Hey, shmendrick, I have to believe that you can still become exactly what Hashem wants you to be right now. "could have becomea...." is irrelevant. Worse - it is poison. All I need to do is throw my burdens onto Him, trust that He has a good purpose for me, and move on.

Hope that made sense.

Love,

Dov

ifell. i cannot convey what i am feeling, but i would not wish it to anyone...i fell, and it wasnt wht my yeser hara promised would happen, what i fell for wasnt there at the end, sometime else was, a incredible array of negative and disrutive feelings about myself, my esteem, my emunah, tyhe extent of my devekus, my true value as a torah je (for wht i am to sit a bies midrash), i fell and i didnt need to, but i wanted to, i betrayed every yid in the world...
all i can do is pickmyself up, but it is a new story, for i fed the dog which is my yeser hara the greatest protien ever - my falure, it is now stronger and more furious... i need to pick myself up... i just cant (i know there no such word but my fall has blurred my head...this time 81 days is my first day of yeshiva, ill still be an addict...this time 74 days i fly out to the holy land...i said i would only kiss the sefer with my hand when im clean for two weeks, the feeling i didlast shabbos was immersurable, this monday i fil  need to hold a siddur and kiss it...i cant pick myslef iuo, i know i need to but the wieght is too great..

Jamie, I am so sorry to hear about your fall! you can lift yourself up! Hashem is  on your side, you did not betray anyone, you will only betray everyone if you don't pick yourself up and try again! I would still love to talk with you! keep going because I hope you realize that with team GYE on your side as well as Hashem not even the greatest SOCCER team can beat you!

Jamie: I wonder...
if you keyword-searched this site for "fell, shmell" (or is that "schmell"?), what would you find?

Basically, I think you'd read that each fall is a chance to "integrate" the lessons of the last clean streak. To gird up for the next round. To realize that it's not the ego-centered "me" that's victorious over s*x and lust and all that, but rather the kedusha-centered "You."

Think of a rubber band slingshot that has to be pulled down and backwards before it can release its energy upward and outward. Trying to push the stone out of the slingshop with an ever-forward motion is, I hate to say it, never gonna make it.

So, at the risk of being trite at a moment of your personal pain, I'll offer up:
1) fell, shmell. Who cares; keep going.
2) what could you LEARN from this round, and how can you REMEMBER it for the NEXT round?
3) do you see what a victory every single day is? Do you see how many more 'clean' days you've had in the past than you would have had before?
4) Check in with Hashem, then get back to work.

Sorry if this pep talk is either off-base or unnecessary. Sometimes I just feel as if I have to DO something or SAY something nice to another fellow aspire-er.

If I can add - Fell Shmell is also a way of fighting the yetzer hora's true goal - which is getting you exactly where you are right now. Down, depressed, feeling like you can't get up, like you can't kiss a sefer torah without feeling ashamed. Low.

That's the yetzer hora talking to you - he won once, don't let him win again - feel good about your victories, and move forward to ward more victories. Feel proud of how much progress you've made, you're one in a million!

And remember - 90 days is a specific milestone, but even after that, there will still be temptations - sometimes strong ones. And even before 90, each day that you get further away from acting out, you get a little more clarity. You get a little healthier.

ONE DAY AT A TIME.

And one more point - after we fall, we realize that the yetzer hora was lying. It stinks. But it's possible to remember that beforehand, too. Check out this post of mine: www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=1315.msg43785;topicseen#msg43785

Jamie,
Like the other guys have said, now's the time to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. The best way to fight this battle, especially right after a fall is by embracing kedushah. And as for the yeshivah idea, i've been thinking of that too (even though its still not 100% i'll go to yeshivah). but the way i look at it is what better place to walk through the gateway of 90 than eretz yisrael!!! But just as a note, at least from my experience, i wouldnt look too far into the future, as it can get you into trouble. Make sure to also pay attention to where you're going to reach day 7 or day 27 or day 57 etc. remember that 90 is the goal, but you can only get there after doing 90 day 1's!!!

Hatzlocha and keep your head up!

As everyone has said....Jamie we are with you, the fact you came straight back on to tell us and ask for help shows how much you want it.

As silent and the others have said, the yetzer horah won for that brief moment, now its trying to carry on by telling you how bad you are, how you let ppl down etc..... Dont listen answer back how amazing you are, how far you have come by knowing this problem and managing to stay clean for a time. You are doing amazingly, the fall is just showing you how much you are frustrating the yeatzer horah, he is trying everything. Keep strong man. The important thing when you get to yerusholayim is not how many day but the direction you are headed, which will be up up up. The crying you can do at the kosel that Hashem should help you get to 90 and well beyond will be amazing.....we are rooting for you man.


PS really sorry that i wasnt around for you when u messaged that u were in a bad place.....pls forgive me

thankyou so much all for your support...

3 falls in 2 days.

i fear im entering my old spiral.

i had an exam today and lost all concerntration because of my ways, my rabbi cheered me up praising me for the amazing 20 days, then he said now lets do 21. i came home, stepped into the ring my the YH and recieved a K.O.

3 falls...

i dont know what to do,  i need to go mikva, maybe ill go tommorow after my biology exam, will probably do alnighter revsiing because im far from ready, but this computer i will be working on is the one linked to my ravs, so not many problems...

day 0...

jamie wrote on 07 Jun 2010 17:54:

jamie wrote on 07 Jun 2010 17:54:

Well, sorry to be so simple about this, but I think you would know what to do if you weren't so bummed about all this. You're a smart guy: yeshiva, college, eved Hashem... you're already in the top 0.5% smartest guys in the world. So I think the guys here who have it right are the ones telling you to just "flip off" (forgive me) the Yetser and keep going. Simcha! Tamid!
Briut wrote on 06 Jun 2010 13:25:

thanks! have to stray up all night revising for bio for tommmorow so need to stay sobor

bruit... thanks for the kick up the @r$...

here we go...

Sorry to get a little off topic here (Go Jamie Go!) but Nevermore that's got to be one of the best posters I've ever seen!

Where did you find that?

jamie wrote on 07 Jun 2010 19:20:

Well, you're welcome. I think. Although I'm not sure what an @r$ is. Or what I just kicked up there. I hope it's not anything that constitutes a slip or a fall. I need a dictionary.

sorry, never realised, that must be british slang...thanks for the wake up call, the harsh love i need to stop the sulking and start the battling...!!!

kinda hoped today would mark 3 weeks but its time to forget, because this time three weeks, my last exam will be over a few hours a ago and with HBH and gye, i willl be 3 weaks closer to shamayim, and 7 away from yeshiva!!!!

Sorry to be so hidden in my sarcasm. Yes, getting a kick up the --- is the same on both sides of the Pond. We sometimes call it KITA, pronounced KEE-tuh, standing for kick in the ---. (Would you Brits say KUTA??)

And while the entire spelled-out term is rarely used in polite company, the term KITA is often used in business settings, e.g. for some news event that acts as a wake-up call to the corporate planners. As in, BP's mistakes were a real KITA to the White House's environmental plans.

I guess I'm gonna have to start using those smileys....