Hi, I've written before but with encouragement, i decided to start my own log. My story is that since the age of 17 , I have been acting out. I saw porn (mags) when I was 8 at a friends house (his loder brother had them). Saw my first xxx movie at 12 and always was interested in girls. I never had a girlfriend and wondered what it would be like. i used to act out 2 or 3 times in one day. Sometimes once a week. No internet back then, thank G-d. Went to Israel for a year and a half and was pretty good, with infrequent acting out. Got married, it didn't help. I had the usual guilt, depression etc. Didn't get enough from my wife. She was also lax in counting her clean days. Her period was abnoral. Birth control. Have 4 kids and it is better. Once in a while I get the urge, when alone in the shower. Watched porn when we got internet a few months ago. Stayed clean for 60 days, then fell out of frustration.
Once I got busted by my wife 8 yrs ago, when I had dial up internet. It was only pictures then. I felt like crap, Guilt! Wife thought I had a thing for big gifted women. in reality, I wanted what I felt I wasn't getting or had. When with my wife, it was like I was forcing her. Like making love to a piece of wood. Limited expression. I didn't know if I was doing it right. All I wanted was feedback, some emotion. Ihad issues of finishing early, like in 30 seconds , so that weighed psychologically on my mind. it's a little better as I age but still not where i want it to be. I am working on it. my wife says its OK and that she has nothing to compare it to. I love her for that but the mind plays tricks on us.
Once, my mother took my mezuzah to a Rav who reads them. She came back and said," the Rav said that spilling seed is equivalent to killing 60,000 lives," I said,"that's nice," and freaked out. how could anyone know? That goes to show you like the Gemara in Chagiga says that a person's walls in his house will give testimony against him on Yom Hadin. Did I stop? No. Am I an addict? I think not. I think I am normal. If I wasn't Jewish, I prbably would've slept around. But i want to do better and be as Kadosh as feasible. With Hashem's help (and yours) We'll all get there.
Thanks for listening,
Penitent