Dearest Chevra,
Today only  thru the Grace and Kindness of Hashem  is 181 days on my sobriety journey. I started counting on erev pesach, so I consider erev sukkos to be a 6 month milestone.

I pray that the  Almighty Hashem who carried me hitherto, continue to carry me and shield me from all harm.

Ad heino azaruno rachmecha vlo azavunu rachamecha.......val titsheinu Hashem elokeinu lnetzach.........what a beautiful song

With fiery love to all and with tremendous humility,

Noorah

Mazal Tov Noorah!

May the hard part always remain past tense.
Chag sameach!

...and may the sanity always remain in present tense.

Mazel Tov Noorah!
He will carry you.

- Dov

May you continue to transform the fire of lust into the fire of kedusha!
Nura bilivavecha!

Thanks Rabienu's Guard and Dov and Rebitzin 7up for your kind words 

im going to vent here a bit. haven't done it in awhile but the time has come where if i don't do it i will scream or do something crazy!!! :'( :'( :'( or maybe just go plain crazy  :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

i find that the more holy the day or season,  any time we are enjoined to be happy the YH will go to great lengths to pull me down.. the seforim all say that when we say that a yom tov is a "zman" or time for something it means that this time is segulah from Heaven to acquire that specific item.

Sukkos is called "זמן שמחתינו" a time for our rejoicing - meaning that this is when they hand out out joy/simcha. the question that i ask myself is, why do i feel that I'm missing the ability to acquire this tremendous Heavenly gift?

why am I mired in the petty worries of the solvency of  my bank account? why can't i internalize all the lofty concepts of the sukkka?

why am i stuck with all the petty resentments of my day to day life? what happened to all the lofty ideas that i read and learn about in the holy seforim?

i can read all these noble lofty thoughts of bitachon, i can even teach them convincingly  to others, yet when it comes time to "putting the rubber to the road", why am i left face to face with little ole me?

WHY? WHY? WHY?



Awright, I vented!

You're allowed to vent, dear friend.  I'm not sure you want an answer.

But, in case you do, I would suggest that the y"h often makes it challenging to fulfill the Mitzvas HaYom, whatever that may be.  So, on Sukkos, the y"h may make it difficult to be b'Simcha, whereas in the Three Weeks, the y"h may make it difficult to properly mourn the Churban.

Dov once said:

If I am acting out, even occasionally, or even if I'm just "slipping", my real malady is that I have slipped back into living for myself. And this needs quick correction. "Struggling with lust" isn't the solution - it is a symptom of the problem. Even I, myself, is not the issue; in other words, "how good I am" is irrelevant. I've just got the wrong employer, that's all.

So, whether we lust a little or a lot, is not what the solution is about. It is about all the other things that we thought were not related to our acting out. Our motivation for living is what matters, not our motivations for acting out. Life gets good in a hurry when we are living for the right reasons, even if we are not doing it perfectly.

At some point, I had to admit that my whole struggle and torture (of about 20 years) was ultimately all about me deep inside, really. Even though it was cloaked in kedusha, Torah and Mitzvos, "for Hashem", etc., it was all about me, me me. Eventually, I saw that I was only fooling myself and that I'd be the star-crossed, tragic loser in the end. They'd be cheering for me at my grave. "What a fighter he was". Wow.

If only we could internalize Dov's holy words, life would get good in a HURRY! (I wish I could. Maybe someone should ask Dov how we can truly learn to start living like this... I guess I know what he'll say... 12-Steps. So maybe we should all join Duvid Chaim's new cycle on Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan?  )

guardureyes wrote on 06 Oct 2009 13:30:


Holy Guard,

With all the respect in the world and all the  love possible, I must ask u the following:


How in the world is the 12 steps going to meet my payroll??  Or pay my bills? The bank is calling "hey noorah your overdrawn, when do you plan on covering it"!!

Suppliers refusing to deliver screaming "hey noorah 120 days past due is chutzpah!"

Customers that I don't even  wish on my competitors......

the Big Blue Book don't talk about the aforementiond banks, suppliers and customers

Guard u r probably the head of the 36 tzadikim and I love you like a brother.

noorah the smallest

Dearerst Noorah,

Your frustrations are totally understandable and I can most certainly relate.  The Rambam's son, "the Maspik" writes how speaking bitachon is so easy, while internalizing it is so difficult. It is not an issue of knowledge and beliefs but of feeling.  But it is precisely through these events that you are experiencing that will help strengthen your bitachon within.  Now is the time to begin internalizing it. 

