strugglingyid wrote on 25 Apr 2010 17:44:


OK, since you asked, "I am doing great and should keep it up."
Oh, wait, you really wanted me to say that YOU are great.
OK, you are.

It's pretty common around this site to hear that weeks 2,3,4 can be tough. For me, the emotional work wasn't really rough until into the second month. Each niddah cycle of my wife became difficult for reasons I'll confess were more in my pants than in my head. Though each cycle got a little simpler.  I'm not going to guess which parts of all this work are driving you crazy, but I'll bet there's more than one aspect involved in your feeling this way.

I'm not kidding when I say that you have an amazing insight into you, your marriage, and that life-the-universe-and-everything thing. You're gonna figure this out. Really, you will. Not a doubt in my mind.  The challenge is, what's gonna keep you going until the light bulbs finish going off.

Who knows?

Why don't you post some more about what's going on? (There's a married men's forum if it's stuff that the unpartnered shouldn't ought be hearing.) Are you just 'restless, irritable, distracted' (RID as 12-steppers say)? Are you just physically, er, uncomfortable? Are you feeling it's hopeless? Mad at Hashem (CH'V) over some of this?

Come on, you're too smart to think you're going through something unique in history. Put it out there on the forum (don't worry - we don't even know where you live!) and KEEP GOING.

"When you're going through hell, keep on going."

Thanks Rashkebehag and Briut for posting.  I feel better already.

Briut, I think that RID describes me, seems like a withdrawal symptom rather than anything physical.  I have been with my wife recently so that is not what is making me crazy.  It is just a challenge to keep out the thoughts and the all the pictures out of my mind.

Well, I don't really know what works for another human being, and it's probably none of my business, but...
for me, the only way to stay away from triggering thoughts or sights is to fill up with something else.

Have you ever said, "I will not think about elephants." Of course, all that's you think about. So walk someplace else around the zoo and find some animals to think about instead.  Trying to "not think" about something just doesn't cut it.

Not much help, I know, but all I've got.

Briut,  Thanks for your advice.  I am not "trying to not think" rather I was trying to think of other things but the thoughts kept on coming in to my head.  B"H things are back to normal in my head and these thoughts are not driving me crazy now.

2 Weeks!!!  ;D

It is hard to believe I made it this far.  Life feels so much better.  I feel as if these have been the best 2 weeks of my life.  Freedom is a good thing.

strugglingyid wrote on 26 Apr 2010 14:27:


I know you're a pretty insightful guy, so I'm positive you'll be finding ways to thank Him for His loving support.  Therefore...

If you've got any strategies for ways you find helpful to offer Him that gratitude, I'd love to hear them. I can always use some suggestions in this regard, and it seems like a little too private a topic to poll friends outside this Forum.

So, what feels like the right kind of expressions of gratitude to you, SY?

Hmmm...  Got me thinking but good here.  The best thing that I think I could do is to do all the things I am supposed to be doing and doing them for love of Hashem.  This is the only true way I think of showing Hashem that we truly love him.  Doing a big Teshuva or what not might be great but when you love someone it is not really about the big things but in how you do all the small things.  Not that I am knocking the big things, they are important, but if you to really show someone you love them you have to constantly be doing the little things that matter so much.

strugglingyid wrote on 27 Apr 2010 05:44:


Thanks. Somehow you hit a bullseye for me. So as I read you... It's not about thanking HIM for what He's doing for ME (big or small). And it's not even about the big stuff that I might do for Him (Yom Kippur, limud Torah, etc). It's really about the LITTLE stuff I do for Him and reminding both of us that I'm doing it all for Him (and without drama; just chinam).

I wanna think about this and go post on my own thread so I'm not hijacking yours. But... thanks!

strugglingyid wrote on 27 Apr 2010 05:44:


This quote really spoke to me somehow. I see this question of gratitude as a box of four possibilities, a 2-by-2 grid.

