I "stumbled" onto this site a few days ago.  3days clean.  1-2-3, what you wrote about the spring totally hits home.  I stop, stop, stop, hang on, and then wham, and then why did I do that?  Why do I keep doing that.  and I just let the yetzer drag me through the drek.

Something seems more serious after finding this site.  (I keep saying "this site" because I don't know anybody yet).  There's no high from being clean this time.  Actually, I'm feeling scared.  Not yiras scared.  scared like for my life.  And always this stuff I struggle with so alone.  Please let me know somebody's out there.  I don't even know if I'm using this site the right way.

I've got my story, but right now, I just don't want to do the spring thing anymore, and I'm scared, and I could use some help.

Hi my friend,

I think just about every person on this site can empathise with your situation because we've all been there at some stage, at least to some degree (some still are).

It sounds like you've hit rock bottom. You've acknowledged that you have a problem and are desperate to remedy the situation. Guess what? That's great news! Do you know how many people continue to deny that what they're doing is wrong, that it's killing them inside and they never seek help and work on themselves???

You've come to the right place. You are not alone. The wonderful people here will continue to support you like a brother.

There are many tools on the website you can use, including this forum. It's a bit tricky at the start but you'll get the hang of it. I suggest to begin with that you install an internet filter and read the GYE handbook --> http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/eBooks/GuardYourEyes Handbook.pdf

Good luck!

thank you, Halevi,  for writing back.  I'm crying right now because I guess I didn't really believe it was going to happen.  For real.  But you wrote back and thank you.

I've been reading about putting a filter on, but I don't know if when my sons come to visit and they want to go to check the surf or ski report and those sites aren't on the whitelist, are they not going to be able to go to those sites.

Also, I tried getting on the 90day board but a glich happened.  Ill try again later.  I read the handbook and attitude over Shabbos.

Abba Abba please help me.  Thank you for sending me to these people.

No problem.

I was hesitant at first with the whole filter thing as well. I was worried that it would block out a lot of the harmless websites I usually visit.

The thing with K9 (the filter) is that it actually gives you a lot of options. I pretty much don't even notice it's there most of the time.

Dear 1daat,

Thank-you so much for sharing a bit about yourself here. It is so wonderful to read that a new person is coming around and desperate for help. B"H there are many tools for recovery of our lives and our sanity. If I understand what you are saying about yourself it seems I can relate a great deal. When I came to recovery it was after many years of hiding and running and desperate lust behaviors that were getting progressively deplorable, embarrassing and out of control. Thank G-d I found what I needed and latched onto it to save my life. Only now, years later, do my wife and I really appreciate how my life was truly in the balance back then....though I do believe that it is never too late. The program I work is made for people who have lost. For folks like me, who were beaten. I was sure that it was basically hopeless and I'd just get worse, get caught over and over and lose all I had in this life eventually. There was no end in sight.  I thank Hashem every day that my despair  - actually the most sensible perception based on my track record - was the very entrance fee to finally getting better. It is quite a surprise every day that I have a new life and can be useful, a good frum yid, a decent and loving husband and father, and keep a normal job. Actually it is amazing.

But it is a long, unending road that begins with living right today. And that begins with living right - right this minute. Not concerning myself with tomorrows sobriety or success is the requirement. I am in Hashem's hands right now, and I use Him and my friends to stay in the game. It has been thirteen years sober in recovery and my wife and I cannot imaging a better life. And it all started from me admitting that I was in the toilet. "Ein hadavar olui elle bee," as Rav Elazar ben Durdaya put it - it all has to start with me doing the next right thing and depending on my G-d to make it all right.

hey 1daat

welcome aboard brother

my name is bards  i dole out icecream and bourbon and some honest advice

as i always say

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!

that means keep running along even if slip or fall

GEVALDIGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!

BARDS

BTW, 1daat, Reb bards 8) is the man. If you know what's good for you, get to know him. If you don't, I'll dump a scoop of pistachio ice cream on your bicycle seat. (It's a shehakol....the pistachios are mixed in pretty well....never mind. :o)

  Thank you Dov, for that introduction!

Dear 1daat:

  You should know, that there is probably not one chiddush that you can tell your new friends here at GYE.
  What you may have done, what you were thinking of doing, what you are wanting to do, and all of your fears, and uncertainties. We know them all. You are not really being over powered with an array of surpirise attacks, from the outside, from the inside, from the left side, nor the right side. To make it as simple as possible, you are experiencing only 1 condition. It is called Lust addiction, with a capital "L". And, the #1 cause is your tests, and trials, your unahappines with your lot in life, which leads to........."L".

  There is so much for your to learn here. The first thing is to allow yourself the freedom to "open up", and not to hide anything.

  First and foremost, please do yourself the biggest favor. Avoid all fears, and worries. These are the number #1 killers which can only lead to more lust seeking. Even though you may feel "afraid", that.... if "I am not afraid, I won't be on guard,", or, "If I don't emerse myself into worry, I may do something irresponsible...."  All of this type of thought is rubbish,and it is the mental talk of the big y"h. He knows that this will only keep you where you are. He wants to continue to eat yourself up alive.
  PLease remember, Hashem is here with you, he really is, and he wants you to grow. By easing up a bit, trusting in Hashem....these are the first steps.

