Hey guys,
I'm Ano, and I'm an addict. I'm not REALLY new here, but I haven't been posting all that much lately, and I figured it would be a good time to start a new thread. I have so much to say, but as usually happens, I'll probably forget most of it while I'm writing this.
I came to this site on November 20th of 2008, and guard put up the wall of honor forum as a kind of welcome. I couldn't let him down, and I somehow made it to about 7 months before I fell. I never totally gave up, but I have been getting worse since that time (although never as bad as I was to start, B"H). I've kinda partnered up with NOYA who I identified on the forum as someone I know in real life, and he's been a great help. Being able to talk openly about my issues with someone who really knows what it's like and will not judge is a great thing. I find that I'm making consistently getting better at recognizing when my mind is fooling me. For example, there is a fine line for me between learning from another addict and judging that addict in order to make myself feel like less of an addict. This is probably not unique to me though; I'm sure most of you reading this have done this at some point (or are still doing it). I'm learning to just do the best that I can, and not worry about the results too much. When things turn out well, I can be happy, but I cannot take any credit for it. When things don't go well, I can feel bad, but I can't let it pull me further down.
As far as practical ideas go, I've found that instead of making a neder not to act out (which, once broken, does me no good), I can make a neder to give some large amount of money to tzedakah. That way, I know that if I act out, I haven't broken my neder, but I will need to part with the money (which I don't like the thought of). The amount has to be large enough that I won't want to act out, but not so large that I will go into denial mode after acting out, which would be disastrous (denial mode means pretending I didn't do it, because I can't admit to myself and others that I have decided not to give the money I promised to give, or simply lying and saying I gave the money, or any number of other paths of deceit). I was clean last week, then (stupidly) neglected to renew the neder for this week, so I acted out on Sunday night. This time I'll make sure to renew the neder before the old one expires. I'd love to get back to the level I was at before, but I'm listening to Dov and not focusing much on the actual counting. Instead I need to focus on being a healthy balanced person, and the rest will come by itself (I can be optimistic, right?). If you're still reading this, I'm very impressed with you, so give yourself a pat on the back!
Ano

Welcome (back) Ano,

Havent heard from you in a while....

-Yiddle

Welcome back, bro!

As I always say when people talk about nedarim, that's something you've gotta be careful with. If it works for you and keeps you clean, great. But if it's not helping, then let it go. especially if it's hurting you seriously financially, especially if your;'e responsible for supporting your family - because now your family is paying even more for your fall!

But also, because for some people, we can feel like we've paid off our fall. So now we don't have to feel bad.

but if it works for you, that's great!

Glad to hear that you're back, and one day at a time, working on staying clean!

SB,
You met me, remember? I don't have a family to support :D
And if it's hurting, I'd let it go. I specifically said I won't make nedarim not to do it. But I think a financial neder is more practical for me, and if it helps give me an incentive to stay clean (which it does, because I like keeping my money) then why not?

Hey Ano! I missed your new thread at its inception, but am here now to give you a hearty welcome back! I want to see more posts! Or at least more talking with me. .


Let's get cooking!

Hey Ano,

tischadesh on the new thread.
hope you continue finding ways that work for you to stay clean and may we all learn from each other!

Thanks for all the posts guys!
So I got another week in, which means I've (only?) acted out once in two weeks. I renewed my neder in time this time around, so I hope I'll have two weeks before I know it. I've done this already so I kinda know how it works, and the beginning is really difficult. One day at a time, yada yada yada.
Anyway, I have a question to ask you guys.
I was playing some ball on Friday, and I noticed something that irritated me. When the wives of some of the guys I was playing with came and sat down to watch, I automatically switched into a different mode. I realize logically that a normal woman or girl is not going to be lusting after me at all, even if she sees that I'm a nice guy, a smart guy, an athletic guy, or exhibit any other good trait. So why is it that I constantly fight myself when I'm in front of a female? The normal side of me tells me to be normal, and the INSANE side of me tries to make me stand out and look cool, athletic, smart, or whatever. I just wish I could shut that side of me OFF completely and not need to be like this. I just want to be the same person at all times, and not switch between different modes like a schizophrenic. And yes, I did play better while they were watching.

Dear Ano,

Happy for you that you're still clean.

First of all, just so you know, schizophrenics do not really switch between different modes. That would be called multiple personality disorder. Though a lot of mental diseases have symptoms that seem to be switching modes all the time. Either way, I do think it's worth while to understand and hold on to the fact that you are the same person at all times.

This "insane" side of you is quite normal. For men to act in a certain way in front of women is very normal and natural. Hey, not only do we humans do it, but so does the entire animal kingdom and other living things as well! I mean, you are of the reproducing age and these women are too. B"H, we are human and created on a different level by HKB"H, so we can control this, i.e. not act on it. Feelings can be quite a nuisance at times, but I don't have to give into them. ("Let go to a higher power," etc...) Ano, not to freak you out at all, but I at times feel that way in front of other guys, so how's that for insane? (oops, not politically correct!)

And yes, you play better, so at least enjoy that!

Yep, normal - but you're aware of it, and you're working on it.

And yes, I know that you don't have a family to support - I was saying in general - that for you it might be good, but others reading it should be aware of the dangers.

Ano Nymous wrote on 16 May 2010 08:14:


i think that is natural, i do the same thing, nothing you can do about it! i wish i could change it too but i can't thankfully most of the time i don't have girls watching!

Ano Nymous wrote on 13 May 2010 05:41:


I liked this. Check today's Chizuk e-mail  :D

The thoughts are relentless. They give me no rest.
Why have I this struggle? Why have I this test?
A master blueprint, a master plan.
So far beyond the thoughts of man.
For this I am here, and I will do it well;
Never mind heaven, and never mind hell.
Alone I am helpless, for this is beyond man.
But the one who fashioned it, with Him, I can.

I am going to be ok. :D

Well you look good, doing fine. Just keep on, cos there are a lot of mitzvas to do out there. Did I just say that to you or to myself, hm?

Did you make that up? That's fantastic!

Yup, all by myself :D