I've posted about post-90 before, but I feel there's more need to focus on this. The theme of the 90 day chart is that 90 days of sobriety breaks a habit (please correct me if I'm wrong). I know it doesn't mean that "falling" is then impossible, but it breaks the cycle.

My hope was that Post 90 the struggle would be much easier and maybe even non-existent. Well - that's clearly not true and as R' Bardichev responded last time I posted - the Satan is going to go nuts after day 90.

Here I am at day 112 (B"H!!) and the Satan has clearly not gone into hiding. It was surely Atzas HaYetzer that invented this notion of his hopeful demise. R' Y"H, ever the devoted Shliach, is strong as ever and he was even planning his post 90 strategy this whole time - "He'll reach 90 and he'll look forward to my death. When he'll discover that I'm still alive and well he'll give up because he'll think it's impossible to ever destroy me."

Yeah - he's alive and well and I continue to need tremendous Chizuk to stay clean. This war does not stop until the day I die (120yrs+!!) and winning is not determined by how beaten the enemy is because he will never give up and he'll only get stronger. Winning is the sum total of successes. Winning is how much I've grown. Winning is [__help me out here!____ ].

I can tell you now I no longer wonder what the Pshat in "Kol HaGadol Meichavairo Yitzro Gadul Haymehnu" - the greater one is, the greater the pull to steer off track. I also have tremendous respect for our Tzadikai HaDor - how they're able to "keep on truckin" is beyond me. "Sheva Yipol Tzadik V'Kum" - what makes the Tzadik great is he keeps getting up whenever he falls. "Im R'Isa Tzadik She'Chata Al TiHarhair Acharav.. B'vadai Asah Teshuva" - if you see a Tzadik do something wrong don't even think about it, don't associate him with that mistake - he certainly does Teshuva. His greatness is he keeps coming back strong.

It's very likely that I will one day fall again (Please G-d, no!!). What day 90 has taught me is that I have it in me to pick myself up and really shine. I have hit rock bottom before, but that didn't stop me from going 90 days, and now 112!!, completely clean. That rock bottom guy had the potential to be a 90+ guy all along and that knowledge and experience will never go away. I can fall 7 times and still stand straight. I hope never to fall again, but what's most important is that I now know that I can always get up and stand tall!

Powerful
Shkoiach!!!

say 90 times

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!

bardichev wrote on 17 Aug 2010 14:57:


Done! Wow - now THAT was powerful. It brought me to tears. Everyone should do that!

Thanks R' Bardichev

I WILL DO IT TOO BLI NEDER


DONE!!!!!!!

bardichev wrote on 17 Aug 2010 15:13:


Amazing - no? Baalai Mussar did this regularly, as I'm told. They're on to something!

I slipped and then I fell. I wish I could give you the details of how I slipped, but it would not be appropriate to share. The YH had been planning this slip for a while and I had been fighting it off for weeks, but it finally happened and then the fall following soon after.

Well YH - I'm sorry to say, although I'm sure you know this, that this fall is on the path of Tzidkus. It's a Tzadik who falls even 7 times - yup. Tzadik!! ahh - but it's the Tzadik who gets up after the fall. I'm getting up!! I'm not going to let this keep me down. I was clean for 121 days and there's no way anyone can take that away from me. That fact will always be true and I will keep that fact in my pocket for as long as I live (although I hope to upgrade to the 121+ model..). With my 121 I will start the chart again and rise. I'm confident I can do it again, because I've done it before, BE"H! And BE"H I can do 121+. But falling is on every Tzadik's resume. I ain't no Malach and I don't want to be a Malach. Does Hashem love Malachim? I highly doubt it. But it's a fact that Hashem loves those who are NOT Malachim. He sees how much they try, how much they overcome, and how much they dust off the dirt and start over again.

