We say ashamnu b/c Hashem is right there with us when we sin.He wants us so badly to reach out and realize we are never ever alone.When we ope up and talk o others about our issues it connects us to them and to Hashem.Call out in truth and you will be answered in truth.You are never alone.

Thank u getting help for your kind words. It was a big step for me to begin posting on this forum, it took a lot of courage on my part to open up, even in this anonymous venue. I hope the posting will be therapeutic  and another weapon in battle and maybe even helpful to the holy warriors on this forum.

Today is day 64 BH. Yesterday was extremely difficult for me. Not so much from a temptation standpoint, rather the underlying causes, that in the past would have made me lock the door and head for the cesspool, were back with a vengeance.  The discontent, the boredom, the resentments are no less "triggers" for me then immoral sights. I know with every fiber of my being that until I address what for me is the root of the addiction its only a matter of time until I....

untill I...
finish the sentence

ok iwill do it for you (and me and all of us)

untill I will muster up strength to hold out ONE MORE DAY

untill I will muster up strength to look away from only ONE more immodestlly dressed women

untill I will muster up strength to take a ONE DAY break from my computer(I did yesterday)

untill I will muster up strength to say TATTE IN HIMMEL ICH VILL ZAYN GITT!!! THE NASTY Y"H IS CHEPPING ME TATTE STICK UP FOR YOUR BEN YUCHID!!

humble and happy and cool
bardichev

Bardichev GEVALDIG:) gitt (arien)gezugt;) I'm mekabel!!!

Barditchev, you took a one day break from the computer and I was already wondering, "where is heiliger barditchever?? I hope he's OK!!"

Noora, see today's Chizuk e-mail (#500) as well as e-mail #428 on this page.

I hope that helps Tzadik!

Noorah,
You are real thinker and very sincere.  I very much relate to your concerns.  In fact, back in Feb I wrote a long post describing my "triggers".  If you want, you could read it here.  I am warning you, it is very long and a bit incoherent.  But you may relate to some of it.  The reason I am telling you is this.  After writing that post, strangely enough I stopped thinking about the issue.  I realized with time, that by simply remaining sober I am destroying those triggers.

My practical advice would be this: 
1. If it makes you feel good, write it out.  Feel free to share with us.  This may help "get it off your chest" and actually removes your worries. 
2. For the triggers that are very common, especially boredom, create a preemptive strike.  Meaning do not wait for him(y"h) to come to you.  Escape before he comes.  Decide now what to do when you are bored.  By doing so, you are avoiding the temptations.  and number 2 you are creating new associations in your brain. But decide now before the next situation arrives.
3. Make a decision now, what will you if C"V the yetzer arrives.  What should you do to fight the temptations.  This is personal.  But again, decide now
4.  And of course, daven daven daven.  Daven that hashem should remove all urges from your heart, and daven that of C"V you should get an attack of temptations you will use strength and wisdom to fight him.  If need be, daven 50 times a day. 


-Yaakov 

The Heiliger bardichever hits it right on, one more time! That Ball is High it is Far it is Gone! Home Run it is!

Now! some Musser!

Who gave you a Hetter to take a day off?!

You cant be that selfish & just have yourself in mind! There are people over here that need your Unique Chizuk & wait all day for it.

In the future if you really need and must have a break then at least give us a warning in advance so that we can try to take other necessary measures to keep us sane till you return.

Thanks in Advance. I'm sure you won't let us down.
Remember! Efshar Letaken!

Thanks Guard; this chizuk email was perhaps your best yet (I say that everyday:) )
Rav Noach was a tremendous inspiration to me while he was alive, (I met him only once or twice but heard a lot of his tapes) Rav Noach was the epitome of never giving up, I believe that Aish was the eighth or ninth yeshiva that he started. May his memory and teachings continue to inspire.

Reb Yaakov, thank u for the compliment your words are words of the wise and I will try and take them to heart and put into practice. Later when time allows I will read your other post
From awhile ago.

dear Heilige Guard efshar and all my yedidim

i am sorry i took a day off from my computer to show myself that a machine can"t FARFEER me
next I can"t stay  away for too long becuase this is my  place.

yes i will give a warning next time.

But heilige guard i was not off from shemiras einayim I was 100% on GUARD

Even if i saw a reeya assura I tell myself bardichev turn quick unless you want to sit with that woman in olam ha-emes


Oh by the way I am mikabel the mussar!!!