The Rashbam and Ramban write that on a simplistic level the idea of the succos to remember the Nissim that Hashem did for us in the Midbar. We recall the way hashem protected us and cared for us. What is the reason to remember this?  The Netziv writes (at end of parshas ki savo) that the purpose of all the Nissim in midbar is to help us in future times. When we reflect on how the conditions in the midbar were unlivable, yet we survived, we will have stronger confidence in Hashem and learn to hope for his salvation.  This is on lines with the Rambam that writes(Moreh Nevuchim) the reason that Hashem listed off all the places that bnei Yisroel traveled is so that anyone who happens to know those places will appreciate the miracle of the midbar even more.  He will realize that the conditions were not liveable and yet they survived. 

The Chsam Sofer writes that the Yom Tov of succos is two in one.  It is the Yom Tov of mechilas avonos and the Yom Tov of Chag Haasif.  Two separate Yom Tov's And two separate simchas.  There is simcha linked to the fact that we are forgiven for our sins. And this you can certainly rejoice in. But then there is Simcha in the gathering. It has often been asked, that why is gathering going to bring simcha. It should depend.  The person that did well will rejoice.  But not he guy that has not much to gather.  And the answer is precisely the above.  He will have to work to realize that all is from Heaven and rejoice in the bitachon.  It is no secret that the orchos tzadikkim discusses bitachon precisely in the chapter dealing with simcha.  True simcha is only attained by a baal bitachon.  And now is the time of the year for it.

A few years ago my wife and I went to Rav Yaakov Meir Shecter for a particular issue.  He spoke to us like a social worker. It was very interesting. he gave us very down to earth advice. Only afterward, did he give us a bracha.  And then he handed me a small pamphlet he put together on bitachon.  In the pamphlet he emphasized two main points.  One is that the yetzer hara always tricks us into thinking we are not worthy for true bitachon. And this is nisayon just like the other nisayon you had.  And we need to talk back to ourselves and convince ourselves that we are worthy.  And most of the pamphlet he has special pesukim to say. He explains how saying these pesukim  increases a person's bitachon. Whenever, I have a rough time in life I pull out this pamphlet.  But of course like Rav Yaak Meir showed me first hand, this does not take away from hishtadlus.  As stated, he focused the conversation on offering normal advice. And so you should the same. Begin making a battle plan. 

Noorah, there are no easy solutions.  And the trick of life is trying to prevent these situations from taking over our mood and controlling us.  As hard as it is, we need to be aware of our emotions, admit them (like you did) and then bring together our inner bitachon.  Chazal tell us that anyone who wants to understand bitachon should learn the third chapter of Eicha.  That is where Yirmiyahu explains his personal experiences and how the churban effected him.  The most power pasuk is where he writes, "I said to my heart there is NO HOPE".  So odd.  How could Yirmiyahu say this?  And I always understood the idea to mean that of course Yirmiyahu knew intectually that there is hope. But EMOTIONALLY he felt there is no hope.  He had to talk back to his heart.  But the first step is admitting that feeling.  Only after we admit, then we are ready to deal with the emotion. And following that pasuk is one of the moszt beautiful pasukim in nach dealing with bitachon.

So make your game plan, ask Hashem for guidance, say some tehillim, learn chovos halevosov or maspik, or whatever, drink some wine and dance with Rebbe.

Gut Yomtif,
yaakov

...and
Reb Yaakov reminded us of what it is all about and how it really is so beautifully. I'm here to share with you, Noorah, that there is not much written in "the Big Blue Book" about not drinking, not much in the 12 steps about not lusting, and b"H not much space in my head given to how not besimcha I am feeling this succos so far. It's ALL about the resentments, ALL about the horrible customers, ALL about the fears, worries, and nuttiness of life. That is what the steps are ONLY about. Finding sanity in a beis medrash (or a test tube) is not going to do me much good in real life, if I'm out of the beis medrash.
Living the "good life" isn't about having it "good", it is about really having it - whatever it really is, then owning it, and learning how to let Hashem work with us to live it. Then it gets "good" in a hurry.
And, by the way, "being left with little old me" is actually huge. You are not running into fantasy. I have done that hundreds (maybe thousands) of times. It may not be pretty, but it is the only game in town. Now play it.
- Dov
PS. All the brocha of the years and years he loved us in the midbar with those clouds, mohn, and succas, that huge older generation was dying-out slowly under the heavy gezeira of the cheit haeygel and meraglim. That was the setting for the training-period of the next generation. It was not pleasant, and not idyllic, to be sure. They just focused on the positive, did their jobs, and grew.
PPS. My apologies if what I wrote did not sound loving, but it is the best I have for you, chaver, and I do love you.

