Busy day, but stayed clean. I'm tired, but at least I can be happy for my victory today!
Good Shabbos!

Dear chaver "oneday",

If you are doing all this alone, you will not do any better than you are now. It is that simple. Find another real human person to meet with and talk about this stuff with. Not a rebbi or tzaddik, but a sick addict like me - who is trying to be sober today.

As long as all this "struggle" stuff is only online it may be just silly....for you, at least. For some it works just fine. But that means nothing, cuz for you - is it working?

If it is not, then please, please quit playing around with the forum - it i snot enough for you. You need something more real, if you are going to make real progress in a real life. And you are probably not alone! Others have discovered this same thing and there are some who are getting together and having meetings, sharing phone calls with each other daily. And it helps them.

Find real friends, people you meet face to face who are serious about living without lying, masturbating, and wasting away in fantasy. And stay in touch with these people by phone
or in person on a daily basis.

Do not give up on yourself. But what you really need might not be something you really like. Sorry. Posting is cute. You can never go wrong - after all, if you fail, what does it really matter? Sure I care, others care....but then what? Guys come and guys go here...eventually they are basically forgotten. Do you think you will still be posting like you are now, "feel again..."in five years? In ten years? In twenty? I doubt it. Eventually you will get sick of it a split as so many others have.

Do you want to be a statistic?

Do you just want to be heard? Understood? Fine, we hear you and understand you - cuz we are you....now what? Are you getting better?

What do you want?

The comfort of hiding behind a username in a virtual relationship may not get you anything you really want, chaver.

Go for it. But really.

With respect and love,

Dov

AHHHH Dov your advice is probably what I need to hear, but I just don't want to. The whole friends thing is kinda hard when most of my friends don't care about this stuff. Sadly, they do it. I don't know. they don't talk to me about it as I am the "more religious one", but so much for that. I just want to take a step back and try to forget about this stupid mess. Fences are set up. I believe a lot of triggers are gone, and I have plenty of stuff to do in case of boredom.
Day 1 of 90. Today.
Hatzlacha to all

I have been completely misunderstood here.

First, let me say that I am only posting the following to you because I have read your entire thread here from the start. If you understand my previous post, please consider this:

There would be no value at all for you to reveal your problems with lust and masturbation to any of your normal friends. I never meant that at all. If you are correct that they would not really relate to you in a helpful way, then I agree with you 100%. And actually, I never intended that. I do not think that any normal people can undeerstand what recovery is about for a person like me, who is a loser at the battle of lust. I am a loser at it - because I tried everything I could and did not stop. That means I lost, right?

And it makes my life unmanageable, as I can describe if you have about a half an hour to listen to the wreckage I caused on my mind, my home, my job...oh, and my yiddishkeit? Well, that was practically a total loss, as you can perhaps imagine. I acted out for about twenty years - about half (and the worst) after marriage.

I am still a loser at the battle of lust and it still makes my life unmanageable and unlivable.....if I use it. So Hashem helps me so that I do not need to use lust and act out. Before, I needed to. I was going to act out eventually, no shayloh. Not today.

And getting on the same page with other guys who are not interested in quitting or do not see it as a desperate problem...what good would that have done me?

I suggested to you that you are OK with the forum thing not because it is just anonymous - but because it is just virtual! The fact that there is no real shame on the forum if you flop, is not the point. The issue is that it is simply not real. It is just not real - these are not real people, so I suggested that maybe - just maybe - you are still messing around regularly no matter how much chizzuk you get here because you are not attaching anything that is going on here to yourself in a way that really matters to you. It's just another game - just like porn on the internet: Why do we do it so readily? Aren't we religious, as you described yourself? Elloh what - it's just virtual images - not real - it's not real sex - it's not really reality at all: it's just virtual!

How is virtual chizzuk going to be taken any more seriously by you than you take the seriousness of the virtual schmutz?

I meant that it may be time for you to meet with and make friends with some other recovering chronic porn users and masturbators like yourself. Those are the only people I have ever found understanding and help from. The rabonim and shrinks pointed me in that direction and gave me direction in how to interpret and use what these recovering sick people taught me.

