S. E.?

13.

Here I go just posting numbers again.
Don't worry, I'll have more time in a couple of weeks. A LOT more time (could be a bad thing actually).

I HAD to share this:

Humans emit visible light, but we can't see it.

The face emits the most.

news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090722/sc_livescience/strangehumansglowinvisiblelight

Discuss....

BruceWayne wrote on 23 Jul 2009 00:42:
Sfas Emes!

Just for that you deserve this:

Schmeril: "I love being sober!"

Beril: "So? I love breathing!"

Schmeril: "whadaya mean? it's just another thing I do compulsively!!"

Sorry, I have no idea what that was about...it seemed it was going to end up funny though....

FIFTEEN.

Only six more days to go (really five plus a couple hours) till I tie my old mark of 21.

OH YEAH!

Go for it, Bruce!

Keep it up, Bruce!

Hi heiligeh friends!
I can't take any credit for my sobriety today so I cannot afford to count the days too often and too enthusiastically. Poor me!!
So for me, I say again: [b]Instead of counting the days, let's make the days count! [/b] Life w/o acting out is certainly a wonderful thing and should last us another ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty...whatever years, right?
Sorry, but I cannot eat or go to the restroom for tomorrow or for yesterday, right? There is nothing more that I can do today to make it to tomorrow than: just eat today, right? Same with sobriety: the best and only insurance we have as addicts, to make it to tomorrow and for life to be better tomorrow, is simply and only: to live sober today. And love it!!

That was pretty deep, and at just the right time (you really have no idea...)

Thanks.

Gentlemen,

 I have fallen yet again. And 2 days short of my previous record (19, last time was 21).

It happened literally minutes before the fast was to begin. I don't know how it happened. It was so fast. It only lasted a few minutes. In fact, it might even be called a "slip-extended" rather than a fall.
That's how short it was and it wasn't even premeditated like last time.

But it was still a fall.

So basically, my 3 weeks was framed with falls. The last one before this was on 17th of Tammuz itself, and the latest was on erev Tisha B'av.
What does it mean? I don't know, go ask a Kabbalist.

I felt terrible in shul, just minutes after my fall. I couldn't even focus on anything. I just kept asking myself how it could have happened. It was like a Blitzkrieg. Out of nowhere, and it's over before you even know what happened.

When I came back, I read my entire  original thread in the "Break Free" section here rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=503.0
Then I pretty much cried myself to sleep. Not literally, but I shed tears, that's for sure.
Yes, I cried. I don't want to sound like a tough guy or anything, but I never cry. Not after the way I was raised, which basically forced me to develop a tough exterior or crumble. Life hurts less when your emotions are turned off.

I forgot how much gold is in that thread, especially the first three pages. I wish there was some way I could save it to my hard drive (is there?).

I also realized how much I have changed since then, only 2 months ago. Reading that thread, especially the original post, you can feel the pain, the anguish, the frustration, and the anger coming out of the screen at you. It's still there, but much less.
I still have a long way to go but it's encouraging to see the change.

I have decided to refrain from giving out anything that may be construed as "advice" until I actually finish all 90 days. Probably won't even give "chizuk" until then either. What right I have to do so until I make it? It's like driving to the basket for a layup or a dunk--you go full speed, put your head down, lower shoulder, and go up as hard as you can without thinking about passing (giving advice) or getting hammered on the way up (a fall). You just go. Just you and the basket (I like sports analogies if you can't tell).

And that's how it's gonna be. Just me and 90.

Problem is, this is turning out to to be the hardest layup I've ever tried to make. It's like Shaq is guarding that basket or something, and I'm only 6 feet tall.

This is proving harder than I ever thought it would be.
90 days, you are now my personal enemy. I WILL get you. It might take me 10 more tries, but I'll do it, cause I don't know what it means to quit. I know what it means to fail, but not to quit. There's a major difference.

"I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed."
-Michael Jordan  

So, if I finish today, Tisha b'Av, that would make it Day One. Again.....again.
What does that mean?
I don't know, go ask a Kabbalist.