 

Awright, the Rebbe Reb Ber and Reb Yaakov are kinda deep in their outlook!

I need to digest it some more. I read both your posts twice and plan to review at least once more


Meanwhile "today" the bank is already closed for the day and I squeaked by in the black territory, an open miracle in honor of the ananie kavod of sukkos ;D

Thanks for your kind words of chizuk and (tough) love


Noorah

With all the big and deep talk going on here (from me included), I really sympathize with you, Nurah. When I don't know how I'm going to get through the month, all the talk of Emunah in the world doesn't get rid of that dark, foreboding feeling of: HELP!!!!

Not for nothing that Chazal say, "Ani Chashuv Kemeis". It is a MAJOR nisayon...

Somehow though, we're all still here, and somehow, we all make it through in the end. He is amazing, isn't He?

Hi to all,
I haven't posted in a while. Just lurked like a voyeur around the forum! Watching "yenems tzuris" as BARDICHEV so aptly categorizes  all the lurkers here

No good! No good at all! Need to get out of my own head and stop living in my head as the Rebbe Reb Ber says. Need to share a bit.

The onset of the winter with all the cold snowy icy wet dreary bleak days ahead,  always get me into a funk. I'm in the need for  a major attitude "tuneup".

I am considering joining DC 12 step phone group or a live 12step group.  

I do have a number of hesitations.

1. The time in middle of my work day is not the most opportune time for me.

2. The place. Do I go home? Or stay at work and just put the phones on Do Not Disturb (and then have everyone and their uncle banging down my door )

3. addiction. This is hard for me to verbalize ??? ??? ???. At the end of one of the steps where we admit that we are addicts, before we go on to the next step. I had trouble admitting with sincerity that I truly believed I am addict. At the "gut level" I can't say "my name is noorah and I'm a sex addict".

Before you all jump on me and scream DENIAL!!!!!! Let me explain my hesitation!

The fact that by the kindness and Grace of Hashem 6 months of not acting out doesn't prove that I'm not an addict. I sincerely believe that everyday is truly a Heavenly Gift.

An time doesn't cure an addict as we all know here.

Question: put a "non-addict" in a situation of yichud, or with unfiltered unaccountable internet access, ma yaseh haben sheloh yechtah?

Does this make him an addict?

I've read the big book and the white book more then once and am convinced that not only do they  work, but even a mild or minor addict will gain from the program.  

how can a person not benefit from living with G-d?

It seems to me from the wisdom I've p/u on the forum and elsewhere that the underlying causes of all addictions are the same, mainly the desperate need to escape and find refuge from our  pain, fear, worry,  anxiety etc - hence the 12 steps works for all addictions.

can noorah admit powerlessness when at the gut level he doesn't feel that he is an addict?


perhaps  this is  all besides the point and i should just join the darn program and stop "klering" so mucj(for all non-flakes here that means to stop deliberating and vacillating:D :D :D )

if anyone reads this - and understand what d'***k I'm trying to say, and/or if you relate to any of this, your comments will be treasured.

love to all

noorah

Noorah - Great to see your name "up in lights" here again!
Philosophy is probably mostly d***K (whatever that is), so all I'll share with you is personal experience: I got better and worse, blah, blah, and it took me a long time of slow downward spiral over about 5 years till I was forced to admit that things were bad. The next five years I did diddly: reading books, self-help books till my wife freaked out about how nutty it was to have so many self-help books that I start and don't finish or read five times w/o changing at all. I was hurt and cried. But she was right.
If it was just that I was not satisfied with the life i was living, i might never have gotten into recovery in the first place. But for me things got really horrible. I was doing things and couldn't stop, repeated the same patterns exactly, and was getting worse. Finally got desperate and couldn't live any more but saw no way out, reached out and found recovery. It was not pretty at first but I stayed clean and was doing something very different, at least, with the meeting and steps thing.
I took one day at a time, stayed open with my sponsor and group and discovered - always in hindsight only -  that I was getting better. By "getting better" I mean that my life was getting easier in every respect. I never expected that.
Nu, I'm starting to ramble, as usual. Be well and hatzlocha with whatever you do you are a sweet yid and I'd love to meet you one day!
BTW. In a few weeks there will be a weekend get-together for frum "S" recovery fellowship members. It is a great shabbos (with great davening and really nice food) and it may be an opening thing for some americans who are in your boat. Do you live in the Holy land?  
- Dov