And now I - as one of the recovering perverts - am passing it on to you. Do you want it, or not?

I use to talk with a member my age, but he no longer uses the computer as much so we don't chat anymore. Dov, I see what you are saying, but I do believe the chizuk helps me. Yes, the days I usually don't post is because I am embarrassed of another fall. I am embarrassed that after all your long posts to help me, I go back and fall again believe it or not. One day at a time I am going to have to take it.

Boruch Hashem I was able to keep busy tonight and was able to stay clean. I will have limited internet as I will be out of town the next 3 days which should hopefully give me a little boost in staying clean those days!

You are not hearing a thing I am posting to you. Nowhere did I say "do not get chizzuk". You are not addressing your problem, just some of the symptoms.

Good luck. 

Hi OneDay

I'm going to try take Dov's huge amount of wisdom that he's posted here and pull out the main idea:
There's a difference between the actual acting out and wanting to act out.

What I think is happening with you is that when you are busy or away, you don't have time to act out and that prevents you from doing so, but you can't keep on living that way.
You're relying on external events for your happiness and success.

The ultimate goal here is to no longer want to act out.
Wouldn't it be better if you got home and just didn't feel like doing it anymore?

The key is to find the things that make you want to act out and work on them.
For each person that means different things. We all have different triggers and strategies.

Being clean long term is all about having opportunity to fall but choosing not to.
We’re here to try help you find what works for you.

I don't think I am getting this... I am supposed to not want to fall and not rely on other stuff. Is that it? lol
Just a quick story.
When I was away, one night I started feeling down and I had unblocked internet and it all was just a few quick clicks away. I kept on telling myself "not here not now" and that is what I did until I went to sleep. I think I see what you guys are saying. It has to be within me to win this battle not just taking my laptop and breaking it!

Anyways I've been clean for 4 days and I am currently working on day 5!

beautiful story, beautiful progress!
keep up the good work

oneday wrote on 02 Mar 2011 15:53:


You DO seem to be getting it after all!


"Not here, not now. I don't need THIS."

oneday wrote on 02 Mar 2011 15:53:


Awesome Job.  This just goes to show the inner fortitude that you have built up inside of you.  Keep On trucking!!!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

That's great news, well done.
I really appreciate your feedback.
I think you are starting to get it.

You can choose your thoughts. Sometimes bad ones pop into our heads, but we can choose to think about something else, something positive.
Our thoughts lead to our feelings and actions.
The more you think about it, the more you believe it, the more you feel it, the more you'll want to do it.

Most people believe that you can't choose your feelings and many of those people act out based on those feelings.
E.g. Some people get angry easily and believe it's okay to hurt people or break things when they're angry. They basically loose all control and justify it by saying "I was angry at the time".
Some people get turned on easily and this feeling stays with them until they act it out.
These same people, in the same situation but standing in front of someone they deeply respect e.g. their boss / rabbi would never act out like that. They have set limits saying in their subconscious "I will not behave that way infront of these people."

You can choose what to think about. Have you tried the three second rule?
It works great for me, especially when I start getting tempted.

You can set limits for yourself - You can say out loud "I would never do X infront of my rabbi, I respect myself enough to not do it at all"

Do these things make sense to you? There is a big age difference between us and I can't see your expressions, so I'm not sure if what I'm saying is coming across well.

Have a good Shabbos.

ToAdd

So I had a fall tonight when I was feeling a little down and didn't really care.
Sometimes I extremely motivated to be clean and the y'h just backs off. Sometimes I just don't really care either way and the y'h takes advantage. Sadly I don't know if I want to 100% break free. Deep down I know I want to, but I am starting to feel I want it to come magically without doing anything about it.
I'm going to try the 3 second rule b'ezras hashem and hopefully I can continue to post about success!
Last week I fell a total of 3 times! The tables are turning my friends! Slowly but surely I am seeing the improvement in myself and all your chizzuk is greatly appreciated!

The more you think about the yetzer Hora - even to fight it - the worse off I think you will probably be. This is poshut.

Where's the "I can't take this anymore!  My life's unmanageable"?  Bottoming out and all that stuff.