I have had a multi-year struggle with pornography addiction.  Every time I feel like I'm getting ahead of the game I stumble and feel like I'm right back at square one.

Here are a couple of things that are holding me back that I would really appreciate help with:
Often the guilt and shame associated with this problem make me feel like I'm being false with Hashem and take away any feeling of accomplishment or recognition that I also do good things.  How do I get around this trick of the yetzer hora?

During the periods when I am successful in avoiding the problem there is a growing tension each day that I am going to fall off the wagon.  Sometimes falling off the wagon eliminates this stress but then I'm back to square one and depressed again.  How do I avoid this trap so I can take things one day at a time?  Right now I'm at day 20 and I'd really like to make it to 90.
I usually fall off the wagon sometime after Yom Kippur and before the end of Succot.

Any help and advice is appreciated.

Uh-oh...."somwhere between Yom Kippur and Succos"....uh-oh....

From where I am sitting (the kitchen table right after breaking my fast ;D), it seems to me that you have at least two choices:

1- "Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!!! L'Shem Shomayim!" Well, that approach has not served you very well yet for a bunch of years. But who knows? "Maybe if I try the same method again, I'll get a totally different result this time?" OK, that idea is pretty dumb, so here's the second option, and it's really ludicrous:

2- Give your competition with lust up completely - true, we pervs can't afford to use the schmutz, but on our own we are guaranteed to flop and use it again eventually (as you stated) and staying clean today is going to have to be a miracle - a real one, not just a figure of speech - so you get no s'char or credit at all for staying clean, at all (besides staying clean!);
AND (here comes the really annoying suggestion) give up on reaching 90 days....no, I do not mean "go flop on your face and use schmutz." What I mean is: consider stopping counting, at least till Pesach. For some people counting works great - but if the mounting "day#" is accompanied by mounting 'tension' - be it mental or physical - that means to me that counting is poison for you. It also might mean that getting to that # has become a lust itself and gotten a life of it's own. And that may not serve you well, as you might be finding.

Hey, you asked for suggestions, not me!

I do not know what is right for you, and there are certainly other approaches than mine. I come from a narrow band of addiction and recovery, so sitting here in my kitchen and sharing my own experience is all I can do.

We just finished Yom Kippur. We are clean and He has given us tremendous bracha and has set up all kinds of help the year through for growth and success in ruchniyus and gashmiyus, so go and do what is truly best for you. Don't wait, and don't wast time with plans that have a horrible track record - try something new and stick with it long enough to give it a real shot.

As far as the contact people you mentioned in another post, how do you feel about a few phone #s? Let me know, OK?

Hatzlocha sweet yid!

Dov... a breath of fresh air after YK... Thanks...~

If I can elaborate on Dov's comments... all based on my training, reading a Daily Dose of Dov every day...
The guilt and the tension are all related. It means that the struggle is about "ME" (boldfaced, capital letters, 128 pt font, pick your favorite color). I messed up in the past. I better do good now... etc.

The other option is to forget about the me (1pt font, still can choose your favorite color). completely. Its for Hashem. HE (Boldfaced, etc....) gave me my past, and HE will help me, not in the future, but just today (that is where we interface with Him). Hashem, certainly, can help me through the day without a problem.  I'm just gonaa read the Daily Dose of Dov and trust in him (OK, need a few more tricks, but catch up on the old DDoD's and you'll be up to speed in no time.

Its a really sweet way, and it works!


kutan

Well put Dov.  Solid advice.

Disclaimer: Rabek's honesty triggered my thoughts from past experience, and I frequently cheat off of you, Jooboy, and Kutan. Really. So thanks.

Let's keep it up, yeah?

Rabek wrote on 17 Sep 2010 16:23:



To quote the mesilas yesharim and perhaps any and every other sefer on the planet that deals with nisyonos.....

You are NEVER ahead of the game.

You always have to watch for the yetzer.

The yetzer is ALWAYS a step ahead.

The bullets are always whizzing by.

We can't see them.

That's the problem.

If we forget that the bullets are whizzing by, we run into them.

That's what happens.




Welcome to GYE.
Gevaldigggeh Yidden Encouraging one another.
I get a lot of chizuk here, and iy"H you will to.

kol tuv.

maybe stop focusing on the number of days and start focusing on breaking the habit?

i know that's helped me last time around- not worrying about days but every time i wanted to act out thinking
"if i say no i'm breaking off more threads tying me to this habit"

the second you realize your hands going down you say 'no i need to break this habit'
avoid triggers. enjoy each day that's clean.

and if you mess up you mess up. just don't mess up all the way. i mean it's bad to fall but that can't be what you're thinking about all day.

basically if you focus just on not falling, you wont be able to focus on fixing yourself. that's my take on it anyways.