oneday wrote on 08 Sep 2010 03:36:
Thanks for the words Dov. I think that although from your perspective it might look bad to do the day thing it works unless I fall. It helps me hold back from that first fall, but after that it becomes free fall. There have been many times where I just wanted to do it, but this 'game' to get to 90 gave me that extra strength.
For now... I'm going to continue the 'game'. In a few weeks if I STILL am not making much progress I will come up with a new approach. Recently, I have been more successful and hopefully I can continue that!
Well, all I can say is good for you that you are sticking to your guns! Alei vHatzlach!
I think the problem is, I don't have an emergency plan! I would appreciate if anyone had any ideas!
Now yer talking! A few suggestions based solely on what works for me and others I know:
1-
Am I more ashamed of the truth about myself than I am of messing up? Or am I really ready to get the help I really need to give it up? What is more important to me: holding onto my shame and pride - or my sobriety? So....
Having a few understanding and safe people to call when I feel a temptation is essential. I have a list of about 30. They are all in serious recovery and I can call someone any time and just say something like, "I was sober as heck 5 minutes ago, and just finished giving a chaburah on hilchos Shabbos.......and yet right now, after seeing a very beautiful woman at the supermarket, it brought back memories for me and
all I really want to do right now is go to a porn website as soon as I get home, and masturbate a few times." And they will not spend a second trying to convince me to stop! Cuz they know that'd be silly - they can't keep
themselves sober, so how would they have the power to keep
me sober?! They know they are sober because they have recruited G-d's help to surrender their right to lust, use fantasy, and act on it. And they know that being open and honest about it is the key that opens that door. We might daven together, or separately, or just talk till I get back to reality. Then we might end up laughing hard at how crazy we can get! This has happened to me dozens of times, be"H, and it is wonderful.
We are only as sick as our secrets.
2- Talking to Hashem about exactly what I feel like doing is essential. Am I even too ashamed to be honest before
Him? True, it is not nearly as powerful as being open with a person, but if I am not open with Him, what hope is there that any of my t'fillos are going to be sincere and really '
me'? Zero, I think. So I talk to Him freely and fully, all day long.
It used to be that if you saw a guy walking in the street and yakking loudly, you knew he was cracked. But in the age of bluetooth, we can
all walk around anywhere schmoozing with our Best Eternal Friend with no concern of a chillul Hashem, or any shame at all! Ha! (Within bounds of reason, of course...)
3- My life in recovery boils down to one thing: Practicing focusing on living a really
useful and fun life, rather than living locked in a wrestling embrace with lust - even l'Shem Shomayim!
Fighting it all the time is almost as stupid a derech as giving-in to it is! Really. It is not a '
life' - just something that looks a lot like 'living'. For me it was a very insane - but frum - life....and slowly dying (and torture for my poor wife and kids). Hashem has no better way for us? The misery we all know, living in that hopeless torturous cycle...is
that the best Hashem has to offer His beloved child?
Giving the entire mess to Hashem to save me from it rather than keeping it (to 'win'), is the derech I was m'kabel from my sponsor and recovery buddies. Learning how to admit squarely in the mirror and to another person that I am not normal nor healthy, but abnormal and subject to lusting, lying, and losing control of myself - once I take the first little drink.
And that I do not naturally possess the power to stay away from even the
first drink. Then giving my life -
not just my lust issue, but my entire life for that day - to Hashem as best I can for today. And then going out and living!
Neither lust - nor the struggle against it - deserve real estate in my brain! That tangled obsession has twisted me up enough already! And paradoxically, the way to make that happen is by admitting the full truth about myself and keeping that awareness. It works for me.
.....You asked. Hatzlocha!
Gmar Chasima Tova! :-*