I am working on a shtikkel torah so i hope to post it here to morrow be"h

one more thing

MAZEL TOV HELIGE GUARD ON CHIZUK E-MAIL #500

humble and happy and leaving my computer  now 5 pm will be back tomorrow 12pm EST

bardichev

Yaakov Yaakov loshon chibah

U write "daven daven daven". Intellectually who doesent know that, alef bais!. here is one the most heart rendering by-products of this insidious addiction.
After a fall it can be months b4 I can daven again akin to concept of the gemarrah "poshta tuma bkulah"!!
Let me illustrate with the following analogy. Recently one of my office computers got infected with a big virus that was going around (the one microsoft issued that big reward for) the computer starting acting verrrrrry verrrrryy sluggish then it just completely shut itself down!  It took my IT tech hours to remove it

This is exactly how I feel my davenning and avodas Hashem was after my most recent fall. Now 64 days later I'm barely coming out of it.  A pity I can't just call my IT. guy and ask them to remove THIS DESPICABLE VIRUS!!!!

I cry because I can't cry

To my yedid nefesh, Noorah

The yid that cries because he cannot cry will smile when he cries.

There is an important yesod to realize.  We often trick ourselves into thinking we only act when we feel the emotional "thrill".  When we feel like davening, we daven.  When we feel "spiritual" we open our hearts up, say tehillim and cry away.  But when our hearts are closed and senseless like a rock we turn away and say what use is there.  And that is a mistake.  We need to do what is right and what we really need not what we feel like doing.  So granted davening with tears and emotion is a great thing.  But if a person is lacking it at that moment, do it anyways.  Davening to be protected from the y"h is in our tefillos and mentioned by chazal.  There are many times I do not feel the major excitement for davening for protection. But I daven anyways.  I say tehillim anyways. 

Who knows?  One day, Hashem will open your heart for you and let your emotions pour forth.  He will save every tear that drips from your eyes and it will be m'taken the wasted seed, tear for seed. But, he will only widen once you pierce the hold of a needle. 

A great way to express your inner concealed self is opening up tehillim and say it slowly.  Feek every word.  You will amazed to see how much the words are about YOU.  Start with the tikkun clali.  16,32,40,41,59,77,90,105,137,150.  Take one a day and absorb every word. 

You mentioned the idea of "poshta tuma bkulah".  I am no baki in shas, but I do not recall that term.  That might be your yetzer hara speaking to you, because all I could think of in shas is "poshta kedusha bkulah".  I have no doubt that if you begin infusing kedusha into your body, it will spread to you entire self.  You will begin removing all the layers of tumah that have surrounded you and eventually your inner self will become concealed. 

I happy you found that R"Y that I mentioned above.  When I get a chance, I wil read the maharals you referred me to. Thanks. I also hope to post the yesodos from kiddushin for you.  I went over them today and expanded the list.  I hope to share them soon.

Stay positive.  Have patience with yourself.  Recovery can take time.  Remember to stay firm to sobriety, keep davening.  If you ever feel weak, let us know.

Ykv,

I totally Agree!

There's a saying "Vos Tit Men Oib Meh Hut Nis Kein Gedult Tsi Lernen Uder Davinen? Lerent In Davent Men Un Gedilt!"

"If your not in the Mood of Praying Or Learning Torah what do you do? You Pray & Learn without Mood!"

Yes its difficult, but its Rewarding in the end.

Titein emes L'Yakov;) that's all I can say!!.
I started this week to say Thilim despite the cold temps in my heart andamazingly some of the psukim started to talk directly to me and directly for me.
Melech Dovid is the lev hu umah, the heart of/for the entire klall Yisrael!!
As far as the "poshta tuma bkulah" there is no such wods in the gemorra, as far as I know;) and yes it deffintlly was a chidush from the bm of my YH!!
I was playing with the words of the gmorrah in tmurah "huomeir ragla she'll zu olah"

Efsher Ltaken your posts have simanim muvakim that you are a very wise person:). Keep sharing with me. Git guzugt!! Like London said on one of his posts "easy but hard" something to that effect.
Another sign of wisdom is that you hopped on a plane for some spiritual R&R with R' Y M Shecter!
Ashrecha!!
Every once in a while I also get the urge to go cry my heart out by some kivrei tzadikim to recharge my spiritual batteries. Maybe one day I will be zoche.

By the way, in the zchus of your post regarding the 100 brachos, I made a few with extra kavana. I'm not yet up to doing all 100:) "easy but hard"
Bahava Raba!!!