Bruce,

Anytime we fall is our own personal Churban.  :-[  Your Churban coincided with Klal Yisrael's reliving of the Churban Beis Hamikdash.  :-[

It is now time for Nechama - Shabbos Nachamu and the remaining weeks of the Shiva d'Nechemta.  Please accept our Nechama, but be sure to take steps to prevent any further Churban, one day at a time.  :)

Bruce, don't be so surprised. What you have described above is another sneaky tactic of the menuval. He works on us for long periods of time, and we think because we are aware of him, we thereby have prepartation, and are ready to be on the guard.

Then...one day, he does this "sneak attack". He comes so quickly without any noise, and we aren't even sure if this is for real. Is this really something of a serious nature? Is this really him again or maybe......
    And, while we start to contemplate what is going on.....it's finished. He did his job.

Now, you will be aware of this tactic as well. And, the next time even when  the smallest ruffle or noise is heard, you will know 100% that it IS him.

Bruce, you are a perfect example of the beautiful "jewel" that hidden in every Jewish soul. You came on the forum originally much different. Through this struggle you have been slowly polishing yourself more and more. The Bruce of today is like a shining jewel. You have seen that you can't beat this alone. You have been humbled, you have learned what a true struggle is all about, you have learned to share, to be there for others, to offer support, to turn to G-d. These are all priceless lessons. You have a great soul, and it is truly begining to shine. I hope you stick with us. Each new push for purity is fulfilling your destiny. We are all taking encouragement from you. On Erev Tisha Be'av, the day you fell, we quoted Hoping in the daily chizuk e-mail. I'm sure G-d wanted it just for you! Hoping wrote:

The purpose of this site is not the goal of sobriety in itself, rather it's the journey that is important; the ups, the downs, the falls, the slips, and the days you feel like you are going nowhere. It is all part of this wonderful journey. I have found that the most inspiring and successful stories on this site came from people who kept on going up and down but still kept traveling on the journey and didn't give up. Of course, it is extremely important to read the GYE handbook and learn the proper tools, but my point is, that in a way, a fall while on the journey is worth more than a clean day while you aren't trying. So please, please continue with us, and let's all travel on the way of Hashem together.

It's just so disappointing.
The whole time I just sat there in shul, on the floor with my eyes looking downward but not really seeing anything. I had my glasses off just in case I looked up and saw something "by accident".
That's still a problem. The shul I go to is pretty much exclusively people in their young 20s, some married, some not. I haven't even gone to shacharis on shabbos in a while, just to keep from seeing the beautiful young women all dressed up and all that.

I can't take it.

In a week, I should be able to devote a lot more energy towards reading the Handbooks, of which I've only started the Attitude one, and working the steps. I've been studying nonstop for a major grad school entrance exam as some of you know. It has helped me stay clean because I'm really busy, but at the beginning I was afraid the addiction would derail my studying (as I mentioned in my original thread). I plan to start on a looong bus ride I'm taking in a little over a week's time from now. That ought to give me a solid 8 hours or so.

There's nothing for me to do except to keep forging ahead towards 22 and beyond. Again.

At least it gets easier every time.

Except that on Tisha B'Av itself, I was having inappropriate thoughts almost nonstop. I think it might have been related to my fall the night before. But it was seriously like a relentless barrage, and it got worse as the day went on. I'm talking thoughts I haven't had in weeks. It was bad. I had to fight like hell to keep from acting out again. Thankfully I made it, so I've got one clean day down again. And of course there's Shabbos, which is almost a freebie. So hopefully I'll be back to a chazaka by Sunday morning.


And about that whole "Jewel" thing.....

When I was in Israel one of the rabbis who gave the higher shiur that I wasn't in said he regretted that I wasn't part of it because I really should have been. And he said that he was waiting for me to come out of my shell because he could see how much potential I have. And now you guys are saying it....

I remember that scene vividly.
Still haunts me, really.

Bruce,

It seems clear to me that the improper thoughts that challenged you on Tisha b'Av related directly to your pre-Tisha b'Av fall.

Nothing succeeds like success.  I've said this before, but you need some solid sobriety under your belt that you can build on.  Go for it, one day at a time!