Well done, Bruce!  What happened to you might not even be considered a slip, so there's no need to be overly concerned.  Had you looked a third time - after knowing full well that it was inappropriate - that would be a slip, in my opinion.

Thursday was 19.
If I make it through Shabbos that's three weeks!

Tremendous - keep building on your success!

A wonderful Shabbos to all.

Good thing Shabbos is here because I was starting to slip, in a pretty bad way.

This might sound like a dumb question, but what exactly counts as "improper sites" and "erotica" (as per the rules)?
Genuine pornography (nudity, etc.) or even "milder" things, like what you see on any TV commercial (such as "minimal clothing", but still clothed)?
Dumb question, but I've always been a stickler for details.

And don't worry; I'm not looking for loopholes!

I updated your chart to 19. Mazal Tov on passing Level 3!

Remember, there's no such thing as "starting to slip, in a pretty bad way"... You said that when you are HELLBENT on something, you will SUCCEED.

As for your question: It's not the amount of clothes, it's the intention that counts. As per the rules here, intentionally going to a site that you know will trigger you is a fall, regardless if it's full nudity or partial. The same for intentionally going to a channel on TV that you know will trigger you. But if it wasn't intentional and it just came on the screen, so even if you had to struggle a few seconds before turning away or changing the channel, that is not a fall.

Got it.

20.

Gentlemen,

I made it to three weeks. I made it through Saturday night.

But.....

Early Sunday morning I had a fall. I am writing this with tears in my eyes...I am so frustrated....what happened to "Mr. Hellbent"? What happened to my strength? WHAT HAPPENED!!?!????????
It seems that "Mr. Hellbent"--the same guy who never fails at something he sets his mind to--has finally met his match. That, or he didn't really have his mind in it in the first place.

Tomorrow I will print out the handbooks. I don't care if having a hardcopy means someone might find it. Would someone be embarrassed if a friend found his life saving medicine lying around? Or a Tanach? A Shas? This is my medicine and my bible. I will print it out and read some of it every night before going to sleep, even if it is only two lines. AND I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT IT. It is not enough for me to count days anymore. Summarizing what I read will be a higher level of accountability. I ask that someone get on my case if I go more than 24 hours without a summary.

I will also install a filter. Now. WHY DIDN'T I DO IT BEFORE? I don't know. It makes no sense. But this is a battle of deception from beginning to bitter end, so there's really no room for logic. There's a necessity for deceit and cunning. It goes both ways.
GUARD....I want you, if you can and if you are willing (as you mentioned in your first post to me here rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=503.0), to hold the password for me. Please.

Installed.
Only problem is I know the password, so how do I change it and get it to you? I didn't think about that. I just wanted a filter installed ASAP.

And now I will go cry myself to sleep while trying to comfort myself with the fact that I made three weeks of good progress.

So what counts as day one? Sunday or Monday? I fell around 1 AM Sunday, but I haven't even gone to sleep yet and it's almost 4. So, does day one start when I wake up, and I'll call day one from when I get up today to when I go to sleep, or do I start counting Monday?
Technicalities.

Hi Bruce,

If you had to fall just to admit that you've finally met your match, it may have been worth it  ... This addiction is a humbling experience, and that is what Hashem WANTS it to be. He wants us to know that without him we can't do it. Why don't you join Duvid Chaim's noon-time call, Monday - Thursday and learn the techniques that have save millions from addiction?

To use the filter right, follow the instructions on this page.

The 90 days can start Sunday morning.

Your three weeks clean will go onto your "Cumulative" count on the chart. You haven't lost them. They are yours forever.

Don't cry yourself to sleep, just use the fall to get even more honest with yourself about the nature of this addiction. By learning how it got you and making better fences (like you are indeed doing), you are using the fall in the proper way! This is something to rejoice over, not feel down.

Bruce,

Keep in mind a couple of things:

1.) You have a lot of people rooting for you - which should serve as a great source of encouragement.

2.) Before the fact, you should avoid a fall at all costs.  But, after the fact, you should use the fall to your advantage.  For example, installing a filter, as you have done (just make sure to work out the password protection issue).  Also, you can set up other Gedarim.  For example, do you really need to go online on Motzei Shabbos, especially when Shabbos ends so late?  Perhaps consider avoiding that, at least for a while.

3.) If you are using the fall to your advantage, as in #2 above, that should help mitigate your feelings of guilt.  Guilt has its place, but only if it helps you grow, not if it causes you to fall further, c"v.

