Your positive attitude is inspiring, as always - I think it's great how much you want to truly grow and become better and better!

Funny, SB, I was about to reply and say that, "of course, we frum Jews all have a chiyuv to work on being better. Growing as a Jew every day is just part of the plan."

And then I realized, it's not "ME" who's responsibility for me growing. It's Hashem. I can only clean out the vessel so it can hold what He's bringing. So maybe I just have a chiyuv to clear a place. 

That sounds much easier. And much more trusting of Tatty's willingness to bring home the chocolates and not just the bacon . So maybe I've got to learn how to be a little more gentle with myself. Do I have to work hard at that, too??

Good Shabbos.

Nu uh.

To be spiritual people, we need to let go of our gashmiyus a bit, right? Well, not so when it comes to your friend. As they say, "your friend's gashmiyus is your ruchniyus"....

Same here.

I think that made sense.  :-\ Let me know if it didn't.

guardureyes wrote on 13 Mar 2010 19:57:

I'm afraid I didn't get it. I'm not always as good with words as my posts might sometimes pretend.
What I think you're saying is that someone else's struggles (of any kind) are merely an opportunity that we can use to improve our own spiritual enlightenment. Why does it hit us so funny? What can we learn. Even if it's our judgments about their own gashmiusdicke existence, that's still our ruchniusdicke dilemma.

But I've surely got this a little off.  So if you see this, please clarify.

And in any case, what if it IS our own issue to struggle with. Doesn't it help if we can forgive them before (or at least while) we're working on our own solutions/growth/understanding?

And by the way, I'm getting sorta sour over the prospect of identifying something new and good and pure to inhale to replace the shmutz. The shmutz might not be new or good or pure, but it sure is comfortable. And the prospect of living without it is starting to fill me with resentment, irritability, and discontent, targeted largely toward my wife who deserves better treatment.  Day 61, I suppose is the answer to why I'm feeling this way today.  The Winter of (my) Discontent, perhaps.

I can't believe I actually posed such a stupid question on the 'I'm about to fall' thread.

Am I really about to fall? Is that the way to increase shalom bayis in prep for Pesach? Is there really mitzvah she'ba b'aveirah?

Why is my head screwed on backwards right now?

And why am I so caught up in my head? 

Arghh.

Well, I'm now seeing that SOMETHING is going on here today. Something not so good....

Not one but TWO of our PCs have gone psycho on us. The error messages seem deeply symbolic: one only boots under the "LAST KNOWN GOOD" configuration. The other has a touchscreen that WON'T RESPOND TO TOUCH but only to the pen or the keyboard. I'd like not to read too much into such coincidences, but often I find a message in there and it's not always an error.

So how do I return to my 'last known good' and how do I restore a healthy response to 'touch'? Hmmnnn.

And it's not just the machines. There's one sore throat with fever, one without, one earache, one insomniac, and one showing symptoms too bizarre to even mention. The whole family is getting affected by the same bug. So, what's bugging us?

The last day or two, I've been asking myself why I'm even looking for a clean streak. I thought I had a "deal" with the RBS'O -- He would take me to a 'clean' place if He wanted me there and I'd find it easy. He'd make it effortless because I had no koach. Otherwise I was free to conclude that my little frum Y'H was just trying to bring me into mental anguish and push me down. But darn it, and of course OBVIOUSLY, it doesn't work like that.

So over the weekend and particularly last night, I just wanted to act out. I told myself, the stress was affecting the family and making us all sick. It was even making my machinery sick. (Oh, did I tell you the car wouldn't start? Plenty of battery but some connection (alternator) or fuel line (clogged filter?) interfering.) (Oh, and the microwave, too. You can't even push its buttons .)

If I'd had more energy last night, I would probably have broken this streak. (Don't you remember? I didn't make any kabala. It was a day at a time. And today, I don't even see what the point is.) But I was too zapped. I did take my smartphone to a sorta borderline place at bedtime (no nudity or real shmutz, but appealing enough to the libido that I could see if that felt like the solution to my discontent).

