ourselves again:
i cant live with this, it is messing up my life. it makes my life un-livable. it makes spirituality very hard and its not just something we've been told, i really feel the difference. it causes one to look at EVERY and i repeat every woman in a sexual way (even if society would look down on you if you had those thoughts....{disgustingly enough, our society is constantly getting worse and worse}) and i just cant live with it. and i cant push it off until later. its now. i have to get rid and push it away until tomorrow, today i have no time to give to it.

if i give one day to the yetzer, im really giving him years upin years cus each fall makes it harder and harder. (not to depress those of us who have had multiple and multiple falls, there is always a way out)

anyways, once again  you are all awesome thank you for your responses
dov wrote on 08 Nov 2010 13:41:

what do you meen? are you refering to the fact that i reached out to my rav?
ZemirosShabbos wrote on 08 Nov 2010 15:13:


just by replying you have added so much!

Soldier,

We are all very proud of you and we are all celebrating with you. Keep it up and, while you climb higher and higher, please do me a favor... Take me with you!

I'm on day 7 today. Thank you Soldier. Much hatzlocha.

HashemsSoldier wrote on 09 Nov 2010 02:55:


I love you (really) as soon as I find out that you have lust troubles - I am a friend to anyone who sees lust as a problem for them. Particularly if they are addicts.

So please remember that as I say this to you about the RMB"M's teshuvah gemurah business above: My sweet chaver, are you out of your bleeping mind?

Really, I do respect you a ton for your honesty and openness and your desire to get better - against all odds, given the 'enemy'. I try to do all those things and need to hang around others like you and I who hold those values dear. And I really do love you. A ton.

But what is the significance of whether Hashem considers us ba'alei teshuvah gemurim, or not? Is it because it's nice to know if we are forgiven? So, if we are not....then what? Do you think He doesn't have enough room in His storehouse of Chessed Chinam to help out the people he doesn't yet forgive? Besides, who else is his Chessed for if not for yidden who are not yet ba'alei teshuvah gemurim?

Last I checked, I was still in Olam Hazeh, olam hashekker. There is no schar here, only more mitzvos (s'char mitzvah=mitzvah)....or more aveiros. Life....or death. It is the Olam of our Avodah, not reward or gain. What our status is has no relevance to our avodah.

It's not a gayva thing. It's just an irrelevant thing. Of course, some will tell you that the big danger with concerning ones-self with this issue is that we might put ourselves into such predicaments - in order to 'prove' ourselves by finally 'doing a teshuvah gemurah'. I don;t worry about that too much. The only people who intentionally put themselves in predicaments are those who end up acting out, anyway. They are still experimenting.

Like: Q: For whom is the web filter not 'strong enough'?
        A: For the one who tests their filter.

Same thing. As far as I am concerned, if I am are really interested in surrendering and being free, then wondering about teshuvah is just as self-centered and deadly to me as wondering about trying the next porn site is.

You said it best:




It is not about teshuvah - it is about being alive today. If Hashem considers that under the rubric of teshuvah, then that is His Business, not mine.

One more caveat (if you can tolerate my gibberish). I don't know about you, but my yiddishkeit went through it's first serious development between the ages of 10 and 20. That was the same age during which my sexuality and dependence on schmutz and masturbation first developed. Coincidence?

I think not.

To me, my yiddishkeit was supposed to enable me to control this monster. Well, it didn't. It wasn't Hashem's fault or yiddishkeit's fault. It was mine. I used whatever bechirah I had to comfort myself and to try to play a big, 25 year long balancing act with yiddishkeit and lust. Eventually I was just acting out like crazy. Nu. By that time, bechirah was a joke...I had given it up. So that's the way it was. But I got sober when the pain got bad enough for me to feel the way you described so well, above. And by a miracle (the Chessed of Hashem) I am sober today, too, since a bunch of years ago.

I need to leave the 'driving' to Hashem, and that includes 'The Truth'. This world is not the world of Truth - the Truth is hidden about who is at the top, and who is at the bottom - to all of us. It's alma deshikrah, as the gemorah calls it.

The only truth we really need to know is not history, not politics, not what is right or wrong with our neighbors, but only the truth about what our job is. Not even about how Hashem views us, nor about how he views anyone else.

The yiddishkeit I used to know - the one that developed in tandem with my sexaholism - was all about my madreigah, my teshuvah, and Hashem taking me back.....and look where it got me. Straining for ever more 'control' of my spirituality, my madreigah....ultimately trying to control the way G-d works with me and treats me, by His own rules! All so I could keep dancing with my buddy, lust.

Now I try to let go and let G-d. Period.

It is a completely different life. A safe life.



I don't know, really, just that whatever you are doing, keep it up, that's all. Stick with the winners, not the whiners, I guess...

Wow, Dov. I love you!

HS, i think a promotion is in order. i will have to speak to your commanding officer...
do you like red, green, or purple berets?

you did us proud!

Onward, Hashem's Soldier!

dov.
wow, that was a lot. and it was also a big eye opener. true, i guess i was just wondering about that Q about the rambam. but now after hearing what you have to say, you are right, i dont need to know any of that. thats not my job, in life. thank you very much.
there was a lot of gold in what you said and i dont even know if i got all that i can out of it. thank you very much.

ZS green!  ;D

day 30. today was a long day, i have a big bio test today, and there was a lot of stress cus i was having a lot of trouble with shiur today, the tosfos and then the pnei yehoshua, i wasnt even sure if i understood the actual gemmorah. it was very very frustrating. but we all hate frustration cus it leads us where we dont want to be led to. so i got rid of it. i worked on the gemorah. and now i know it. but i still have a lot more to work on and its frustarting,but im keeping my cool and staying happy.

Hi HS, how's the new green get-up? are you getting stopped and patted on the back by environmentalists?

keep up your great work! watching you is more exciting than the Army-Navy games

today is 31.... lamed alef.
wow
it feels great to be here already. but i still have a lot of work to do. i am still in the habit. im not clean of it yet. i will never be clean of it but im still in the cycle. its just that ive stopped it for 31 days so far.
battle plans:
chazar attitude handbook and start on the other handbook.
learn lots of torah. i go to a shiur on avodah zarah and meseches beitzah and rosh hashana. these arnt so much of me learning they are more of me just trying to spend my time in a holy way. i work on meseches sukkah with someone. and im gona try to work on pesachim (in shiur we are only doing part of first perek and part of second.
3) keep on trucking....more things to come soon, anyone have any ideas?

im still trying to work on my learning skills and it is still frustrating cus my rebbe jsut switched our chavrusas and i got one that really wont be helpful for me. it really frustrating because its a kind of person that i have to teach it to when i myself dont even know it yet. yet im still trying to push forward and keep happy.

lets are keep on trucking
HS

is using an Artscroll gemara an option? english or hebrew

Depending on the situation, using an artscroll doesn't always help someone develop their skills.

Keep in mind, though, that having a chavrusa that you need to help, can be a good thing, on several levels.

Sounds like you've got a lot of torah in you, and now that you've started to get clean, your connection with torah will be more real. You may not feel that right away, but how does thinking about that make you feel?

not having much personal experience with Artscroll gemaras, it is hard for me to judge whether it helps gain learning tools.

there is another angle to consider for the immediate short-term benefit. anyone can tell you how frustrating it can be sometimes to learn gemara and not understand whats going on. someone recently posted about the RID they were getting by learning gemara and not understanding. so even if learning techniques might not be enhanced by using an Artscroll gemara it might take away some of the RID.

I am not entirely familiar with the situation at hand, just putting out ideas.

Maybe one day there will be an Artscroll Big Book of AA....just a nutty idea from a nutty guy.