Sometimes, we're dealing with a case of expressing our thanks for something HE'S done for US (option 1), and sometimes it's for something (mitzvah, etc) that WE do for HIM (option 2). And, looking at the other axis, sometimes we're talking about something BIG (e.g., Yom Kippur) (option A) and other times about the SMALL things (e.g., a penny on the street) (option .

I might know how to thank Him when something Big comes around (a new job, new child, etc) (option 1A). And I think I even know ways to thank Him for something that seems small  (the car starts, the bill gets refunded) (option 1B). I even know how to try and do something BIG for HIM (I'll fast; I'll refrain from acting out) (option 2A).

BUT WHAT S.Y. IS TALKING ABOUT IS _DOING_ SOMETHING SMALL FOR HASHEM, JUST BECAUSE.... CHINAM. STAM.

And yeah, that's the cell on the grid that I forget -- doing something 'small' for Hashem (Option 2B). "Just because." Because... it helps me keep my focus on Him, b'chol yom tamid. And maybe even because it gives Him nachas (K'Y) that His children still remember Him lovingly after all these years of golus and tzuris.

So, if I can remember to do little things for my wife and kids "just because," shouldn't it be a kal v'chomer to do this for Him?

So simple, yet so easy for me to forget.

I should try saying, "I'm about to do this 'easy' mitzvah... FOR YOU." "I'm about to enjoy this yummy fruit... FOR YOU." I'm about to walk away from this aveira opportunity... FOR YOU."

Keep Him in mind to do the SMALL stuff "for Him," and not just the BIG stuff.

Struggling Yid, you hit a very important nerve of mine. You may now close up the patient's thick skull and return him to the post-op ward for observation.  Thanks.


PS: I had intended this post for my OWN thread, not SY's. But I messed up and it posted here. So I'll take it as 'bashert' unless SY asks me to take it out. Hashem sure does work with infinite wisdom and an infinite sense of humor....

Briut, leave the thread.  I want to have it to read and reread.  It is not too lengthy as each word fits.  Thank you.

Hey Hailigeh Yid,

I appreciated your post on my thread today. Thanks for dropping by and I hope you're having a wonderful day!

Noya,

And thank you for popping in over here!  Always nice to have visitors!

I am having a wonderful day.  It is unbelievable I am working from home, my wife is out and I did not have a struggle.

I was thinking something...

I think when I post responses to other people I am not so much as giving advice to the person I post to as I am being introspective of myself.  I think my posts give chizuk in that we feel that there are others out here who care about us and our struggle and want to see us succeed.  What I mean about being introspective, is that the things prompting the response are making me look inside myself and see how I think the way out is. It sometimes seems easier to objectively look into ourselves when we think of the problem in terms of someone else going through it.  For example, when I posted by you that our blogs gives us an insight to ourselves if we read them objectively, I mean that if I read my blog I can learn a lot about myself and my challenge and what I need to do to make things right.  I do not know if this advice matters to anyone else.  Probably we each have to reach the conclusions ourselves for them to mean anything.  Anyone can show the way but we have to open our eyes to see it ourselves.

Once again I find myself rambling about things I do not understand myself, so I will stop right here.

That's very intersting. People see what they want to see, hear what they want to hear, etc.

People say that when you see someone's faults, it means you have them. Maybe this is a variation on it except in a more positive way.

strugglingyid wrote on 27 Apr 2010 21:41:


Gee, SY. I think that whenever I catch myself talking about anyone OTHER than myself, I have to stop and re-read whatever I wrote as if I'm talking only to myself. Own the statements as my own, and applying primarily to me.

(Does that make sense yet?) 

Anyhow, if I find myself saying "you ought to x" or "everybody sees x" or "isn't he messing up with x" ... I know I have to go back and read the same statements to myself using the word 'I.'

In other words, I'm constantly projecting onto others, and seeing what I find to project about is a good way of seeing what's going on in my own little mind.  All I have to do is read the advice to others and apply it to myself.

Is there ever a time this would NOT be a good approach?  Nu?

A gut voch and Happy Lag B'Omer!  Another day clean and a reason to dance.

Thank you everyone here for being a constant source of chizuk!