hello all,

I've come from a past which was full of all sorts of disgusting filth.  at one point i realized that my habits (which started as curiosities) were incompatible with who i actually wanted to be and i started to cry out to H-Shem to help me out of the pit i had dug over many years.

Thank G-d, I've come a long way, and now where i stand is infinitely better than where i was just five years ago.

I recently had a clean streak of over 6 months, and a few others of about 2 or 3 months.  I don't look at p*rn anymore and it actually is disgusting to me.  Yet, I seem to be stuck.  now i still fall every once in a while, i'll get tripped up and look at immodest pictures of women and a couple of times i fell with shomer habris.  Now, even though i know i should be very happy for the progress i've made which was truly a miracle, I can't be satisfied in my current state!  I want to be completely free!  I want so badly to be a pure, upstanding, good man who will be a pure and upright husband please G-d and father.  How can I stop this behavior completely?  At the time of my falls, I put up fences etc. and then i resolve to gain strength, rise and fight again.  but then 2 months later or so I seem to lose my mind temporarily.

one of my friends told me that when he was trying to quit cigarettes, he would keep a pack on him all the time, because that was the only way he could be sure that he wouldn't start smoking again.  I pray to be able to achieve this level of tshuva but it appears that i'm not strong enough, at least consistently, and i'm thinking now that in order to prevent my fits of folly i must throw out my internet (i already have accountability software installed), but this worries me because, in the worst case, I could fall again G-d forbid when I find myself in a situation with internet, or at least it means that I won't have fully revealed my inner strength, since i ran away instead of fighting.

if anyone can give me some good advice how to COMPLETELY free myself of looking at immodest images etc., I would be eternally grateful.

Please G-d this year should be a year of complete geulah for all yidden and the whole world

shana tova m'tuka

Shalom Aleichem Chaver,

First of all, kol hacavod on your successes. Even though it may not seem that way to you, they are truly admirable.

Yes, we all wish to be free and clean! "Unfortunately" this is wishful thinking. Once one has been exposed to these things they cannot be wished away.

However with the correct attitude and by using the support here you can beat the addiction.

Start by reading the handbooks which are available on the website and slowely with the help of HaShem you will learn how to pull yourself through.

Hatzlocho

Gevaldigggg

The honesty and the yearning is soo obvious in your voice


My good chaver

We say "keep on trucking"

Meaning keep on fighting keep on rolling keep on hitting the yh (yetzer hora)and if he hits you nu nu.. Just bounce back and hit him again and again


Ok now read this next paragraph slowwwly

You will never ever git rid of your YH

Sorry

You will ALWAYS have urges triggers and sad to say slip and even falls

So bardichev waht are you saying this whole battle is for nothing???

No no no and again no!!!

The job we have is to be engaged in the battle

That's our job

Its not our job to think and imagine the day being a retired general reading a stack of old battle books in a rocking chair and a cigar surrounded my medals and memorabilia

No it also not our job to say hey this is toooo huge foe me ill just chicken out and watch from the side

Yeah every once in a while I'll jump in

Neh! We need to be fully engaged. Full time.  At all costs. Day. Night. At work. On the street. In shul. At weddings. At the computer the blackberry. The everthingggg


You need to resolve that u are in it to win it. And winning means  STAYING IN THE GAME!!!


Keep on trucking

Bardichev

kutan hates giving advice.
Especially when others have already done so.

but here goes....

join one of the 12 step phone groups that GYE offers.

You will be part of a chevra.

You will have daily (well, 4x a week) reminders of where you are holding in life, and what needs to be done.

You will have telephone numbers of friends to call when you begin to feel a weakness setting in (called R.I.D. on the calls... restlessness, irritability, and ... not sure what the D is for)

Anyway, hat's off to you for all that you have done. Maybe you can spend some time each day on the forum helping others get to where you have reached!

humbly,
kutan