That change in perspective is great!

Briut wrote on 01 Dec 2010 21:27:


How? I have a suggestion...and although you already know what I'm gonna say, I'll say it anyway. I'll even use your example of the teenager ;D

Your parents have already shown you that they can hide the battery. They've saved you from certain death on dead man's curve. Maybe it's time to stop looking for said battery?

Or, to put it another way, Hashem sent you a very clear message:
Briut wrote on 01 Dec 2010 21:27:


It's a waste of energy - not because you weren't able to do it this time, practically speaking, but because it's inherently a waste of energy. So why keep doing it?

Beautiful.

I relate very strongly with this.  Only in sobriety and recovery can I have the clarity of vision to see the difference between taking and giving.  On the outside they look the same but couldn't be more different in reality.

Jooboy wrote on 05 Dec 2010 22:44:
Thanks, Jooboy, I appreciate the input. It's funny, though, that I'm still really ticked off that she's so weak and so insecure and so etc etc etc that I have no choice but to accept her in this very fragile state. I'm really ticked that she's not stronger.

I know a stronger spouse is not the current reality, and I know it's not my decision how this scene in my life is set. But I know I'm "not there yet" emotionally when I can only be fully supportive by saying to myself, 'oy, nebbach.'

So obviously I've got a long way to go -- either I have to accept this world and all its creations the way He made them, or I'm going to have to become the new Creator of the Universe so I can have it the way I think it's supposed to be. I wonder if Harvard and Yale have graduate programs in Universe Creation. Hmmnn. Because if not....

I hate taking care of people!  Unfortunately I do it for a living.  I also do it a lot for living.  But I still don't like it.  doesn't matter one bit that I get taken care of a lot. 

But...I know the mitzvah is in doing it as against my selfishness.  And then if I'm going to do it, I may as well try to muster up some sincerity and love. 

Who has sincerity and love??? 

But I try anyway.  So it usually starts off with me going through the motions of looking sincere and caring.  That lasts about a second before I'm not liking myself very much.  So I try to dig a little deeper.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes not.  But I learned with my kids, that the sincerity of my intentions seems to count for something.

It's kind of like davening.  I try.  I really try.  And sometimes I'm good for a couple paragraphs.  And if I'm crying, maybe half a page even.  What I learned here on GYE is that it He wants me to try.  Not because of my self centerdness, in spite  of it. 

Your wife hit the jackpot. 

1daat wrote on 07 Dec 2010 04:49:
Actually, I'm not sure WHAT she'll think she's hit.

I just spent an hour with a therapist deciding whether I could really leave this secret in place, or whether I would need to drag it out of her somehow. And yeah, I think I can leave it alone.

But that does leave me with some work to do on my OWN feelings of loneliness, abandonment, sadness, etc that there are some things affecting me where I just don't have any say in the situation. It's really a big fat ugly secret, and I wish we were in it together, but that's not the current reality. Oy.

Anyone have thoughts on how to tackle tough secrets?

See Yechida's post from Manis Friedman called "Have a little respect for privacy the nature of borders" in the Sholom Basis thread.

yechida wrote on 03 Dec 2010 13:59:
Yeah, that's the stuff I keep coming back to do some "work" on, time after time. I know she is who she is, but this thought that she could be something else, something kinder, something gentler, is simply too much for me sometimes. And of course, I'm wrong. Oy. Back to work.

Thanks for the suggestion, Ur-a-jew.

Briut wrote on 08 Dec 2010 01:33:

For me the feelings are tough to hold, for sure.  But even more painful is how alone I feel having to hold these feelings all by myself.  The very person I count on to make me feel not so alone, is the very person that's making me feel so alone.

But at the end of the day Hashem has given me another one of those alone nesses where it's me trying to control my life, my feelings, or letting Him take care of me, one way or another.  Again and again that tough bechira.  What else are we doing here?  Practicing.  Over and over.  In all different iterations of the same simple mitvah.  b'chol l'vavecha...

So, same thing tonight, too. I did some stuff that I knew would leave me irritated (RID) etc... and I did... and it did... so I was annoyed and frustrated etc.

And then went upstairs to see that she couldn't fry the latkes right. And she didn't tell me about the program for later that evening. And the dinner wasn't really ready until soon before I had to leave. And... and and and and and.

And then I stopped. And took everything in my mind's eye to a true extreme that made it easier to appreciate the good in the reality. As in, replacing "she hasn't even driven to the store" with "wow, how amazing that the surgery went so well (?) and she's now walking! Not very fine walking yet, but WALKING. So with that in mind, I can be patient and grateful and everything esle.

Note to file: don't do things that leave you feeling rid-dy. Really.

Good advice!

And dangnabbit, but it's the next day and I'm STILL full of irritation.

It's not going away, but fortunately I can find a kosher (??) outlet for it by calling up people like the credit card folks who got the bill wrong, etc etc. Somehow, complaining bitterly always makes me feel better. Especially to someone who's being paid to listen to it and it's actually their job.

I wish I had a better solution, though, than ruining the day of some poor clerk who probably deserves better. Even though the company really blew it big time....

Suggestions? What works for you?

one word: kickboxing  ;D

kosher as long as you check the bag for shatnez

David/Rage wrote on 09 Dec 2010 19:47:
Compulsive posting. Strict enforcement of 'going through the motions' when genuine motivations fail. Applying years of therapy skills to this newly-discovered set of challenges.

Oh, and chinese food. Lots and lots of chinese food. Co-addiction, obviously.

Is that what you meant, oh outrageous & outraged one?

Nothing works for me!  Not the Shtuss, not GYE, not posting, not even Chinese.  (Now ya wanna talk left over from Pesach non gebrocht Leiber chocolate cake, maybe that helps.  Yeah, I'm pretty sure that helps.)

When I get spun out into my hissy fits, I'm a gonner.  Shmutz is right around the corner.  Nothing helps.  I just gotta stand it.  And when it's getting too much to stand I gotta just do SOMETHING, chos v'sh I should go learn.

Briut wrote on 09 Dec 2010 19:34:

Yeah, that's one of those "nothing helps" kind of insights.
Sounds like it might be getting closer to "Turn to Hashem Time" when all else fails.  Aiy, I just bit my tongue.


Briut wrote on 09 Dec 2010 19:34:

Uh, isn't that a little grandiose? Uh, "ruining the day of some poor clerk who probably deserves better".  At lunch they all get together in the lunchroom and laugh about all the jerks that called in and dumped on them cuz their wives weren't performing up to par.

And, uh, "deserves better"?  What could be better than letting somebody dump their frustrations on one who doesn't care...at all...who makes a mental note to "save this one for the lunchroom.  Seems to me they're doing a Mitvah--being a venue for Hashem...Rephua Shlemah and all that.

1daat wrote on 09 Dec 2010 23:54:
Sorry, 1daat, but I can't believe there's a human being who totally "doesn't care." Who takes the job as an abstraction 100% and can even chuckle in the lunchroom over another person's expressions of grief and aggravation. Whose neshama doesn't hurt on SOME level, even if the nefesh ha'behaima has turned cold as ice. No, can't be.

Or if they have, they might need a recovery program just as much as we do. After all, life is for compassion.

Or am I missing something?