Please just don't try for long to defy gravity.... ;D....you may not be able to "beat" this alone (the way you got into this mess). I am not able to do it alone and know nobody who is.
Hashem is the only One who is alone.
V'nisgav Hashem l'vado bayom hahu!
Hatzlocha.

Thank Hashem i am not alone anymore! this forum has helped me more than i can express it has lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders i listening to all the tips people are giving me and so far i have not even thought about watching p**n i am also receiving the daily chizuk email and that helps too!
thank you for replying to my post! i aspire to have ten years like you do!!! i look at you're status as somewhere i want to be! thank you a Billion! everyone! i also realize that i need to continue to be careful and never let my guard down or have my heads in the sky. because this also about keeping things real and i in fact do have an addiction/compulsive shmutz watching mind set and i hope to get rid of it!

Your enthusiasm about being kadosh v'tahor is incredible!

You are a valuable warrior in this battle, and we're lucky to have someone as holy as you here!

Without disagreeing with Dov at all (wow, what a beautiful post!), I still will say that if someone makes a Kaballa to go to the mikva if/when he falls, and he knows it's hard for him to go, he may find that he starts to fall a lot less often. And this can help him learn to stop compulsively using the addiction as an escape, which is a cornerstone of recovery.

In other words, not to use the Mikva as a tool to feel "I'm getting better" or "doing something real" (which it isn't), but rather, using it as a healthy deterrent. (Perhaps that is what the Sefarim mean when they say that Mikva in these areas is a big segulah for staying pure - as a deterrent).

While in the shower this morning I was thinking about the mikvah thing, and admitted that if going to the mikkie would help someone feel cleaner and less guilty, and recognize that they are not disgusting but still Hashem's beloved sweet yingeleh, and thereby motivate them with hope to actually do the work to actually get better, it could be a great thing.
Giving up on ourselves is the greatest poison of all, and leads only downward. "Hitting bottom", or finally "giving up" can't mean giving up on ourselves. For those very things are precisely what saved my life! Rather, they mean utterly giving up on doing it our way. And letting go of ourselves - cuz we failed miserably at the task of caring for ourselves - and letting a more qualified Driver into the seat, for real. Usually the first "trial by fire" for that is finally/actually getting the help we really need, come what may.
The other thought I had was that 14 is awfully young to be doing everything on your own and that it may really be important to find a mentor. Heck, I needed one at age 32!
That's all.
Ciao.

i dont usually post, but seeing your post on the daily e.mail i thought id add a few words that come from our great leaders regarding mikveh,
1. reb nachman writes in the hakdamah to his tikkun haklali, that the first thing one should do after this pgam, if he can, is go to mikveh.
2. reb nosson writes, im yesh mikveh yesh tikva, as long as one goes to mikveh there is hope,

keep up the good work

Dear Chazak Amenu,
Not knowing whether you are still here or will read this thread, it still seems right to post something that touches on the above. It's from P' Pkudei:
The midrash Tanchuma (11) relates how the yidden tried to put the mishkan together after making all it's parts. They were not doing this on their own - the mistake of Nadav and Avihu - rather, they were doing what Hashem had commanded them to do. Nevertheless, it kept falling down.
As would be expected, they did not try only once, but many times. They even went to Betzalel. He couldn't do it, either, and it kept falling! "Ba'alei hashkofa" among them likely said - let's keep trying! It has to work, because Hashem commanded us to do it - He would not have given us a command that we couldn't succeed at, right?! Nevertheless, they eventually saw it was just not going....
They finally brought it all to Moshe Rabeinu. He tried to put it up himself...and it still just fell each time.

Here comes the recovery concept:
Tanchuma reports that Moshe rabeinu then cried out: "Master of the World, I do not know how to stand this Mishkan up!"
Hashem replied: "Just use your hands to go through the motions of standing the Mishkan up. I will make it stand. It will now look as though you are being successful, and I will even give you credit for it as if you had accomplished the task!" Ad Kahn.

I ask you: What happenned here? Why did Hashem make it so, that they'd fail utterly at what they knew He wanted them to do? Then the only one who succeeded at it was Moshe Rabeinu. But why let him succeed? Was it all a grand manipulation to get Moshe Rabeinu to be the one to actually make the Mishkan? If so, then why make him initially fail, too?

It seems to me that the simple answer is that standing up a Mishkan is not something any human being can do - period. It's inherently impossible.
The only way is for Hashem to do it. But He wants to do it through us.
It turned out that among all those great tzadikim, the only yid who finally gave up and said, "I can't do this, at all. Hashem - You want this to be done, so You'll have to do it. I don't even expect to have a part in it, because I now know that I can't do it at all!"
Only Moshe Rabeinu - the onov mikol odom. Only he "made it" through to the other side of the wall of the human ego - that michitzas barzel mafsekes - and gave up completely. But he didn't just give up and walk away! He knew that a mishkan must be built! He also knew that he is (and we are) Hashem's agent on earth! But for the first time here, he gave it all to Hashem. As in 'Tofsu umanus avosam' by the yam suf - he cried out to Hashem and gave his avodah all up to Him. "I am Yours. Our Mishkan is Yours! Make it work so that Your Will may be done!"

