got into a little more of the "is that site really not appropriate? Can't be - let me just peek and see for sure"
No on purpose looking but dancing in the danger zone!

YH
GET OUT OF HERE!

בורח מן העבירה

I have to let Go and Let G_d
I am not responsible to clean up all the filth in the world
Just for now - to stay out myself,
If I model that - I will have a clear mind for great projects that will improve the world.
I will not fight
I will run away to live another day

Chaim, I suffered a lot from that particular dirty trick of the menuval. Use my experience instead of your own, and stay far away!

41 days

Thanks Battle!
I can feel that old rusty feeling coming up, like wanting to look at something interesting... and just relax. Worn out from the battle - just take some time off...

Well, I know what you said - not to trust myself, the fall will hurt much more than the pleasure!
Today, walking the stretss and on the bus I keep my eyes clean, and felt the power of self control, but also felt the enticement.
Life is interesting, eh?

But life - Chaim - is being connected to real people in real ways, not virtual pictures and self excitement.

Thanks for the encouragement!

What an inspiring person this LIFE is!

That desire to go to the brink is still hanging around
To see - and not to see... That is the question.

I have to stay clear of the cliff - because the way down - is long
I stayed away from certain newspapers on Shabbos, but had a close call "checking" what a family member did on the computer late last night -
By the way, I nicely asked my wife to watch some of her (under)stuff, so as not to arouse me, especially when she is assur.
I say, I want to keep all my Cheshek for you
She understood, took it nicely and took precautions.

She isn't so computer savvy, and sometimes opens the level of Rimon to basic, and forgets to hke it back up.
I had to check this am, in order to protect my son who is home during vacation.
Can I not check this type of thing?


Well, again for all to hear
I am hereby relieved of all watchguard dutiies untill further notice

When I can go back to being on watch for others?
I don't know

I see that there is a type of waves that I go through, being totaly clear without lust, and then riding downwards for a while. I hope to hold on...

Today is 52 = BeHaMaH
also some 522 views on this part of the forum 10*52
On Page 52 of Suka (see the posts!) we learn about the Yezer Hara

Animals are no longer part of our life like they used to be. We may have pets, but it used to be that man and beast worked together in the field and on the road.
When I thought about this, I realized that we still do have the equivalent, and this helped me to understadnthe nature of the Yezer.
Today we are surrounded by machines, and more so by electronics, and computers. these "wonderful" pieces of stuff serve us, and allow us to work faster, non-stop without psychically expendeed ourselves.
When I look at an improper site - I go into a machine mode - no feeling (really) no thinking, actually I try not to think - cause then I'd have to stop! Automatic clicking, keeping pace with the broadband...

Do I want to be a machine?
Do I want to be a modern BeHaMa?

NO

I want to be alive, with a feeling heart, close to good real people, who I can nourish and can love me too!

Thanks

52 IS BEN

A BEN MELECH IS WHAT YOU ARE

STRONG PROUD AND REGAL

NEXT TIME THE MENUVAL OFFERS YOU HIS NOSH

SAY HEY MENUVAL

YOU THINK I AM A POY-IYR A TZI-GANNER A GASSEN KIND

HAH! I AM AM PRINCE CHAIM THE PRINCE OF LIFE

I WILL NOT BE WOOED INTO YOUR GARBAGE

HEY! WE DO NOT START UP WITH ROYALTY!!!

LONG LIVE THE PRINCE!!!
b

Seventy 2
Chesed
well I am happy that I have made it til, now. the zman has started I am busier, less time for shtus -  but more pressured, have to stay away from assur relaxtion
Hope that Talmud Torah will keep me strong.

UVACHARTA BACHAIM!!!!

well I fell - I think it is an official fall, because I got into looking at sites that were not good, not explicit hard stuff but definately not tzanua, and playing the old game of peeping and not looking. The lowest level of the filter was on so I didn't see any real bad stuff, but I was definately looking around for "exciting" things.
If someone official will tell me that it was only a slip - I will be mekabel, but I know it was NOT what I should actively be looking for. I know I was going to fall, and I had no power to stop, Tho it is better than a few months ago, I still wasted loads of time with this "game".
Disappointment, and weakness.
I am sad, but willing to plod on. I know I should be in touch more, and I even planned to go on to post, but I chose to look at ranchy stuff instead.
How do I get  live accountibility partner?
Thanks
I hope not to disappoint us again,

Chaim, that was an amazing streak in any event.

You can decide if it's a fall or slip by reading Rule #8 on this page carefully.

You can try and get a live accountability partner on this page.

Sometimes Hashem brings us to fall, just as we thought we were doing so great.
1) So that we should realize that HE is in control, and we are completely dependent on Him for help.
2) To see what we'll do NOW! That's an even bigger test. If we get back up and continue as if nothing happened, we passed an even BIGGER test than had we NOT fallen. And sometimes that is what Hashem wants from us.

So forward march!

thanks for your reply
well - it's a fall!

I have a hard time "blaming" HaShem for my falls like "that's what He wanted to show me" because it was my fault - I intentionaly looked at things I shouldn't, turning away from Him and His goodness that He so mercifully bestows on me - in order to seek out dirty dregy muddy cummy cheap plastic thrills

So what basis do I have for saying that! He wrote: ובחרת בחיים
how can I say - He wanted me to fall even if in order to show me.

I have since tried to pick myself up, and have had great moments of clarity, and some hard stumbling. I feel NOW that I am ready for another real try at 90 days!
Thanks so much for this forum. I will have to be more religious about checking in.

www.guardureyes.com/GUE/FAQ/FAQ20.asp

The connection is live. I feel the energy flowing through again. A great warrior is getting back up!

WELL back on the road.
I am going literally on the road, for a flight to US for a simcha, for a short trip, and I can feel the radiation of many nisyonos on the way. I am trying to plan my way around those I can forsee and strengthen my resolve.

For some reason the knowledge that - out the routine - I can do many things I can't do while being watched by those who know me - both frightens me and also gives me resolve.
I CAN do anything I want. I could conceivably go to a place no one knows or sees my religiousity, and go lust.
SO I have free will.
DO I really want to spend my time with virtual thrills and sluts?
Is that the goal of my life?
NO
So that is also not the goal of these next few hours, that I will be "free-er"
I pray I will keep my eyes in control, and make the long trip back to Israel - pure, even purer than before, having passed victoriously through many trials on the way.

Did I think I would fall at 72 just Chai away from 90 - Zaddik?
NO

The taste of freedom was great. I would like to be free, totally from this burden, but as long as I live, I must carry the responsibility with pride.

Chaim its sounds like your really determined and focused achievements- its great chizuk

keep strong