And I know, every addict on this forum is going to say, "you know better; you know it's the Y'H's last stand; stick in there and you'll cross the wall to an easier place." But every gay man on planet earth would say they know exactly who I am and what I'm thinking, and is cheering me on to come out and live my life already. 98% frum head-of-household, loving husband, every advantage, etc; yet stuck with a 2% "monkey on my back" of thoughts/feelings/actions the Torah doesn't always applaud.

But doesn't He know me? And doesn't HE care enough to stop bothering me past my limits? Do I have to wait until one kid needs a hospital (Ch'V) and another a mental ward (Ch'V) and I fall apart trying to get to a place not meant for me?  I know this sounds like a depressed and discouraged person on about day 62 of his first attempted streak. But I'm afraid it's deeper; I'm afraid it's not the Y'H; I'm afraid it's really ME, seeing "the wall" and knowing that it's simply time to lie down and take a nap. Preferably while on a long binge of acting out.

And I'm putting this in MY thread instead of the I'M FALLING crisisline because I'm not even sure I want to get up. After all, I tell myself, this isn't an addiction, it's a different set of wiring and it takes a little duct tape & staple gun every so often to keep the machine wired up.

Long, rambling, unfocused post. I wonder if I'll simply take it down tomorrow since there's no question and no answer in it....

Hey buddy you came to the right place

And as koookooreekoo as you sound I betcha I understand ya

Listen there is hope and a point of return for everyone

You know it!!

We just are scared to let go!!

Like a baby without a tzoomy or a bike without training wheels

Its a crutch

You can

And.  U will

Bards

Thanks, Bardy, nice to hear the chizuk of a wise old sage in this dept.

It's just feeling really hard today to 'let go and let G-d' without letting go of the stuff that keeps me going. But I'll pick myself up; rather, H' will pick me up and probably let me believe that it was Me. Until I come to see it otherwise.  Aargh.

Thanks again.

Hey Briut,
How you holding up today?

La-Briut and Beyond!

I'm really grateful for your staying in touch.
When you ask 'how are you,' I assume you don't mean the perfunctory version to which the answer is "Boruch Hashem."
So, how AM I doing? For real?

I'm feeling sorta stuck against a wall right now.
Saw my therapist today, who pretty much validated how I'm feeling, how I got here, and why I'm not yet seeing a way out.

I'm seeing it something like this. Let's say:
1. Out of the 100% of me, about 5% is now dedicated to lust-y things.
2. That 5% consists of, maybe 3% nice torahdike frum-friendly lust, and maybe 2% that's mostly something different.
3. Banishing the 2% shmutz-y lust without having replacements would create a painful vacuum, and is ultimately not a good idea to tackle right now (at least not as one big & quick bite).
4. Turning any or all of the 5% lust into something very different and more rosy -- maybe dveikus or limud Torah or even a non-lustful marital love -- simply doesn't seem like something to plan on (or even work toward). That 5% lust is pretty much hard-wired into my pie chart as a corner for lust.
5. So the BEST I could think to consider is whether there's a way of moving shmutzy-lust into torahdike lust, and of creating the torahdike replacements BEFORE making a plan to banish the 'bad' stuff. (In other words, the replacements would prevent any vacuum, if that makes any sense.)
6. I've thought of helping that transformation by growing my relationship with my wife:  improve the relationship by listening more, sending more love notes, buying more flowers, etc.  For various complicated reasons, though, that approach is NOT feeling like the right mechanism.

So therefore, I'm starting to think that this is NOT the time to focus on transforming my little 2% corner of shmutz into something more pure (even pure & lustful). Which leads me to think... what am I even THINKING to keep going toward day 90 right now? I'm now at about day 63. I've learned a lot. What would I learn in 27 more days, and at what cost to my mental state?

Maybe it wouldn't be a "fall" as it's called. Just a "break" to come up with a more stable PLAN.

