Aha. The purpose of these days in the 60s and 70s (not the 1960s, the 60 toward 90) is becoming clearer.

It's about being... ordinary. In a great way.

You see, I am truly full of the need to be great, special, intense. Whether it's a topic of good or bad.

And when I stand up to a challenge, it's GOT to be a great, special challenge. Or I've got to be great and special in how I handle it.

Anyhow, my enemy is being... ordinary. average. ok. B-.

And now I'm seeing that I'm not going to get anywhere past my ego boundaries without learning to love being ordinary. Really just a plain old poshut yid. nothing special. and that this is part of Hashem's plan for each of us. which makes this just... perfect.

Aha. The perfection of being an ordinary guy. 

Details to follow, as I confer with my world-class, expert, award-winning problem-solver of a Self.

just ot let everyone know...

when Briut was on day 64.

I pointed out 64 = 8x8

8 being the number above nature - like 8 days of brit

and at day 64

this meant he has 26 (gematria of Hashem) day left till 90.

no wonder his y"H wants him out of the race..

the ol' chap is about to be cruched for good!


go get 'em TIGER!!!

Briut, u spoke about being an eved, I just heard today a very powerfull inspiring speach from rabbi waxman, he says that on pesach we were "freed up" and we can never be avudim anymore, which clicks with what u just said taking in count what chazal say ein lachu ben chorin ela me shoisak batorah, so u r an eved hashem but actually u r a ben chorin, which I understood is, that by doing the good deeds, all of the rest is done with special care by hashem therfor it makes us in a certin sense a ben chorin

thanks, JIP and Dovii, for the chizuk. I'll try to keep thinking. But not too much. And doing. But not too much. And learning about all this -- as fast as I can, because I'm getting tired of being stuck....

And just to keep posting in my thinking about being "ordinary" ...

I suppose it would be much easier to forgive folks I care about (like my wife) for doing things I don't care for (like singing off-key)... if I weren't trying to live a life of such egocentric grandiosity myself. You know, the kind that keeps me from thinking of ordinary, normal, average etc as being worthy of any extraordinary love or emotion. Not even from H' Himself, I'm afraid crosses my mind on occasion.

High standards. No love. Ouch.

Dammmnation, this is likely to be harder than I thought.  Day 66.

Wow. Well, I've realized I do have an addiction. But not the one some folks might see as obvious. Rather, an addiction to posting on other people's threads!

And what's it related to? This concept of feeling "special."

Special (i.e., more deserving) in my entitlement to read and learn from the insights of the other members.
Special (i.e., chutzpadik) in feeling my posts on other folks' threads offer them any special comfort, chizuk, insight.
Special (i.e., powerful) in tackling my lust issues, by seeing my challenges to be so special (i.e. powerful).
Special (i.e., egocentric) in telling myself the posts are solely to help the OP and not to see my own thoughts in print.
And yes, even special (i.e., wise) in thinking that what I say has any special value (ouch; indeed, double ouch!).

I think I've got to look closely at the concept of "special" as mere ego. And to do that, I think I've GOT to stop posting and even reading so often. Maybe a journal log on the WOH once daily, just to keep my thoughts flowing. Certainly fine to read and respond to PMs since they serve an individual and not the cyber-klal. But I think compulsive posting might be linked somehow to compulsive egotism. Ouch.

(And even as I write this, I think part of me hopes for a post that my efforts are indeed useful. Which might do nothing but fuel my ego. Arggh. More work to do.) The work: banish: special, unique, wise, extraordinary, etc and replace with ordinary, regular, plain, normal, baynonee. Without losing my (genuine) self-esteem.

Day 66. (Is this 'normal' for Day 66? Hmmnn.)

Hi. :D

rashkebehag wrote on 21 Mar 2010 12:44:


Me too.... Hi Briut...

P.s. as a friend I hope you are not pushing too far....
But you do have thick skin....

hi Briut !

you are doing great!

keep on rocking!
you are going to make it

go, briut, go!!

did you realize you are already past the 2/3 mark!


very cool!
dov inisrael

An Ordinary Pace…. Day 68

Spent a couple days thinking about how I might settle in my life for ordinary; normal; average; B-.

For my GYE work, I think it means taking a break from the driving curiosity to see what the “other side of 90 days” looks like. To turn this huge undertaking from urgent sprint to leisurely walk.

My normal pace is to jump into everything with intensity. Except there’s one problem -- if I “put my all” into this, there’s nothing left for my spouse, kids, business, nothing. Without more balance, I might become a little too unbalanced myself. (I’m getting sorta close now.) Then I can’t do ANYTHING.

So now I have to comfort myself with an “ordinary” effort. Which allows space for an “ordinary” effort in other corners.  To remind myself that even an “average” pace is still beloved in His eyes.

This is obviously related to the ego issues I’ve written about in this past week. The need to be amazing, the need to be extra-ordinary. Which is a put-down to the ordinary. And for now, being “ordinary” across the board may be more extraordinary than making it to 90 days.

What a normal and boring decision by a totally ordinary person. (Hopefully, someday, going along with an appropriate serving of self-esteem and self-awareness). So, sorta extraordinarily ordinary. So even with a fall, at least, I'll know I can trust that I fell-shmell into the loving hands of the RBS’O who loves us all just as He made us.

I for one relate to what you just said, thumbs up....

Briut, you can make it to 90 and come to Pesach with the feeling of a Ben Chorin. You owe it to yourself. Just for today, you can remain clean.

You have one of the most beautiful souls I have ever seen bared on this forum. You are already extra-ordinary. I don't say that to everyone!

OK, I fell. Well, I'm not sure I'd use the term 'fall.'

More like, I saw myself on the edge of a big emotional cliff and realized I needed to "take two giant steps away from the edge so no one gets hurt."

In brief, the physical aspects of restraint weren't as challenging as I feared, but the emotional baggage is far more complex.  Consider what it takes for most folks here to remain clean: guarding our eyes. Don't gaze at women because: it stirs up lustful fantasies, it's halachically inappropriate, the norms of the frum community make it wrong, plus it makes the women themselves feel uncomfortable.

It's different when the physical attraction is not only M-F but M-M. Imagine you can't look at WOMEN but you can't look at MEN either since that ALSO stirs up such thoughts, makes men uncomfortable, etc. So no men & no women and... there's no one left. This work can be done, I know, but it takes more tools than I might possess, today. And despite my recent posts about trying for plain and ordinary, finding these tools might not be plain or ordinary.

So I felt the edge of my sanity coming into range. Time for a strategic retreat to regroup the troops.

Whoops, I was supposed to stay BRIEF. Ouch.

You did great for your first streak. 68 days!
Now you can aim to break that record  :D

You can look at anyone you want, but if you focus on being a "giver", not a "taker", you'll find you won't lust for them  
I guess that's the only eitza for someone like you: Letting go of self-love and self-will, slowly but surely.

G-d luck.
Don't let this get you down or make you give up. You are doing great.
You'll get there.
Hashem is leading you, step by step.

briut! i totally understand what u say, & me as a chusid who goes to Mikva every day, i can feel ur struggles, so all i can say is, that we just gota get tight with hashem & ask him to stay close to us, when i sometimes feel im loosing it, i imagine hashem walking alng me, sitting alng me & i turn around to him & i look at him, saying "u dont me doing this right? or sometimes i cant even say it cuz as soon as i see him, i feel like what are this tavas worth when i see him standing right here, i just beg him for help & ask him a favor to give me a goodie for behaving

hang in here, we r gana make a big party soon when we reach 90 days we have a few holy brother in the 60 day range