silentbattle wrote on 28 Nov 2010 22:10:
Oy, I DON'T KNOW!! But it's driving me MESHUGA right now! (I leave in the morning.) And I'd like to give HKB'H a big ole present, of saying NO to this temptation. But instead I'm taunting him with "stop me before I <...> again."


These desires have been SUCH a big burden for SUCH a long time, and I'm SO accustomed to just giving things a little breathing room every once in a while. Getting over it without any lapse isn't feeling easy. Why ISN'T it acceptable to just toss it all onto His lap and let HIM get me out of this: because either I can't... or I just plain won't.

Isn't that all the stuff I'm hearing around here -- "I can't, You (i.e., Hashem) can." So let's let HIM (Hashem) do the heavy lifting this time around. But no, I'm not dumping the phone number from the wallet just yet.

Oy.

Try taking the phone number and scribbling out the last three digits.  You can remember three digits right?  Don't ask me why until you've done it.

well, chevra, so far so good. I had a little chat with Hashem last night, and His reaction was, basically, "WOW! You're still in the game! (game= staying clean) You are awesome. But if this one's a little rough on you, just hand it over for a day or two."

So I left on this trip with two mindsets (kavannahs):
1) Connect to kedusha whenever possible, to squeeze out any available time that could connect to aveirah.
2) Remember that the goal of the trip is to have meetings and make money, to provide for the wife and kids, and R' Arush says that's my job. So just stay focused on Job 1.

So I made sure to get to an early early minyan just so I wouldn't miss my train. Otherwise, I might have davened on my own. But I had a minyan, I got to hold the sefer torah, I got the day off on a good start.

Before my meetings, I had a great lunch. It didn't look like there was time for a mincha minyan before the big meetings. But I asked some guy in the restaurant who pointed me toward the same shul I had contemplated but it was too late and too far away. I took it as a siman that connecting  to kedusha was more important than the client. So I called the client and asked if I could put off the meetings for a half-hour. He said yes!! (Wow.) So I davened first b'tzibur and then got to work. First things first. And the meetings went really really great.

I had a great dinner. Went to a fund-raiser show afterward, and enjoyed it, but that left things too late to find any maariv minyan. (Did I say that I'm in Manhattan overnight? And I can't find more than a couple of maarivs after 8 pm and nothing after 10? What kind of sheygitz-dorf is this?)

But as much as I wanted to pick up the phone, I feel Yad Hashem telling me I've got to get back to work and He's helping me along. I know I'm gonna feel like a putz when I avoid my temptation here, but hopefully I'll be long gone before I realize I did nothing but meet people, eat great kosher food (plug for Shalom Bombay on Lex), and find shuls. And once I'm back home, that won't seem like it's so bad.

In other words, Hashem is keeping me clean. Boruch Hashem.

PS: World: what did you mean. I'm not planning on touching the phone number at all -- not to scribble, not to call, and bizarrely not even to destroy. I never claimed to be sane or rational....

being sane and rational is your birthright.
but hey....  whatever works.
happy to see you succeeding.  kot

Briut, thanks for keeping us in the loop with your amazing story
very happy to read about your minyan tales and connecting to kedusha (even though for a minute i thought you were going to stay in touch with our dear esteemed moderator... )
you are awesome

I took a double take (that means went back over what I'd just read) as I got into your last post.  Your story (this one and over all) is such an example of what real gritty t'shuvah can really look like, no holds barred. 

Thanks for sharing that trip with us. 

ps.  got my light box.  thanks again for the kick in the pants.

Kol hakavod - I hope you can feel the exquisite pleasure of doing what's right, and at least living a life that closer to sanity...?

Shalom Aleichem best buddy Bruit,
KUDOS on what appears to have been great hatzlocho and Siyatoh D'Shmayah. Very profound insights!
Yasher Koach for being moser nefesh to daven like a mentch. This is truely a kiyum of emunah b'poel...the importance of davening before embarking on an important endeavor ,shows Hashem that u r depending on HIM  for hatzlocho!

sorry for such a short post, but i spent almost an hour writing this long-winded post and it dropped off the face of the earth. guess Hashem did approve of what i was writing!!! anyway kutgw! does this mean u will throw out the phone number! if u r ever lonely u can call me.
btw next time hop over to Bklyn and u'll have Marivs galore!

