Dear BW -
I relate to how you described the feeling of not hearing people and the attack you had of brick wall cranial convergence syndrome. Sorry about the circumstances, of course.
A thought that really meant a lot to me is this, and I am sorry about the crass terms:
I cannot go to the restroom for tomorrow, today.
There is really nothing we can do to stay sober for ninety days, a week, or for that matter: tomorrow. Because it is like every other bodily function. The only day I can go to the bathroom for is today. I can't go to the bathroom extra this evening so that I may be "off the hook" tomorrow! (can you tell I hate wasting time in the restroom?)
Well, there is one thing we can do that may set us at some advantage when tomorrow arrives: being sober today. And I'm serious, not glib nor trying to be poetic or cute. I'm dead serious.
It will be OK. No need to lose even a drop of faith, BW.
I can't say more right now.
Love you (all)
Dov

There are a lot of seconds in a day. When it gets impossibly hard, all it takes is for you to drop your guard for one stupid second. That's what I really need help with.

bruce,
im sorry to hear about the fall, im glad to hear that youre still fighting...keep on keepin on, as a very wise man once said...if guard's promises are true, if we can fight through the ninty days, it will stop being a fight every second of every day...once the wiring in our brains gets redone, it WILL get easier...

Bruce, you're an amazing guy. Keep truckin! You'll get there.

BTW. How many cumulative days clean do you have so far? A lot, I'll bet! That's gotta count for something, no? A lot of something.

Riddle of the day:

Dr. Dov says that BDS can lead to BWCCS

500 points.

Brick wall (bruce wayne) cranial convergance syndrome.

good me3! and the first part?

Bardichev Deficiency Syndrome!

Come on everybody knows about barditchiv defeciency syndrome

It was part of the riddle.

I was never good at riddles.

By my non-count (because I don't count) I have 71 cumulative days. But it took what, 4 falls to get there?

Yes, Bardichev Deficiency Syndrome can lead to Brick wall (bruce wayne) cranial convergance syndrome. Gotta watch out for that.

500 points to Me3! (I can hear Kedusha saying "Me2!") 

Bruce, 71 days is amazing. That's over 100,000 minutes! And how many of those minutes were spent falling? 100 MAX? So that's 99,000 minutes clean! So who's winning here, eh?

Your single in your low 20s? What took you over 70 days was a weekend for me. Open your eyes to the results. I amazes me ppl with such great results can get so down.

Keep up the amazing work. We know its hard. Your name Bruce Wayne stands for pushing the human body to the limits. Your living up to your name.

cleareyes613 wrote on 13 Sep 2009 19:15:


I'm not sure what that means.

And yes, I'm 22, so high Testosterone with a capital T.

BruceWayne wrote on 13 Sep 2009 06:11:
I understand the dropping guard for a second business, but how do you tolerate living in an "impossibly hard" situation to begin with?
Maybe I'm missing something here, but it really, really is not the last drink that gets us in trouble, it's the first one. Maybe you know this, but - for me - putting it into action means one thing: pain. It just, plain, hurts to walk the other way and not take the "drink" after noticing something tantalizing, for example. For me, it feels like mourning a real loss, crazy as it may be to mourn over poison. But like I always need to remember, surrender and freedom from temptation ultimately has nothing whatever to do with goodness, intelligence, the Torah, G-d's Will, how I should be/could be, my potential, my neshoma, etc. Yes, being truly aware of those may prove useful tools, but for me and the addicts I know, they remain half-measures in the end. It eventually comes down to acceptance of my inability to successfully use lust and learning to live honestly with the implications. It grows out of a 1st step. And I do not believe that anyone who is not an addict can ever understand that pain w/o judging it or trying to analyze it (just as useless for me!). Exactly becoming an expert about all aspects of driving w/o getting into a car. Useless, really.
Oops, I got off point again - the question was how do things get bad first? I have almost no will-power, nor any real strength, and am more powerless today over lust than I ever was! I just can't afford for the fantasies to start, nor to take the second looks even though I may wish I could, much of the time. Admittedly, my early surrender mechanism took a while to engage...

Thanks  dov. I had the same question, and you clarified it.

I have to keep this in mind. I think I'm gonna print out this post.
Bruce, I'm sorry to hear about your fall. (Ironic how it seems like it gets harder in Elul.) So happy to see you get back up. GBG!