that was one of the most cryptic answers i have received while being here  ???! hahaha! you go DovInIsrael! in the meantime i am going to try and "see this problem from a different perspective"! hahaha thanks!  :D ;D

I fell again

I just thought i would write that i am now 5 days clean and so far today has gone quite smoothly

Alright! Glad to hear - and as always, use this clean time to focus on how good it feels to BE clean, and also to prepare yourself for the future.

Have a great day!

I will try my best!

Way to go, CA ! You've recovered from the fall and are climbing up again. And remember, when we fall we only fall a few steps down the mountain; we're not re-starting the climb from the very bottom.

I just fell  :'( i am resolved to get back up stronger than ever before! i need to guard my eyes closer, not go on youtube unless looking something up very specifically, i also realized that because of the virus my dad took away the password and i can just watch whatever i would like. i am going  to ask him to put a new one that only he knows. i have a lot to think about and i hope it is only uphill from here.

CA: I bet you can find some comfort in a few things:

1) remember how many more clean days per year you're having now than before you started this work; even a fall a week Ch'V is only 52 per year and over 300 clean ones. Think about it!

2) remember how your average "mainstream American" (i.e., goy) sees all this as normal, even an act of general discussion or even pride. And probably does it every day without a second thought. You are comparing yourself to a very small and refined set of "real" men. And you're average/okay/in-the-bell-shaped-curve even within this group.

3) every fall helps you learn how to stand again. (I almost said 'get up again' but that phrasing is sorta triggering for me. So, frankly, is your description that you fell "hard" (is there another way a guy can fall?; forgive me!!) (And should this be edited out?).

4) you've probably built up your confidence in these areas to find a way to ask your dad for a filter. Not just for your laptop, but for all the PCs in the house. I'm not giving up on this one. DO IT.

Good Shabbos. You're doing fine.

thanks. i have really been thinking over this, a few things have occurred to me, 1 is that i am being way to lax on the guarding of my eyes two is that i must some up the courage to ask for filters 3 that i should try harder to see the beauty in life and to know that p**n is not beautiful by any stretch of the imagination. 4 i know that some people advise against this but this really helps me, plain old listening to music whether a woman is singing a man is a jew a non jew it stirs something inside of me like no other! today i listened to an incredibly moving song and i am not going to say otherwise but i cried  :'( this was soon after my fall and this song has made me cry maybe once or twice before but it really makes me think and feel emotionally in ways i cannot explain! i think something i should try on my agenda is listening to more music everyday. i think it will help a lot as a pick me up a stress reliever as inspiration it is indescribable how much music makes me feel. i am not going to explain it anymore because i can be quite sure some of the guys on this very forum have felt it before and it is something i feel almost every time i listen to music. i stopped for sphira but right now i need to focus on the task at hand. i need to go to youtube way less which will also give me time to other stuff i need to guard my eyes way better and i need to feel emotionally pleased which is something music accomplishes. i know i stressed music a lot here but that is only because for me it was a huge revelation. have a great Shabbos everyone!

very true. the idea is to keep moving forward but to also appreciate where youve come from. have a great Shabbos! 

Chazak Amenu wrote on 28 Feb 2010 02:09:

this is what i wrote when i introduced myself for the first time, i was just looking back at it and i thought it was pretty funny that it did cause a problem which i seemed to bypass but am still feeling the tremors. i can see the future!  you can see it in my thread "comes back to bite me"

i am back on the chart and today is my 4th day when so hopefully i can keep going strong!

Alright! That's great to hear!

I think the next few weeks will be easeir not easy but easier i have a lot coming up so not a ton of time to do stuff i don't want to.

Chazak Amenu wrote on 12 May 2010 02:06:

Great !

P.S. That avatar (picture) you chose is definitely my favorite on GYE !!