I was able to "break free" during the Hag - thank G-d.  I also installed a filter, and made the messages of chizuk my homepage and am forcing myself to read ten before going on to check email, or what else I planned to do online.  It has helped very much.

Five days and counting ... 

So far so good.  I found a site put up by the Breslover Chasidim that is deals with this subject.  Very helpful and nicely done.  I don't have the site on this computer (I'm at work) but when I get home I willl try to remember to post it.  

Sixth day.

EDIT: This is the website I was referring to: Bris Kodesh

Another good day, in fact, at no time did I even feel any lustful urge yesterday. 

This pattern is not uncommon for me.  I've noticed that I can go for quasi-long periods of time free from lust and these are the "good" periods (I've never counted days before, so this 90-day journey may be average or long, or, who knows, maybe even relatively short) - when I am davening and learning easily and with good results; I am happier than at any time - but these periods have always ended badly.  I have not discovered the trigger that begins a slow desent, bottoming out finally with a binge of inappropriate Internet use and physical contact.  I always hope that these good periods get longer and I can delay indefinitely the desent - and maybe now that I have some new tools and the support group on this site, I may be able to do a better job avoiding the worst of the downslide.

Anyway that is my prayer.

Seventh day.

Hey Up, Hoping!!

Welcome to the 90 day sprint!

Not much time left here erev shabbos, just want to remind you of the best ways to have success here at GYE:

POST POST POST, read read read. The Handbooks are a GREAT support, especially the attitude one, and looking over everyone else's struggles and chizuk can give you a lot to think about. A famous quote that i love, goes: "Learn from the mistakes of others - You can't POSSIBLY live LONG ENOUGH to make them all yourself!!!"

Keep up the Good Work!!

Your New Friend,

Steve.

Hi hoping4c
sounds like you've got to a gr8 start!
Just use your momentum (and daven to Hashem for help!) to keep going and i'm sure you'll do great things!
Don't forget we're behind you and their to support you!

KUTGW!!!

Hoping,

Welcome home tzadik, your not alone. How great does that feel?
As the others have said you MUST continue to post on this thread, it is a lifesaver.
Congrats on installing the filter, that is a much needed geder! Remember it is only a "fence", not the medicine itself.
To rid yourself of this you must be willing to put in hard work-which I'm sure you are.
Prepare NOW for the next urge, try and think of what may cause it, ex.( picture, video clip, untznius girl at the mall etc.) I believe, once your aware of the trigger,your approach to this will improve tremendously.

Hatzlocha Rabbah!

Bestrong

Thanks for the kind messages of support - they mean a lot.

Another day - thank G-d.

I have been reading the Window to the Soul book - it is very helpful.  I am very grateful for finding this site, and the various tools to help in this struggle.  Today when I got the mail, something you might think is a fairly harmless activity - but there inside a bill was an advertisement with an immodestly dressed woman.  Before reading Window of the Soul I might have looked at it longer, but today I immediately turned it over and hid it in the stack of stuff to shred. 

I am beginning to understand that idleness is a huge problem.  I get off work several hours before my wife and am at home alone.  This has always been the time when I have used the Internet to view porn, etc. - I struggle with the discipline to keep my eyes on appropriate material, and I spent nearly an hour reading Window to the Soul.  But, it will be a while before I build up the ability to concentrate longer and longer periods of time so I can study Torah and not find my mind wandering all over the place. 

I know Torah study is a crucial element to guarding my eyes - and I do some everyday, usually in the morning before going to shul for Shacharit - but I want to spend the afternoons doing more.  If someone has any suggestions on especially the laws of Shmirat Einayim - please let me know.

I've got most of the basic texts, and a lot of mussar and chasidus, there's plenty there to keep my busy - the problem will be disciplining myself.

Today I was very conscious of not looking at women who came into my view - a couple of times it was hard since from the initial glance they were very attractive.  The thought struck me that "this is no fun", I mean, I enjoy looking at attractive women even if I am not lusting after them, it is a nice sight, not unlike appreciating anything of beauty.  So, I began to think of the idea of beauty being spiritual not physical, i.e. it is a person's soul that is their real essence, and the body is a garment, a disguise actually hiding their true self.  I have spent most of life appreciating the bag, not the person.  It reminded me of a movie a saw a long time ago in which space aliens had invaded Earth, and in order to mix in with humans they wore body suits (literally human body suits) and when alone they would unzip them and you saw the ugly actuality.  In another movie, same idea except the aliens were not evil and the inside was a translucent lighted body.  That idea seemed more like a soul - a glowing light inside us covered and hidden by the outside shell of the body.

