It is great progress. Make this your red line: "NO outside stimulation". If you conquer that territory, you will find the next territory much easier to conquer as well!

Thank G-d, back on 3 clean days. I have been getting down lately about work and my career (which I need direction in). I hope this doesn't lead me to anything impure.

My wife thinks my general attitude needs to be worked on to increase the happiness in my life. She has suggested working on CBT (Congnitive Behavioural Therapy) using a CBT for Dummies book. Has anyone used this and had success? What are peoples' thoughts? She things this will help my problem, and well as depression and general unhappiness.

Now that most of my internet is safe (thanks to K9) I need to make sure I don't watch any inappropriate movies, or buy any DVDs. This is something K9 can't stop me doing.

I sometimes feel sad that I am cutting these (forbidden) things off from me. It is like the story someone sent me (maybe it was the one about Jack) - missing the p*rn is like missing a friend, but really it is my worst enemy. How can I become a person who no longer needs this or wants it? What will it take to get to this stage? I feel withdrawal symptoms. My Y'H is telling me "how can I live with just the one woman who you married - surely you need more? She doesn't fulfil all the fantasies that you have and want etc". I know this is the Y"H and I want to ignore it.

Can I get to a stage where I am content and happy without viewing anything inappropriate or impure? Will this YH ever be taken away from me?

I want p*rn yet I don't want it. How do I get to the stage where I don't want it at all? Will this ever be the case?

Thanks to everyone for their continued support

You're no different than all of us here... Many succeed. Find out how. It takes time, patience and preserverence... Read the handbooks and the daily Chizuk e-mails... Post on the forum. Start to LIVE LIFE, a life of giving, connection to Hashem. Get out of yourself. You find that with time, you will need this less and less.

Fell again today. I am going to need to find a way for K9 to block Itunes.
Will get back on top of things again. I wasn't ready to go all the way.

kosher_eyes wrote on 27 Oct 2009 11:59:


Hatzlacha!

After falling again on 30th Oct, I am now on 4 clean days again.

I have blocked itunes using K9, and deleted some non kosher movies, and now feel much safer.

It wont be long till my birthday - I am hoping that this year for me will be the first of many better years, where I gain control of my YH.

Now on 10 days clean. Hope to keep going.

May you truly achieve "Kosher Eyes"!

Hi,

I have been having real trouble with K9 on my Mac. It keeps crashing my machine, and I think i need an alternative product. I also use Covenant Eyes for Accountability. I don't have any trouble with K9 on my PC.

Has anyone used Intego ContentBarrier for Mac? It looks a lot better (as only available on the Mac, so probably integrates better with it). Covenant Eyes also recommended it to me. Will it be like K9, that my wife can install and keep the password, and she can then control all the settings?

Please let me know your thoughts!

Thanks

kosher_eyes wrote on 04 Jan 2010 15:16:

hi, KE
i have "i protect you" filter. i don't know if it works properly on mac but you can try.
its not a free, but i have one free  .
if you want to try tell me by email ill send it to you

Hi. Sorry I've not posted for a while.

Over the last few months I have gone through both good and bad spells. I have put up barriers and these do work, although I then find I need to put up more.

My Mac K9 filter really wasn't working properly, so I bought ContentBarrier which works great, and is very flexible. I find that I am not really tempted on my machine anymore which is a good thing. The problem is my YH looks for other ways to get me. I started looking for DVDs to buy. I felt I couldn't but these in a shop, because it would be a visible Chilul Hashem, so I went on Amazon and ending up buying a movie which I shouldn't have done. This ended up with me falling.
This came up on my Covenant Eyes report, which my Rav is now monitoring.

Adding my Rav to CE was a good thing, and I didn't tell him I had a problem, just that I wanted to be accountable for my internet usage. When he got the report, unlike previous friends I had added to CE, he actually sent me a txt asking if I would like to meet up for a chat with him. This really had a powerful effect on me.

The problem was my YE was looking for ways around the barriers. I need to more careful with DVDs now that my computer is safe. I said to my wife I only want to watch DVDs that she buys for me, and that I wont buy any myself.

