In my tenure here this is something I havent done even though I have my own thread in Break Free.


Today, with Hashem's help will be my 3rd day.

I have been working with a sponsor (non GYE, yes world exists outside of this place) on my pre step 1. I haven't put in the effort I should at such an early stage which doesnt bode well for me. I need to push myself more to put in the work that my sponsor tells me I need to do. He is someone who is committed to SAA and if I want recovery then I need to follow his ways.

Well that's enough for a first post here on the WOH thread.

Have a great day everyone!

-Yiddle

outstanding!

Yiddle! Hey, you've given me lots of chizuk and my appreciation is greater than I can express with mere words. Thank you.

Three days is awesome. Even more awesome is the fact you want to do well. Heck, you're awesome!!! Keep your head up, my friend. Hatzlocha rabbah.

Hey everyone,

I wrote an amazing post here and was literally about to finish up but my computer shut off and ran out of battery. Who woulda thunk that a post about powerlessness and unmanagability would be terminated by the battery running out on my computer? Aint that ironic! Or as DC would call it, an A&W Moment.

Well I will try to write what I originally wrote but I wont get everything unfortunately.

Baruch Hashem, today is my 3rd day of constant sobriety but numbers dont really count at this npoint for me.

I had over an hour long conversation with my sponsor today. He is a greta person and would love to tell you more about him and his story, but I am not at liberty to do so. We were discussing the concepts of 'powerlessness' and 'unmanagability', the two focal points of step 1 of the 12 steps. I had a bit of a difficult time understanding the two. Powerlessness is easier to understand. On a simple level it means I tell myself I am not going to watch p**n and the next thing I know I am a few hours in. Managability is a little more difficult to grasp. There's a book that my sponsor had me start reading which I think puts it well. "When we were acting out (our powerlessness), - we suffered the consequences of our acts (our unmanagability). Likewise, when we allowed our lives to become unmanagable (dysfunctional, unorganized, and out of balance), we began acting out again. This cycle continued on and eventually a pattern was established: in order to bury the pain/shame we were feeling because of our acting-out behaviors, we acted out again."

We act iut because we acted out. Its like punching yourself in a different spot on your face in order not to feel the pain of the originial punch. Taking a different kind of poison because the first poison hurts too much. This is unmanagability. A never ending cycle of acting out because you dont want to feel the pain from the first one.

If anyone has anything else to say on this I would love to hear it.

The next thing I am working on is realizing that while I do love myself, when I am still acting out I do not TRULY love myself because if I knew how to truly love myself I wouldn't be acting out and hurting myself. By looking in the mirror at this point and saying that I truly love mysekf, I would be lying. I chose my words very carefully there. Once I learn to TRULY love myself, then I am in recovery.

I want to hear people's responses to this because this is all nothing I have ever read on here (doesnt mean its not here).

Have a great rest of the day!

-Yiddle

Hey all who read my thread (which is nobody, but thats ok because I do this for myself),

I am building myself up to complete step 1 with my sponsor and in turn I will be making a step1 presentation. It sounds like a very scary and frightening thing, but I am confident that if I am completely honest with myself that this will open alot doors that will help me on my road to recovery. I will have to dig deep inside and replay some footage of Yiddle.

Still working on the kinks of what powerlessness and unmanagability really are. I am powerless and my life is unmanagable, but to what extent? I had a hard time controlling my eyes today in school and in the street, but it didnt lead to acting out. I guess thats powerlessness over lust. Still not 100% sure what unmanagabilty is. I emailed my sponsor and we'll see what he says.

Anywho...

Have a great day everyone!

-Yiddle

Yasher Koach on working step 1 - the foundation of your new and better life.

For me unmanageability means not being able to live, think and have relationships with myself and others like a normal person.  If I am consumed with shame, guilt, fear, resentment, hatred, doubt, obsession, lust, anger then my life is unmanageable.  This is of course not to even mention if I am doing things that I absolutely believe are damaging to my body, soul, finances, job, reputation or that might land me in jail.

To each person it may look a bit different - but it basically means something is not right and the problem is myself.

Thanks Jooboy for more clarification on the subject.

In other news, I had a fall yesterday and then again last night. I recognized the beginning of a binge so I just had to put and end to it. Be'ezras Hashem, I will be woring with my sponsor more on step 1. I knwo I cannot expect perfection becasue only God is perfect, and heck, I'm only into part of step 1 for God's sake!

Moving forward!

-Yiddle

Bechasdei Hashem,

Another day today to live and make choices that I want to make. So I ask myself again: Do I truly love myself? If I do, then why do I do things to harm myself? Why do I do things that I know are bad for me? The answer is simple. I must not truly love myself. The word truly is the key word here. Of course I love myself, but do I truly love myself? Do I really appreciate the fact that I was created Be'tzelem Elokim? That God created me by taking out the time and effort (as if He actually used/needed any of them)? That the fact that I am still in this world means that I serve a purpose to it? There is still something that I am supposed to do here that I haven't yet completed in Gods eyes! Think about that! God only sustains people's lives on this earth if they serve a purpose. I MUST serve a purpose. I must appreciate the love that Hashem has for me and channel that towards TRULY lovng myself.

Appreciate the gift!

-Yiddle

I acted out today. Today has been a terrible in many respects. Sigh. Things just havent been going my way lately.

Yiddle2 wrote on 11 Jun 2010 02:06:

You know, the ability to recognize a crummy day as crummy, and then to simply "sigh," and then simply move on ... is the sign of a very courageous person. What I hear inside your sigh is not only the 'fell, schmell' thing, but also some resignation to the idea that Hashem runs the universe and is IY'H gonna give us another day.

May your 'nother day be a good one. And a Good Shabbos, brother.

Yiddle, keep your head up, my friend. Don't be afraid to start again. G-d loves and understands you. Don't lose sight of that. You're a great guy. You're worth not giving up on. Really.

How do I know you are such a great guy? You were one of the first to reach out to me when I first arrived here. I hope I never forget that. If you touched my heart, how much more do you touch the heart of G-d? As I said, you are a really great guy. You're growing and you're going to make it. G-d is with you in ways that cannot be expressed with words. Don't lose sight of that, my friend. Go ahead and dust yourself off and start again. You already have? Great. Be glad you did. You're going to make it in a great, great way.

Thank you Briut and TH

Briut: The sigh was not an "I'm ready to move on". It was more of a relaxing breathe to try and calm myself. Acting out was not (nearly) the only thing that went wrong today.

TH: Thanks for the encouragement but I must not be a hypocrite here, I must my ideals. I dont start over. I pick up where I left off. Thank you for being here for me and hopefully we can continue to be there for each other especially in the good times.

I have decided that tomorrow is another day. I cant let this stay with me through tomorrow. Then I decided wait! If I do that I will binge and act out again tonight. So RIGHT now is another moment and I cant let these angry depressive thoughts stick with me even for another moment. So I went for a walk (got away from my computer). Has a little chat with my sponsor. And did some usefull things around my room instead of wallowing in my bed.

Hope everyone is doing OK and if not I am here NOT acting out!

-Yiddle

Yiddle, good going. Your attitude is gadol. 

Behcasdei Hashem,

Things have really worked out for me in the last 15 hours. Things have been looking good for Yiddle here. Not only because something ended working out for me that I didnt think would, but also because I accepted the fact that the situation was not in my control so all I could do was pray to Hashem to make it work out and if it didnt I would still accept it. And Baruch Hashem it worked out!

Have a Great Shabbos everyone!

-Yiddle

Good Shabbos!!!