Dear caring members of this forum,
I'm not sure if this is too private to write about but I think it would help me deal with my current matzav if I put it out there. I have a interesting relationship with a female non-blood related relative who is my age. She is an attractive person whom I have had certain se*ual encounters with twice in the past, once two years ago and again five months ago. These experiences were not full se*ual experiences but involved *jaculation, no kissing occured.
From time to time my yetzer harah grabs me and I start reliving these two encounters in order to become se*ually excited. I also sometimes think about her in general to become *exually excited. Again, this is a non blood relative so it's not like I have a major psychological issue at hand. Before I joined GYE i would mas*urb**e while thinking about her, but now I sometimes think about her without *asturbation which is not helping my cause. Also, I used to have access to a facebook acount and I would view photos of her and *ast**ba*e. However, I asked the person to change his facebook account password and Baruch Hashem it took care of a real chunk of the nisayon.
Now, briefly, I would like to describe the situation overall. She is not shomeres Torah and mitzvos and never was. However, before either of the two *exual encounters I informed her about the halacha of shomer negiah and we agreed to be completely shomer with each other. Go figure, after we made that fence we were actually involved in a lot of negiah during those two encounters.
The first encounter was from her motivations. We were at a wedding together in Israel and she had too much to drink and she inticed me which led to *jaculation and negiah. The next night I told her what transpired the night before and she was surprised. However, on this subsequent night we had a second part to the overall first encounter and there was *jaculation and negiah again.
A dangerous tool that led to my second encounter with her was texting. Texting is an informal communication tool that allowed me to text her causally and eventually pose the question...so, what are you up to tonight? This led to her response, "nothing much, do you want to come downtown and hang out?" I will get back to this below.
I am not blaming her for our second encounter because I initiated the conversation via texting however, she inticed me to stay with her in her apartment, in yichud, and it all went down hill from there. The whole time leading up to the encounter before I completely cascaded and gave in, I was telling her, there are two parts to me inside right now fighting for primacy. One part is saying get out of here right now and the other part is saying you know you want this more than anything in the whole world.
During the second encounter I thought about what I was thinking after the first encounter which was: "This is never going to happen again." Yet here we were again.
Needless to say I felt so horribly depressed the next morning after the second encounter thinking that all of the spirituality I ever accrued was erased forever. She actually knew how much I regretted what happened and she texted me the next day to see if I was doing all right. I told her I was coping with it slowly but surely.
To fast forward to tonight, which is what inspired this post, I was overcome with lust to text her tonight. Now, we have been texting each other over the past five months but somewhat sparingly and about wholesome regular things. But tonight we began a texting conversation and my lust was so strong I actually texted her "so what are you up to tonight?" My lustful hopes and dreams was that she would respond, not much, actually I'm feeling a little bored, do want to come downtown?
But the most helpful and healthy thing happened and I'm not sure why...She did not respond at all. I sat by the phone waiting and waiting, and now for the past two hours there has been no response!
Maybe she realized where I was going with the question and she was willing to be strong and not let it unfold into chaos. Well, after becoming *exually frustrated because of her missing response, I was about to transfer the frustration into logging onto the internet and ending my 28 day new current streak. Baruch Hashem I got a phone call from someone from the community who wanted to invite me for a meal for yom tov. Then I went to ma'ariv, the lust subsided and my seichel felt strong again.
For now, the plan of action is to let her non response slide by...wait a few weeks and resume light conversation via texting as if nothing happened tonight.
Thank you for taking the time to read this long post. May Hashem help all of us with our particular, personal and unique nisyonos.
TrueRatzon.
P.S. this relative is someone close enough that it would be wrong to cut off ties with. Also, I changed her contact name in my phone from her name to "Closer to Hashem?" As if to pose the question to myself as a reminder: is texting this girl going to bring you closer to Hashem? I think that should solve the texting issue. Good night to all.