Chevra, thanks so much. You know, I generally intend my posts to be sorta "notes to the file" for myself, but for this past business trip I really needed to know that you guys were looking over my keyboard, making sure I didn't fall into any stupid rationalizations that could lead me somewhere... stupid. I appreciate your feedback.

As to the trip, the end is probably the best part of the story! Here--

You see, I never threw away the phone number that would take me to something inappropriate, I never committed to stay away, indeed I kept going back to the mental plan that I'd "get busy" with it as soon as I had free time, etc....

At night, I was able to distract myself with some other fun and there was no time left for anything else. The next day, when my work ended, I figured that FINALLY, here was the time to pick up the phone. I made a mental calculation of whether I had enough time to call and start the aveirah process, and then go back to the hotel for some stuff I'd need, and follow the rest of the motions involved.

And then I had a "whoops" moment and stopped the calculations, because I HAD NOT PACKED THE STUFF I WOULD NEED TO BRING THIS AVEIRAH TO THE FINISH LINE! I WAS NOT PREPARED! THIS COULD NOT HAPPEN!

As soon as I realized "game over," I had this beautiful flash. You see, Hashem knew all along that I hadn't packed the right stuff. (And that it couldn't be replaced (not even in the city that never sleeps and usually looks that way ).) So all my mental anguish throughout the whole trip was completely pointless because Hashem had ALREADY set it up so my suitcase was empty.

The drama was just a stupid waste of energy.

It's sorta like the teenager who wants to sneak out at midnight to drive to a bar with his buds. They meet him at midnight in his driveway, they all get into the car, and... the parents have already removed the battery from the car to make sure it doesn't happen. Teenagers tracht, Parents lacht.

And when I saw 'game over' I realized that all the drama I had put myself through over those couple of days was just so much wasted energy! Wasted because there was no choice from the get-go! Nothing was going to happen because Hashem had sent me with an empty suitcase before my drama even started. So there's point in making any drama -- G-tt lacht!

So I made some money, had good food, got a trinket for the wife & kids, stayed clean (no P&M, no "other project"), and realized that Hashem's gonna hide the car keys before we even argue over whether I can go out with my friends. Wow.

It's like in Hallel -- how'm'I ever gonna repay You for all Your kindnesses to lil ole' me!

looks like you really have Him on your side - ashrecho!

As I read I just kept shaking my head, amazing story!  He's hangin out with you, clearly.  Right down to the details.  thanks for that post.  Ah lichtiger Chanukah, beautiful shalom bayis for the chag and to 120.

A new, challenging situation. I just stumbled on the fact that my wife is keeping a big secret from me. A big fat ugly purple jaw-dropping secret. And she's also walking around more depressed than I've seen her in a long while. And even while I connect the dots from her secret to her depression, I've gotten a flash of something even more enlightening (flash, light, Chanukah, en-light-enment -- how seasonal).

You see, a year ago, I would only have been mad at how "I" have a "right" to be party to the secret and that "she" has injured "me" by not sharing. In other words, all about me me me me . I would want her to share it with me because "I" want/deserve that intimacy.

And now, I can see her own pain at feeling trapped with the secret, and at not feeling safe to let it out even to her own husband, and how she's hurting. So now, I would want her to share it with me because "HER" pain deserves some comfort. And only when she's ready to share.

It's a totally different perspective. It makes me think about how lust can interfere with intimacy. Wow.

Briut, that's heavy. i feel for you. knowing you i think that the outcome will good.

i love the suitcase story. you are part of the WPP (Witness Protection Program) except that instead of the Federal Gov it's the Heavenly Gov and instead of something in the past that you saw, you keep on witnessing things daily.

Briut wrote on 02 Dec 2010 17:31:

I think I'm starting to see how recovery, a different perspective on life, is really HAPPENING!

Such love. Patience.  What a lucky wife.