Anyhow, I know this contradicts the mission statement of the website and the personal experiences of many who post here. So I know it's not popular. I guess I owe it to you nice guys, and perhaps even myself??, to see if I'm missing something big.

So that's what I mean by 'stuck up against a wall.' I'm incapable of pushing any harder so I should just take a little break by the wall and see where I am when I wake up.

Thanks.

It was the middle of the night.
I found myself tempted to act out.
I couldn't think of a good reason not to.
It seemed so reasonable to "Take a break" from this work.
At least until I can see what would be filling the resulting empty space.

But I didn't.

I was humming the CSN&Y song "Almost Cut My Hair."
(about a 1960s hippie, loyal to the counterculture).
The line: "But I didn't, and I wonder why...
I just felt, like I owed it, to someone...."

So I now ask myself: owed WHAT? and who (or Who?) is "someone."
(No, it doesn't feel like it's for ME, because the stress somehow feels too heavy. It doesn't feel like H' because He knows it's not a good time for tests and not a good idea to take away something that feels good (in short-term) without my having a replacement. It can't be for you guys, because I hardly know thee.  So???)

If you see this and the one post before this... your 2cents might help me gain clarity a little faster.

A gut Choidesh to all!

Yeah, I'm still stuck in a not-so-good place.

I feel as if The Battle is sapping all my energy. Keeping me from focusing on any productive work, whether career or even Pesach prep.

I feel as if my psyche is at its limit in absorbing the mental distraction etc.

I feel as if Hashem isn't about to take the irritability away, so that I have to do this myself.

And of course, there's only one obvious way to me, for taking away this irritability etc.

At least, one obvious enough that I see it in front of me at all times. Acting out.

I can speak such a good game, so it seems, when it comes to posting for others, and even when posting on the work I need to do for myself.

But when the going gets tough, and my flesh is buzzing, and my need to keep it together for wife, kids, career, etc seems to be compelling,

My first instinct is to just give it up, give in, and have a little binge of whatever it takes to feel better.

YET I'M NOT DOING IT. WHY?
EGO, TO 'JUST SHOW THEM GUYS' THAT I AIN'T NO ADDICT & COULD STOP ANYTIME I WANT.
FRUMKEIT, TO SEE IF I HAVE A CHANCE AT PULLING CLOSER TO A 613/613 SCORE IN THE TEST OF LIFE?
ADDICTION, BECAUSE THE Y'H DOES HAVE A PULL ON ME (OR, ON SOME OF ME) BEYOND WHAT I SEE
WIRING SYSTEM, SINCE SOME LUSTS, MIGHT NOT BE AS SIMPLE AS OTHER LUSTS, TO DEFINE... AS LUST
FEAR, OF ANYTHING FROM MY STINKY PARNASSA SITUATION TO EMOTIONAL INTIMACY WITH WIFE TO ???

PART OF ME WANTS TO FIGURE THIS OUT SO 'I' CAN MAKE SOME PROGRESS.
PART OF ME WANTS TO CRY ON TATTY'S SHOULDER (HKB'H) THAT HE'LL WANT TO FIX IT.
PART OF ME SAYS, ENOUGH WITH THE MENTAL M**N HERE: WHO CARES WHY! JUST DO IT.

And while this dialogue continues, I continue my count for reasons I can't really explain.
Day 64.

WOW!

you are incredible!!
what a role model !!

dovinisrael

I saw Dovii's post a few hours ago, but it took me this long to comment.
I was speechless. (A very rare occasion for me, I'll add.)
ROLE MODEL? HUH?

Finally, I took it in that the role to model is nothing more than...
staying in the game... battling the battle...
keeping on trucking, even when the maps are gone and the GPS seems on the fritz.

Never ever ever ever stop being an Eved to the Big Guy Upstairs.
And the eved doesn't need to know the reason for the battle; he's just trying to win one for The Gipper.
Stay in the game! La Briut!

So, Dovii, thanks a million. It wasn't an empty word of chizuk -- it woke me up. Thx.