Bracha v'Hatzlacha!

OK Guard.
I have changed the password in my K9 filter and set it to email you. I also downloaded that sharepc program.
Monday will be day one....
I don't plan on having another "day one".

Ok, I validated my e-mail address. That's a big step in the right direction!

Your determination and honesty is refreshing Brucy!

Gentlemen,

I haven't been doing well since that fall. It's been four days since I posted here--long enough for my thread to be moved to page 2. During that time I've been pretty down and I started slipping back to my old ways. I even fell a few more times. Even with the K9 filter (I know a way around it...). But those subsequent falls.....they are perhaps the worst ever. I don't want to get into the details but I somehow managed to come across things that even I have never seen before. I didn't think that was possible. Those falls were a painful reminder of why I resolved to quit all that in the first place. I went out tonight on an errand and started looking around the way I used to...not seeing people but things....which ones "pass"? Which don't?

I haven't been productive during this time and I've been a bit depressed. To make things worse, I just found out that a holy Jew who made aliyah a while back and who is a dear friend to my home city (yes, the WHOLE city) was savagely attacked by arabs at a bus stop last Friday and is in very critical condition at Bikur Cholim in Jerusalem. Maybe some of you have heard of it. Maybe you could even figure out who I am if you know who he is. I don't care. I trust you guys.

I know this isn't a Tehillim forum or anything of the sort but I would appreciate it if some of you wouldn't mind taking a minute to daven on his behalf. His name is Chaim ben Breina.

Somehow I can't shake the idea that I am somehow responsible for it in some sort of metaphysical way, even though I didn't fall till Sat. night.

I've been "regrouping" during this time, even though I fell a few times along the way. I began reading the attitude handbook, and one idea that hit me hard was the concept that we cannot overcome this with willpower alone. I've always been able to overcome anything with willpower. So I've met my match. I need to use a different approach.

I want tomorrow to be the start of my new climb to 90. I want it to be in Chaim's merit, even though I'm so steeped in sin that I'm practically drowning in it.

Here's to Chaim.

BruceWayne wrote on 10 Jul 2009 04:09:


Hi Bruce

I relate to what's going through your mind now.  Four years ago was a summer of tragedy in the UK, an English Bochur was stabbed to death in the Old City, and two Bochurim were killed in a car crash in Yeshiva Camp.  One of these boys is my first cousin who I was very fond of.  The day my cousin was killed was the same day I had slipped after being clean for a few weeks, and I could not get rid of the feelings of guilt, that somehow I too was responsible, that perhaps G-d was sending me a message.  I shared it with a member of SA and he asked me directly if I feel responsible and I could not answer him and changed the conversation.

Today I realise that all this flawed thinking is my addiction talking, reiterating the negative self image that I have of myself, "see what a disgusting person I am, look what I have caused", all this is doing is setting myself up for failure as I will act out on the guilt as I cannot bare the feeling.  Today I know that this is absolutely not the case.  I do not believe that Hashem is taking retribution in such a way, Hashem is not some angry avenger.  The reasons why there is all this suffering is far beyond my scope.  Today I realise that Hashem loves me and is there for me even in my darkest days and is waiting for me to call on Him for His help.  I cannot get sober for my cousin, I can only get sober for myself!

I also relate to what you write how this fall has perhaps been the worst ever.  This addiction is insanity, and only gets progressively worse as I need to maintain the highs I look for more and more depraved images etc.  Fast days for me are particularly difficult, and yesterday I had the temptation to surf and masturbate, BH I was able to play the tape forward, my addiction always promises me glamour and excitement but only gives guilt, shame, and self loathing, I always expect that this time when I act out it will be different this image is what I am looking for that will fix me - it's all one big illusion, after I told this to myself, and prayed sincerely to Hashem that he remove the desire the craving subsided.  Next time you get tempted try play the tape forward, try and sit through the craving, they will not kill you, get up go for a walk call someone and it will pass and you will not die from not acting out.  I attend an early morning sobriety renewal call in the UK where we answer a set of questions, one of the questions is "Do we desire sobriety and freedom for the next 24 hours and are we willing to do whatever is necessary to protect this desire just for today?"  For me when I am in the addiction I am a salve to my addiction I will do anything for it, I will go to any lengths to get my hit, and just for today I desire FREEDOM and am willing to go to any lengths to maintain my sobriety.

Thanks for letting me share.

Keep coming back.

London