I began to imagine a soul inside a physically beautiful person, who because of their beauty was the object of lust, and probably had many sexual experiences which corrupted them, leaving their soul in a bruised and battered state.  My soul too has been damaged by porn and lust, whose light is dim and weak.  Thinking in this manner may end up being a help to me to re-focus the way I interact with people - trying to experience their soul instead of the surface of their bodies.  And ultimately wanting to protect my own soul and repair it through mitzvot, Torah study and proper use of my eyes.

Nice comparison. it is a shame that it is difficult for people look at people based on there outside it is something everyone struggles with it is very cool that you are trying to see past that! (zzzzziiiiiiiiiippppppp) (no that zippering sound was not what you thought it was...or was it!) Keep strong!

Good for you!  I was walking down the street and when I saw a woman I would want to look more.  When I stopped to think I realized the difference between looking at this woman as opposed to some guy was that I wanted to look at the woman, looking away was a struggle.  Once I realized the thought is this Lust that is feeding this addiction it became easier to deal with it and to laugh at the stupidity of it all.  I am only at day 3 of my journey here but each day is a monumental step.  Keep up the good work, your struggles are inspiring.

I think your comparison is good at a deep level.  Imaging if you live near Victoria Falls in Africa would you be interested in looking at a 2 inch high waterfall?  It would not be hard to look away from that.  The physical beauty of woman is just a 2 inch waterfall compared to the beauty of the soul.  Why would we want to focus on this insignificant thing and miss the true beauty instead.  Perhaps this is what Lust addiction is after all, just a fantasy that some insignificant thing will make us happy, when of course it can't because we are missing the true beauty and the things that will really make us happy.

I have had a couple of discussions with my wife about this, and I think she is taking it well.  We have not had sex for a while and she understands that this is part of the problem (but not the whole cause).  We both know that.  We are scheduled to see a therapist in May - and I've ordered the R' Arush book, but already tried putting into place the not critisizing my wife aspect.  Things are looking up, but I know there's a long road ahead before I feel like I'm (we're) out of the woods.

Anther clean day, but I have to relax some of what I've been doing because Tuesday at Maariv my nose spontaenously began bleeding.  A long time ago I had a problem with nose bleeds for no reason, and had to have a vein cauterized.  This time I think was due to stress. [It did not help that there was a huge argument at shul when a Sefardic visitor who had a yartzeit davened Mincha from the amud, and no one could understand him (very unusual but people were looking around with amazement and only one or two people responded Amein).  One person went berzerk afterwards louddly confronting him and it was very uncomfortable for about ten minutes among the tzibur.]

Since Pesach, I've asked that we get rid of the television set - but my wife doesn't want to.  As a compromise, she keeps it covered and does not watch it if I'm in the room.  Still, I am having to adjust to not indulging in that time-waster, because it was something I used to wind-down after work. 

Since the beginning of the sefira, I've not been listening to music other than acapella.  But I am a musician (have been a pro but not any more), and love listening to music and have listened to it all the time since I was a kid.  I tihnk the halacha is that for someone like me, I am not obligated to refrain from hearing instrumental music (except at live events) - but for the last couple of years I've tried to listen to only acapella CDs.  I have about a dozen of these, but after a couple of weeks, I was getting very tired of that music.  I think the combo of the sensory deprivations (including staying away from inappropriate viewing both online and at work etc.) and the stress from the issues with my wife, etc. became too much and my body freaked out. 

So, I'm back to listening to music, but the rest is still in place.

Step by difficult step.  My heart pains to hear of such stress in your marriage.  Make your wife feel good, real good, it will pay off a thousandfold if not more.  You said you stopped criticizing and things are looking up, so you got it good then, there is hope then.  Keep on posting let us all help carry your stress.

Btw, (I am not a Rav) I think your listening to music and not taking on things to make life more difficult right now is a good thing.  Focus on getting better and making your life better so that you have a strong foundation to better serve Hashem.  Once you have that then worry about the less important details.

I've been updating the chart (still clean) but not posting lately - I don't know, not much to say other than - another clean day - not like that's not good news, just that it's not exactly interesting reading either.

hoping4change wrote on 22 Apr 2010 15:15:


another day to dance fromm the rooftop!!!!!!

keep on trucking!!!!!!!!

b

hoping4change wrote on 22 Apr 2010 15:15:


How DARE you suggest something like that???  >

One "Another clean day" post from you interests us more than all the news (?) that The New York Times prints in a month!!!!!!


(and, yes, it belongs in Bold if not in GOLD!!!!)  :D