After leaving this forum, my struggle has been going downhill.

The length of my streaks went from 53 to 39 to 21 to 7 to 2.  I've hit a "rock bottom" in that I can't tolerate. I had been meaning to come back earlier. Now, I fear what will become of this journey if I don't come back immediately!

Since leaving, I've began realizing how powerless I am against the yh and this addiction. When I was doing well and progressing, I attributed it to my strength/will/ability to overcome the yh and addiction. I really thought that I could continue to sobriety on my own. Now, I realize that my previous successes were 99.999999% HaShem's work and and His ratzon.

I'm definitely coming back humbled in front of H'. I'm realizing just how powerless I am against the yh and this addiction. I never would have thought that I'd end up acknowledging this.

I'm also coming back humbled in front of all of you. At times I had felt that, even though I had this addiction, I was different that others on this forum: I had the power/ability to do it on my own. I know realize that the 0.00000001% of my success that wasn't attributed to HaShem's work/Will was really because of the chizuk and support I received from everyone on this forum. I realize now just how precious this forum is and how much chizuk I got from others and how much giving chizuk to others has also helped.

Please, learn from my example. Don't leave GUE! Don't let the yh convince you that you don't need GUE or whatever it is that currently keeps you from aveiros.

Hopefully, all the old-timers and the new-comers will welcome me back to GUE. I definitely missed it. And please, NO ONE LET ME LEAVE AGAIN! OK?

Today is day 3. Reb GUE, please put me back on the Wall (feels good to say that :-D )

Welcome back!

Some words of Chizuk: we know that 1000 years is like one day for the Ribbono Shel Olam.  However, I would like to suggest that the opposite is also true - because Hashem is completely above time, one day is like 1000 years for Him, i.e. there is no real difference to the Ribbono Shel Olam between the two.  What a Chizuk this can be for those who sincerely want to stop this behavior, but don't yet have 90 days, or even 9 days under their belts: if you are sincere, and take real steps to fight this (one day at a time, and always with the help of Hashem), then, as far as Hashem is concerned, you've been sober for 1000 years.  Use that to your advantage in the early days and, before you know it, you will have earned some serious sobriety that you can continue to build upon.

A wonderful Shavuos to all!

Postal, we are so glad to have you back. You have a POWERFUL and BEAUTIFUL soul, and we have seen it flower in the past on this forum, and I am sure it will flower here again.

PLEASE read the new handbooks so we can make systematic progress within a defined framework. See this post. Let's discuss the tools of the handbook together here on the forum, one at a time, with careful thought. And we will make progress this time - FOR GOOD!

Gut Yom-Tov.

Postal, may the Almighty continue to carry you in His hand.
I feel sometimes the same way, when thing are going good maybe I am not really an addict, maybe I'm better then everyone on the forum. I find myself thinking that perhaps all those slips, falls, crashes was just an abberation sort of a bad dream. What I've come to learn the hard way is that it is precisely these sort of thoughts, this type of "cockiness" that usualy precipitate and bring on th YH with a vengance. With each fall getting progressivly more diffucult to get up from.
Chazak V'amatz

Kedusha, you wrote:
if you are sincere, and take real steps to fight this (one day at a time, and always with the help of Hashem), then, as far as Hashem is concerned, you've been sober for 1000 years.


 

Kedusha, thanks for pointing to this important yesod. Even a sincere THOUGHT of teshuva can cause a Yid to leap to from the lowest to the highest level.

See Rambam, Hilchos Ishus Perek 8, h. 5, where he writes: " (When a man tells a woman: "Behold, you are consecrated to me) on condition that I am a Tzadik", even if the person is known to be a rasha gamur, there is doubt (regarding the status of the kiddushin and) the woman is considered consecrated. For it is possicle that he had thoughts of teshuva in his heart at that time".

Note that the mefarshim explain that the doubt only exists because we can not be aware what is hapening within the person's mind. If we could be sure he had sincerely repented, he is considered a tzaddik regardless his previuous conduct. This demonstrates the power of teshuva, how one sincere thought can transform one spiritual level from one extreme to the other.                        (taken from the Mishne Torah, Feldheim edition).

Welcome back Postal.  We are so glad to have you with us again.  I have not taken you off my kosel list, and I have kept up davening for you. 

Please stay with us as we watch you grow and inspire us. 

Postal, you're back on the chart! I hope you're doing well...

Thanks for all the chizuk and welcoming me back everyone!

It feels good to be back on the Wall!  Today is day 7. Be'H I'll get through it!

I'm going to try very hard to stop trying to circumvent my filter when the desire is strong, which is what has often happened in the past. H' saw that I wanted to give in, so He allowed me to find some stimulation that my filter didn't block. I'm giong to try to focus on preventing that. Accountability software will help.

Today was a milestone for me, since I was in situation (that I must be in every other week) that I've previously been unable to guard my eyes/actions and prevent the yh from taking over.  But this time, I did it. I pushed back on the yh's attempts every second. I employed the strategy of "the mind can only focus on one things at a time" and was talking to H' the entire time I was in the situation.

So far so good, even though I'm trying to get out of a mental funk (being feeling a bit lonely, hopeless, and incompetent) and it seems like nothing has been going right for me lately. I don't know if this is self-inflicted suffering (the yh) or HaShem's Will for me. I don't know if I'm feeling hopeless/incompetent for legitimate reasons or is it just the lies of the yh. If I feel so different that all the people around me (to where it affects parnassa/shidduch/relationships with other people), does that mean that I'm just different than most or that the yh rules over me (with fear/anxiety/etc becoming my "nature")? I've taken those psych personality tests many times, and it always comes back as a relatively rare personality type (less than 10% of the pop).

I know I'm ranting off-topic here, but I'm just feeling confused now.

But I'm trying to count my brochas and suppress those those negative thoughts.

Here, here! One of the best "last resort" tools the program taught me is to write (or even think methodically through a gratitude list for five minutes when having a hard time. I use it when I cannot fall asleep because of unfulfilled expectations, when going out of my gourd, etc. Hatzlocha to you, bro!!

Day 10 is almost over!

I'm back to my normal self, emotionally...happy, positive, and grateful/thankful to H' for all He does for me.

I have yet to be tested during this current streak. That used to be a problem for me....weeks between yh's attacks would cause me to lose focus and not be as mindful of pushing back even on the lightest attempts of the yh to be let in.  This isn't the time to let down my guard for even a second!

It's so good to have you back postal... How did you find the new handbooks?

Postal, today should be two weeks - level 3. Let me know if I can update the chart!

The yh attacked today....and I fended him off, not letting him inside my head.

14 DAYS ARE OVER!

That's great news Postal!

You shake the heavens each time you fend him off.

18 (chai) days are complete!