Just a comment - I was wondering where Hashem was during my slip and fall episode. In the past He would put lots of stumbling blocks to prevent this - crashing browsers, pop-in guests - all sorts of Simanim that He was here and concerned about me. Where was He? But then I fell and guess what I received in the email immediately after the fall. An email from OU's Taryag program with the subject line - "Slip and Fall" - it was about Nezek, but it was a clear hand wave from the Almighty. Thank you Hashem for showing me that you're still with me and that you see so much potential in me that you haven't forsaken me!

Y'know - I was really hoping to come to Rosh Hashana/YK with this 121+ day clean streak. I was so close. Well - guess what - I'm still coming to RH/YK with 121 days, and I"m coming as a real person - a Tzadik, not a Malach. BE"H I'll come with the drive to pick myself up strong after any fall - that's a Tzadik and this RH is already different than any other. BH!

The details of your getting up not falling not staying down in a depressive state are much more interesting that which specific tactic the Yetzer used in his latest attack.

... and that was extremely appropriate to post!

We all thank you for that!

Thanks Yosef H! I found it very therapeutic to punch out that Chizuk for myself. I then read some of the material GYE send after a fall and it was along the same lines - Baruch SheKivanti! GYE - you're spot on with your Chizuk as usual!!

..and we find it very therapeutic to read how real people strengthen themselves when they need Chizuk!

The human element adds a lot! It adds something that an automatically generated form letter cannot possibly supply. [This is not to be taken as belittling the awesomeness of those emails! They work wonders in reminding us about stuff we already knew; it reminds us when we need to remember it most!]

Thanks Yosef H. It's good to know that someone else is out there. I fell again this morning. Picking myself up as we speak... I also see the RBSH"O really wants me to succeed here because I was faced with a very sticky situation. I was really stupid and thought the internet monitor would not track my fall into the darkside of the internet (what was I thinking???) So I figured I'd cancel my monitor and my partner would not see the details of my fall. The monitor is smarter than that and sends a last report to any partner who's been canceled, and I'm told there's no way to halt that - even canceling the service (great service BTW!) So... I had to come clean with my partner and tell him what actually happened - how embarrassing!! It could be worse though so it's not the end of the world. Nonetheless I see that this mess could only be a message from Hashem that He's rooting for me and sees that I need a strong pinch to get back on track. Thank you RBSH"O for showing you're with me!

Just another point, for those who like fire and brimstone -

This monitor mess and my embarrassment really gives me a taste of "Oy Lo L'Yom HaDin. Oy Lo L'Yom HaTochacha" When you then you're during things under the radar and no one is watching it's a smokescreen. HKB"H is always watching, as we've all heard ad nauseam, and it's painful to actual experience that sometimes. But that's part of the pain we'll feel some day when we come L'Fnei Kisai HaKavod. I'm comforted knowing that HKB"H is the infinitely sweetest kindest being and He'll handle me with infinite sensitivity, but He also wants me to know that he was always watching. What's also comforting is that ..well..that he's always watching! You're never alone - It's always at least you and your loving Father - keeping you company, helping you, advising you (mostly through Limud Toraso), ...and giving you all the functions of life!! Thank you Hashem for the potch and for showing that You care.

But Hashem sees all those moments when we had the urge to ____ and didn't! The flesh & blood partners know nothing of this.

We do not know the 'weights' of mitzvos or aveiros. In all likelihood, the merit of resisting the urge once can quite possibly outweigh by far the negative of succumbing a few times! After all, Hashem know our Yetzer, He know how difficult it is to stay pure. Is it far fetched to say that the odds are stacked against our keeping ourselves holy?

Its possible it outweighs, but that would seemingly depend on many other factors, mainly, how successful the person with the Nisayon has been in the past. BH I'm not in charge of making those Cheshbonos! My job is to keep on truckin.

I made it back on the chart - BH!! I must say - it was very close. I was challenged just a moment ago - heart was beating fast, almost got carried away, but then I remembered that it was still in the slip stage and not yet a fall and stop in my tracks. The beating heart immediately slowed down to normal and here I am updating my success and on to level 1. Thank you Hashem! I'm sure those Tefilos this morning were helpful - was great to speak to You!