Thanks for the comment!

Today, I wasn't feeling so good (sick). By the time I started feeling a little better I had to go study for a Gemara test tomorrow. No real attempts by the y'h today, but for all intents and purposes I was clean today!

One more time, just cuz you are making me seasick:

dov wrote on 30 Dec 2010 22:13:


Why are you still feeding your addiction, at all?

I am seasick too!
I don't even know what I am doing anymore if you ask me.
I managed to stay clean today, but I feel like being clean today won't make me clean tomorrow.
I am losing focus on one day at a time!

I can remember being your age
School was filled with triggers, especially the classes I always ended up in.

The only victories I had then was when I was doing kung-fu and told myself "Not on a Tuesday or Thursday, I need the energy for kung-fu"
Having a motivator really helped.

The only way to beat this is to want to stop.

The problem with us is that there's a big part of us that doesn't want to stop.
We need to stop empowering that part of us and feed our good side instead
Find an area where you can win, one day, one hour of the day, whatever, and focus on that. That will take power away from your Y"H and give it back to your Neshama.

Thanks for the words toadd! When I got home tonight I read them and gave me chizuk to get through that moment.
Usually when I first get home is when I will or won't fall and whether or not I will be clean for the day.

Today was one of those clean days!
Thinking of 90 days is too much so I decided I want to give myself little missions. The other night I started Operationg Next Wednesday. The goal is to make it to next wednesday clean. I was thinking, and maybe until wednesday is a little long so I am now changing to Operation Super Bowl. Hopefully I can make it until the super bowl and be clean from when I started the mission.
I get more encouraged when I see I am 2/6 of the way done of the current goal then 2/90. I know I should worry day by day, but that seems so little!

Yes it seems very strange, but I have tried many different methods and nothing has seemed to work, so what the heck here goes my new plan!

I found that the problem for me actually started before that moment - on the way home I was already thinking negative things, going through in my mind things I had seen that day and when I got to the pc, I would  look to find something similar on the net to take that vision to the next step.
I'm not sure if it's the same for you?

I found it really helps to stop it at that early phase, and the best way to do that was for me to have something else I could focus on, preferably something away from the computer. Pick a hobby.
I enjoyed building - lego / model planes. When bad thoughts come up, I can visualise a great building I'm going to make instead. Giving the mind something else to think about replaces the negative thoughts without any real struggling.

Think of the great football players (when they were your age) - do you think that the first thing they did when they get home is sit infront of a computer, or did they spend the whole trip home thinking about getting to a ball?

Great architects probably visioned structures on their way home and could not wait to get their hands on a few blocks.

You said that when you're busy it's much easier for you - perhaps you should make it a mission to find something that you really enjoy, that can keep you busy for a few minutes when you get home.

All you have to do is distract yourself at the difficult moments, then suddenly you will realise that moments become days and days become weeks.

Well didn't go on the computer until 10:20 at night and stayed clean. Away from comp=clean!

KOT

B

"It's not about getting hit, but it's how many times you can get hit and get up and keep going"

oneday wrote on 11 Feb 2011 05:14:

Not for me. I'll pass on the self-mutilation, thanks.

For me it's mainly about when I finally get tired of getting slapped around so that I finally take that little step to the side and get out of it's way.

That's called "giving up the fight completely". That's sobriety.

Thanks.

dov wrote on 11 Feb 2011 12:28:

How do you do that? I don't want to have this 'fight' daily, I just don't see how I can just 'quit'!
Thanks

I was very happy today and I was clean. I think the key to avoiding the y'h is being happy and being busy which I was tonight!

Those are the two biggest keys.

oneday wrote on 14 Feb 2011 23:47:
If you are anything like me and other addicts I know, you will not quit till you have had enough porn, masturbation and fantasy. If that sounds like a heter to keep acting out, you have missed me, completely. I am basing it all on the fact that no matter what the Torah says, the truth is that you and I can act out. And our track record tells us that we will keep using this drug, as long as we feel inside that we can get away with it. And also that, for addicts, our sickness always progresses - it never gets better with 'time'.

So it's not about right and wrong, after all. It's about the uncomfortable and ugly truth. I am sick and cannot fix myself - and I cannot afford to keep using lust because it has turned on me and become part of the problem.

[Funny, but many of us get really convinced somewhere along the way - often by our take on s'forim that tell us about the seriousness of the aveiro - that our entire problem [i]is [/i]the P&M! And naturally, we fantasize that if we'd just figure out how to stop 'doing it', then everything would be just fine....then we quit for a while and all wonder why we keep going back to it. Why, why, why!? Hmmm.

AA discovered a long time ago that addicts will eventually drink again if they remain uncomfortable enough with life and living. If it's boring enough, unfair enough, scary enough, painful enough, we are toast. That's why they discovered that if they worked an honest 4th step, did something about it in steps 5-7, cleared away the wreckage of their past by working steps 8 and 9 and stayed with Gott und mentchen by working steps 11 and 10...they'd never have to drink again. Freedom! Without that, they found that they were doomed. Read AA or SA, it's all in there plain and simple. But I digress...]

So the only issue really is, can we still afford to do it, or not? If we can't, then we really need a lot of help to live right in the rest of our lives - on the inside - so that we will not have to act out any more. If we feel that we can afford to keep doing it ("Hey, what will really happen if I do, anyway?") then all the help in the world isn't worth much, is it?

That having been said, it really could be that you are not an addict, at all, "one day".  If this stuff is just a bad habit that you need to take more serious measures to get away from and that works for you, then gezunderheit!

But if you are not really taking those measures, then I'd say it just shows that you don't really care that much about this problem, after all. No criticism of you at all, here. Some people love to whine and just need to have something to add drama to their lives.

Nu. One way or another the truth will eventually become clear to you. Not much to worry about, really.

Love,

Dov

Thanks for the response Dov! I don't know anymore. I am so confused to tell you the truth. Am I addicted? maybe Is it a bad habit that has to do with my age? maybe. I just don't know anymore. I don't even want to think about this whole being clean game anymore. I just want to live my life already and focus on getting myself to the grades I want and something I have been worrying about (because I am that messed up) getting a wife while doing this crap. Whatever, this week has been a struggle, in the real world. I fell yesterday and today once each, but I was able to avoid it for some time and didn't let myself think 'well I fell once today, one more won't matter'. These small wins add a little fuel to help me keep going, but I don't want to keep going anymore. I just want to quit and live my life the 'normal' way. Enjoy my friends, do well in school, but no this stupid lust comes to ruin it. All I am doing with lust is screwing myself up in this world and the world to come. I just don't want to continue anymore this battle.... why isn't there a cop out button? Sometimes I just want to take my laptop and crush it and never use the internet again, but luckily for me I need it for school and my business (which boruch Hashem has started to pick up again). Sorry for the long rant, but I just feel that enough is enough already. Maybe next time I have the stupid urge, I will come back and read this and realize what I am doing and bezras hashem be able to pass the test.
Right Now; 11:23 P.M. on 2/16/11 I am hopefully starting a new chapter in my life. No more excuses. No more nothing. Simcha will bring me where I need to be.