Hatzlachah!

ME THAT WAS PROFOUND
(SORRY DOV IT SEEMS THERE IS ANOTHER INTELLIGENT PERSON ON THE FORUM)

BY THE WAY ARE YOU ENGLISH??
WE NEED MORECHENRA IN THE ENGLISH PUB

LET ME KNOW

BARDS (BARKEEP OF BARDY'S OF LONDON)

  I took your advise. Ever since I began drinking, it opened up my mochin d'gadlus.

me wrote on 31 May 2010 15:03:





GEVALDIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

NOW KEEP ON TRUCKING!!

Hey 1daat,

Welcome Home. I mean that. This is your place on the planet where you'll meet tons of people, eventually, as word gets out that you're here an all, like I was saying TONS of people who struggle, feel and think just like you do. Well, Bards is an exception cuz he's just, you know, exceptional, kinda, I mean, like, how does he keep all that ice cream in his 18 wheeler from melting if he has such a warm heart?

Anyway, more later. Right now I'm running shpater....

Keep On Truckin'!!

STEEV?? WHEN ARE YOU GONNA BE IN BARDSTOWN?? STEAK IS ON ME??

1daat wrote on 31 May 2010 05:47:

So, now that folks are dropping by to say hello, are there parts of your story you're wanting the oylom to know? Do you want to share the specific "goal" you want to reach as a first effort (PLEASE don't make some huge promise of 'forever' or something on your first round here)? Do you want to put out your demographic info and history with "this stuff" in the hope of finding someone going through the same thing? Are you looking for advice on what stuff around this site might be helpful? Or...??

I know many of us would love to hear from you, and even occasionally offer thoughts that even occasionally might be supportive.

Thank you guys.  I woke up late after staying up late and making my first step to say something here.  Thank you for saying something back.  It helps so much.  Why do I keep wanting to cry?  I don't feel like I have to keep this deep down secret so much.

So Briut encouraged me to tell the specifics.  I'm 64.  I'm a therapist.  I live alone (with my dog). Two years ago I got arrested for solicitation.  Now the state board is investigating me, my name and the "accusations" (that's what they call it when they investigate you) against me have been made public on their website so any of my patients or anybody could see it.  I'm full of shame and anger at myself, and I can't stop thinking about it.  I know this is the yh keeping me into myself.  Sometimes for a little, I feel H" again, and I get out from under tzelmaavit.  But not very often.  Every day I'm anxious and worried.  I have a lawyer, and I'm pretty much sure I won't lose my license, but the disgrace eats at me day and night.  I'm always anxious.  Kavanah's so bad I'm saying words, fast, speed davening.  I sit in the back of the minyan.  Hishtadlus and emunah are getting bad.  I feel so far away.

I've been in therapy forever, because I'm bipolar (and medicated) B"H, and because my life's been a mess.  Three marriages and divorces.  I've tried to work on my sex problems for years.  The first signs of my addiction--wait.  something just happened.  A welling up just happened when I said that.  I can't believe that's off my shoulders.  I have a sex addiction.  My therapist has been saying that for years.  I could never admit it to myself, let alone out loud, here.  ok, I'm addicted.  I'm a sex addict.  Be"H  I won't go back on that.  I'm going to need help not to go back to lying about being a sex addict.  From reading on this site, I understand that now.  Just saying that feels more like a start than telling the story.  It's like, ok I said it.  It's a chazakoh now.  I feel like I can't go back on it now.  But from reading here I now know that I probably will go back.  I keep thinking I've got it together.  I can go a few weeks.  Always I'm right back doing it again.

Please keep reminding me, guys.  I know me, I'll start with the "well their telling you your really not so bad.  Maybe you're really not THAT addicted.  What's one little peek.  It'll take the edge off"  And then it's (yh) got me.  On comes the marathon masturbating. 

So that was a long detour, but it just happened all of a sudden.  But I know from what you said Briut, that I should go ahead and not hide and tell the story and stop with the secret life and pretending to my children, my patients, my whole family.  I don't mean I should tell everybody. I mean to tell my story, not have secrets from you guys  You really are out there still?  Tell me you're really still there.  Please.  I feel like if i get hurt again after opening up like this I'll use it to say, "Well, I knew it was too good to be true.  All I've really got is myself.  I'm alone again.  I can't stand it. I need some comfort.  And then I'll be back at it again, Chos V'. 

ok, so back to the details. Therapy has helped a lot.  I stopped using drugs, showing myself in public, going to massage parlors, picking up hookers (till the "slip" after ten years), masturbating two, three times a day.  Then in the last few years I started these many hours long masturbating to porn sessions.  I've analyzed it to death.  I can go for about two or three weeks is all.  It's the "spring thing" 1-2-3 talked about.  The whole time I'm not doing it it's just building up to another session.  I've started to get depressed and worried.  It must show because the Rov has asked me a couple times if everything's ok.  He knows about the solicitation thing and all the trouble it's gotten me in to, but not about the masturbating.

I gotta go daven.  I'll come back later.  Thank you for reading all this.  I feel like i went on too long.