Then, another fall. I got a new phone, and before I had chance for my wife to disable the internet on it - my YH got me again. Now it is disabled.

I just keep ending up with the YH attacking me. I often feel helpless, like I don't care if I fall. But then when I do, I feel low, and realise how damaging it is. The small amount of pleasure experienced is nothing compared to the great damage done.

I think I need to get involved in a phone group, except the times are not good for those in the UK. Is there anyone who can set up, or is interested in, a UK phone group in the evenings some time? I have got to the stage where I need to actually talk to people about this. I am still scared to tell my Rav of my problem. He wont look at me the same again, he will be disappointed etc. i feel that it wont help me, and that if he knows, I wont care if I go on a website even if he finds out, because he knows I have a problem. How have others felt when they have told their Rav?

Hope my rambling on is understandable. Will update in a few days

Seems like you are learning new things from each fall... That is what Hashem wants from us.

Someone posted today on the forum:

Today our Rebbe, Reb Duvid Chaim, was discussing the Middos of Rachamim (Attributes of Mercy). The sixth attribute of the thirteen is Erech Apayim, which refers to God's endless patience with us. It might be possible that Erech Apayim corresponds to the sixth of the Seven Middos through which God runs the world (Chesed, Gevurah, Tiferes etc), which is Yesod. Yesod refers to shmiras habris, moral purity, which is our addiction. This teaches us that Hashem's patience is especially applicable to those of us who are engaged in working on Midas Hayesod, the struggle to establish and solidify the foundations of our lives and our Yiddishkeit. He knows how difficult it is and has all the patience in the world (after all, he created patience!) as he waits for us to get it right by fully turning to Him and letting go and letting God.

Can you join Duvid Chaim's group? It's 5 PM in UK I think.

Many thanks for the Chizuk. I am counting on Hashem being patient with me.

I will contact Duvid Chaim regarding his group. I may not be able to do this time every day, but it may work sometimes.

many thanks

Hi everyone.

Wow, I haven't posted for ages, really sorry about that.

I have just had a bad week after being 'clean' for 50 days approx. I have had some incidents where I have viewed stuff in that time, but didn't fall properly until this week. I have now fell twice this week.

My Y'H didn't want me to get to 90 days before my first baby is due, please G-d. If I didn't slip this week, I would have still been able to make it. now I cannot.

I fell the day before an interview, which I was really stressed about. I guess stress seems to be a really big trigger for me.

For months now I haven't been on websites etc. My filter has removed this temptation. A couple of months ago my problem was DVDs. Now it seems to be Itunes. I tried blocking it on my filter, but this doesn't seen to work well. If I block it on the router, then I can't do stuff that I need to do (update apps and phone settings etc). On the other hand I seem to have gone out of control with buying films, and I am convinced that this has cost me at least ?200 over the last 2 months (something I can't really afford). The problem is, browsing in itunes does not seem to appear on the covenant eyes report. And so I have no deterrent.

I have emailed apple to ask them to block my ability to buy films but not sure if this will work.

The last few timed I have acted out, it hasn't really been 'pleasurable' either. In fact, it has left me sore and feeling awful, which makes me ask myself, why do I still do this? I know that I am left depressed each time, I know it is wrong, I know it effects my relationship with my wife, I know it isn't good for my future child, I know it effects my job and my ability to get stuff done - then WHY DO I DO IT!?

I think I need to work through the 12 steps, except none of the phone groups in the US really work for me (time wise). I would like to join a UK based group. Is there anyone out there willing to set one up? Even once or twice a week would be good for me. I am happy to organise and setup if there is someone with experience of the 12 steps who can work through this.

I haven't posted on my group (I think this was group 5) for a while, but I think this has essentially finished due to lack of communication. Perhaps I should join another group?

Anyway that's all for now. WIll try to let everyone know how I am doing.

Have a good Shabbos!

I had the same question myself for many years.  Finally I came to SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) and now I know the reason I keep going back is because I'm an addcit and I am powerless over lust.

SA says the solution to this problem is the 12 steps.


Hatzlacha in your recovery!