Honestly not sure where my posts about it are - sorry.
Here are a few thoughts as far as attraction. I'm basing this on my own experience, as well as what I've heard from my rabbeim, plus discussions with my therapist.
Physical attraction is important. It's not the most important thing, but it's still eseential. You can not get engaged or married, assuming that as time goes on, things will get better. That's not fair to you, or her.
As far as things getting worse as you go out longer...well, read the rest of the post, and I'll get back to that at the end, plus another warning.
However, if you're not sure, I think it's worth going out a bit longer.
Here's what I consider valid, and stinking thinking (I'll try to avoid any triggering phrases, and use non-triggering versions instead. You'll be able to figure out what I m,ean, and apply it to your own personal situation):
Valid: You want to be attracted to her. It doesn't have to be on the 1st date, but there should be an attraction. Not to be too crass, but you need to be able to enjoy being with this person.
Where the problem arises (call it the yetzer hora, Lust, the addiction, stinking thinking, etc) is as follows, at least for me: I don't think I'm the only one that has this issue, but I find there can be a big difference between what I'm attracted to, and the type of girl I've always imagined myself marrying. Sometimes it can be difficult to figure out where the line is - you could be dating someone that has a body type you've just never imagined yourself being under the chuppah with...and yet, maybe if you allowed yourself to, you'd be attracted to her.
Also, I found that there's another way that the yetzer hora tries to get you. He might say to you (though he speaks in your voice, of course) that she's lacking in a certain area. Maybe you really like blonde hair. And even if you're attracted to her, marrying her means that for the rest of your life, you're never going to be with a girl with blonde hair! And every blonde-haired girl that passes you on the street, you have to look away from!
That can be very difficult to accept. However, to my mind, that's pure stinking thinking. Ultimately, NO woman is perfect. Even the most perfect woman doesn't have every attribute, because it isn't possible. If she has blonde hair, that means she won't have black hair. If she's tall, then means she isn't short. You get the point. There will always be things that the girl you're marrying lacks. The only question is whether you notice them now, or later.
You get to decide whether you want to take this girl that you're attracted to, with all her lacks, and focus on her, making her the only woman in the world to you (as much as possible).
Now, returning to the fact that things get worse as you date more...there are a few possible reasons for that, and only you can figure out which one is at work. It could be that indeed, you're not atracted to her, and s you go out longer, you become more and more aware of that. Good!
It could be, though, 1) that as you date longer, the worries about the issues I mentioned above sit on your mind more, and that can me you focus on her lacks, or her issues - and everyone has features that are less perfect. 2) It could also be that as things get more real, and more possible, there might be a tendency to worry more about smaller things. Getting engaged/married is scary for everyone, and we want to marry someone with whom as much as possible will go smoothly.
News Flash - it isn't going to go smoothly. Life is bumpy, but hopefully good. Accept that now, you'll be a lot happier.
One final thought. If you push away the issues of physical attraction, you may find yourself nitpicking in other areas (i.e., hashkafa), because you're really worried - and maybe if you addressed those worries, it might turn out to be OK.'
And this might sound like kfira, but it's part of the reason you need a rebbe - not every minor hashkafic difference is a reason to say no. Talk it over with a rebbe.