And look what happenned! He not only succeeded, but was even promoted to "Mishkan-Builder" - a job he had failed miserably at before. His credentials were not very good. But he did not need good credentials - Hashem was going to be the One to do it, all the way through to the end! Moshe was only asked to go through the motions. It would work - but only as long as he would retain the admission - hoda'ah - that Moshe was not building it, Hashem was. And Moshe Rabeinu would get s'char as though he built it, as well.

This post is long enough already, but I'll spell out what's dearest to me here and leave the rest to you if you choose to think it through some more.
I am a lust addict. I am powerless over lust. I proved that to myself again and again, fooling myself for many years that I was "fighting the good fight and had to succeed with Hashem on my side!". I was puzzled, dissilusioned; almost lost Hashem; my neshama; my life. Back in the midbar, I would have been that one really 'frum' and 'spiritual guy' who would have never, ever given up, while the Mishkan was falling all around me and on me, busting up the k'rashim - and me! They would have had to drag me away, I guess. In this life, I had to be forced to surrender on beating lust my way.
And now I say I am powerless over lust - cuz I am - and give the battle to Him. Hashem Ish milchamah - not us. And for Him there is really no battle, of course. He apparently just wants me to let go of my battle and go to Him instead. So I try to run from any battles with lust (it's deadly fire for me!), and try to give the struggles that I somehow end up entangled in, to Him as quickly as possible. But the point is that it's not me winning - it's Him. Always.

And that's also why I find no need to hate or despise lust. No "arrow in the eye of the YH!", for me, thank G-d. It's silly for me to make a stinking big deal about lust - if I 'get personal' with lust, I will surely take it on, myself. I can't afford to. I'm not that stupid...any more. He's not my enemy any more, really. I just forward lust's whispers...to Hashem. He knows what to do with it, after all - He made it! All I need to do is get the help I need to give it up. He probably recycles it.....very environmentally sensitive, you know....
And the help I need is from my friends in recovery. I can't do this life by myself.

Hope this helps someone.

Chazak Amenu wrote on 01 Mar 2010 17:27:


It's a life saver!

Good to see you here, Chazak Amenu.  You're starting young.  You have a long, bright future ahead of you!

Keep up the great work!

  --Eye.

I am reading the posts constantly thank you very much i try not to insert my nose in too much because i want other people to get use out of this as well and if i keep replying every second it gets annoying especially when i don't have much to say i do post more other places where i might have something wirth while to say. anyway (now you see why i seldomly post i run on) thank you very much for replying. i listen to everything people to say and use it for strength and thought.

It's perfectly fine if you ramble a bit while posting - it's your thread, you can do whatever you want! (well, pretty much)

And posting is really good for you - it helps you speak out what's on your mind, which means that you get to see what's on your mind

Hey kid,

you came the right place.

1. My problems started when I was even younger than you (I'm 23 now). If you can control it now, that would be golden.

2. Make sure you aren't confusing "addiction" with a natural curiosity that's a result of puberty. The difference is that one fades, the other tightens its grip and controls your life. Guess which is which? BTW, I am pretty amazed that you didn't know what sex was in 6th grade.....I guess it's a function of your upbringing.

3. I'm sorry but I just have to say this: I have a major problem with homeschooling. Admittedly, this is based on a friend of mine (one of my best) who turned out pretty messed up because of it. So, I can't make generalizations from a single case. I just hope you get out relatively frequently and you have a healthy social life outside of school. And that your parents aren't slightly insane (as my friend's sorta were).

Good luck on your journey.

depends what you call slightly insane don't worry they are not, i am joking they care deeply about me but some times they become obsessed with my education and because of stress they snap easily but they are most definatly not insane! i don't know home school has created good opportunities for me everything has it's down side even if it is a really bad downside but i was doing a book report and probably would have done the same book for a different school with the same character who also shared a name with a p**n star.  i have wondered myself it is just curiosity, but as soon as i remember the countless times i just could not resist no matter how hard i tried or just one little slightly risque picture showed up i was on the computer for hours or how ever long i had till i m*s*u*b*t*d. i don't know how many times this happened but way too many! 

Once you accept that you are in deep trouble, the question is no longer what happenned, nor how sick you are, but what help you need to get well. Hatzlocha.

I am beginning to have a more difficult time as i always do around the month clean mark. i hope i can stay clean till Pesach i have had some near misses. Pesach will be great! cant be on the computer during Yomtov or Shabbos!

First of all, one day at a time. We keep saying that, but it's true! You can do it!

Second - remember that you haven't been depriving yourself for a whole month. Instead, for a whole month, you've been able to breathe clean, pure air. You've been able to feel good about yourself, and to truly connect with hashem.

See each day as an opportunity to be clean, which is something you want, rather than being forced to avoid a wonderful pleasure. And you know that the latter idea is a lie - you feel much happier and pleasure-filled when you stay strong, and don't give in!

KUTGW!!!