It has been tough.
I found a way to get around k9 and you all know what that means.
What I haven't done in these last couple of days is go and block the other way.
I am no longer pushing it off... I'm going to hopefully get this fixed and back on the right path asap!

oneday wrote on 29 Dec 2010 04:42:


what dov says...a person can have all the precautions in the world, but if he doesn't want it enough none of it will help.

dude, yeah, fix the filter thing. but fix ur attitude too, maybe? i mean u have an awesome attitude in general, i'm talking about ur attitude towards this addiction.

if u really are serious about helping urself, maybe now is a time to read through the attitude handbook again?

you have to want this. not just dream of 'the day you are clean for 90 days' you have to WANT to live a clean and sober life. so so badly, that as the saying i love goes 'even if my butt falls off i ain't falling'. falling's not a joke, dude. not that u think it is, but i just tell myself that sometimes when im feeling down about it all. falling's not a joke. it's f-ked up and it's wrong . and it messes us up and ruins our lives.

cmon, up and at it, bro.

Thanks for the reply!
I was feeling a little weak, but now I feel strengthened again to keep fighting today and be clean for today!

We are going to win this battle and I know it!

Yes! It is now blocked!
I'm now ready to start the battle again not worried about how easy it was to get to. Now off to the races with some positive days!

Dear 'oneday',

First, a confession. I have been using a regular internet News service daily for 'staying in the loop'. Instead, I noticed that I check out the stories until I discover something that is lust-oriented. I do not check into the story, just see it and quit checking the news altogether. I thought I was being a good boy, quitting when I discover triggering stuff, no?

Not.

I realized that I have been 'checking the news' a bit too often, obsessively...so I realized that I am really compulsively looking for the one dirty 'pay-off' story! That's why I quit after I see it! Not because "Oh, I can't see that," but because I got my fix!! So I ask for Hashem's help, and yours, to keep my decision to have fun and learn about the news without using that website today. That's it. Thanks.

Now to your post: 

One day, I admitted to myself that filters are just a silly game if they are there to be tested. Even if they withstand the test. Eventually they will fail (and then we will) or you'll find a computer that doesn't have one and use it...eventually.

That's obvious. So cut the crap.

Use the filtered computer that you have right now, as a Growing-Up Zone, getting used to using the internet w/o testing the filter, w/o trying to look up anything for entertainment on the internet, and for staying clean and calm on the computer. Or off it. One day at a time.

Yesterday was great. It was a success. I was real busy and didn't really let myself slip into the same traps as the y'h always does to me.

Today wasn't as great. Had A LOT of time and the y'h took advantage. oh well. I'm ready to move on though!

It's Rosh Chodesh tonight. We are starting a new cycle, and hopefully I am starting a new cycle of doing what is right!

Hi Oneday

I think it's great that you are so persistent.

Is it possible you are falling so often because you are trying to fight a battle that you can't actually win at this stage?
Like playing a game of chess and you're focused on total victory by directly attacking the king, but you opponent can see that from a mile off and is just taking all your pieces every time you attack. Each piece you lose weakens both your attack and your defence.

Is there a small area where you can win?
E.g. Is there one day a week that isn't too difficult, or maybe a time of day e.g. staying off from 7-8pm?

Set up a fence, some safe territory, and guard it with everything you have. Even if it's half an hour a day - make that time sacred.
Then, when you are defending that area well for a few days or a week, move up a bit, increase that area.

What I want to see you post is: I did it! For 8 days I have been clean between 7 and 8pm.

I don't think there's a single person that can keep himself busy 24x7. That may be a great tool, but it's not always available to us.

ToAdd wrote on 06 Jan 2011 07:45:

Thanks! Always good when someone gives me some direct advice to help me!

Today, not much time to fall as Shabbos starts soon, but glad that I am finishing the week strong with being clean today!

Have a good Shabbos!

Been gone for to long and it kept on getting worst and worst. The y'h kept on pushing me further away from recovery and even this site! I never really felt not wanting to come to gye, so I hope this means that the y'h is making a last ditch effort before he gives up on me (although we all know that's not likely, but maybe be easier)!

Today was a more moral victory than clean day. I was viewing stuff I shouldn't have, but miraculously stopped before and schivas zera. After so many consecutive days it feels good knowing I got through a day without shichvas zera. Before I can run, I must learn how to walk and today I think I might have started to walk. Hopefully I can be free of all and run!

That was a good victory, well done.

Still struggling, but I know I can do t!

Finally! A clean day. No slip, no fall.
When I got home, I watched a show where someone was stranded for 20 days in the middle of the Grand Canyon. On the 20th day it looked like she was going to die, but was found and saved. It occurred to me that every day I keep pushing off the start I am getting deeper and deeper in and rescue/living is getting farther and farther. When I had a thought to fall, Boruch Hashem I quickly pushed it away with this thought!

Have a good Shabbos!

Sounds good - have a great shabbos!

Friday was good. Yesterday and today... not as much.
Weekends are always hard for me as I have a lot more time than the week.
Monday is tomorrow and I am ready to where I left off on friday!

Gevald!
chazak!

You're not alone in this struggle. We are in the same boat (same situation). But as Rabbi Nachman of Breslov sad, ''the whole world is a small bridge, the most important thing is never fear'' (and never give up!)
Lo l'itaesh, assur l'itsaesh