As my sister used to say, and with deepest apologies to Bill W,

"the serenity to change what I cannot accept...."

Otherwise, there's tefiloh. Because ultimately, there's only HKB'H.

reb bri - dont forget your signature quote!

Briut wrote on 11 Nov 2010 20:44:


Maybe it's "The wisdom to change what I cannot accept"

[I hope Dov isn't looking]

  --Eye.

Hey, sometimes I hope I'm not looking, too!

Gut voch, all.
Q: Let's say that you were in charge of the whole world. And you had a stack of rewards tickets to give out to folks. So you looked around... would you rather give out the reward ticket to somebody who's going to use it wisely and enjoy and tell his friends all about it in a good way, etc... or... give it to the whiner who's been bugging you for it for a long, long time and will perhaps waste all the fun in the ticket by whining about how it came a day late and a dollar short.

Why, I think you'd want to share the gift with the thoughtful, happy guy.

So, if Hashem has some brochos to rain down on the world, don't you think He would, so to speak, want to give the brochos to the folks who would appreciate them and know what to do with them and say thank you for them etc?

So, Hashem, please FILL UP THE GUYS ON THIS WEBSITE. We've always been grateful recipients of all your kindness, and work hard to do the right thing. We want devekikus and we're not going to forget your kindnesses. So give out the reward tickets to us!

Sounds fair to me, bro.

Doc, you should have been a defense lawyer! 

Doc, you're a tzadik.

Gut voch.

Note to file: I'm still struggling with that balance between powerlessness and hishtadlus.

With thinking that Hashem won't help me (ch'v) and doesn't even love me (ditto) unless I work myself into exhaustion and unconsciousness trying to reach a goal.

With thinking that my plans won't interfere with the brochos He wants to give me, even when they're not really the same.

With feeling an obligation to do everything I can according to the goal as I understand it. [Not only do I "proposes, G-d disposes," but that I have to push my end of stuff really hard to give Him an opening to bring me nissim, derech haTeva.]

This is very very deep fundamental core work for me, and it doesn't really seem relevant to my posts here (at least in terms of boring you guys half to death ch'v). I just want to put down on paper (cyberpaper?) how troubled I am by this conflict right now.

In other words, why can't I just RELAX?!

Part of the hishtadlus we have to make is... to be powerless.

We can only try so hard, but the results are up to Hashem.

Probably when we get that feeling like we've knocked ourselves out, we've gone too far.

--Eye.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 14 Nov 2010 19:37:
And when we have that feeling that we've barely done anything, we probably haven't gone far enough. And so the balance is... an enigma wrapped in a mystery. Oy.

I'll keep working on it.

Briut wrote on 15 Nov 2010 01:49:
And when we have that feeling that we've barely done anything, we probably haven't gone far enough. And so the balance is... an enigma wrapped in a mystery. Oy.

I'll keep working on it.
[/quote]

Could be true.  But, I think, as neurotic addicts (i.e. N/A), we love to tell ourselves we haven't done anything, though we've done lots.  It makes us feel good to feel bad, and then gives us an excuse to act out.

--Eye.

I worked on the same thing for a long time since coming to gye.  Had to lower the bar.  Where the bar is for me now, minimal level of hishtadlus, is to turn away from the thrill, and to turn to Hashem.  This is so difficult enough, but doable.

A few minutes ago I took a second peek at an old fantasy that "sprung to mind".  I haven't been in that kind of trouble for a while.  So I opened up gye, there was a message from you, and I think maybe I'm safe for now.  I got over the bar.  I turned away from the thrill and turned to Hashem.  And while I did make the turn, He brought your message right when i needed it.  It took Him, and you.  For me that's my little bechira, my little work. I think that's what He's given me to work on for now. That's plenty enough, thank you very much..

Does making that little choice get easier?  And does it stop popping up so often?

As the AA folks say, "Easy does it".

Does that even pertain to what you wrote? 

I'd say my challenge is, whenever I hear the AA voice say 'easy does it,' I have to stifle/overlook the other voice saying that keeping it 'easy' equals 'loser, weakling, incompetent.'

My mindset is that a real 'winner/gibbur/master' would clear the bar even if it's Mt Everest.

It's a bad rule for living, yet one I find difficult to shake. And I suppose when I can't shake that negative feeling, I'm all the closer to just to feel good again. My wife asked me last night, during a very beautiful and warm conversation at bedtime, when the last time was that I felt truly "relaxed." I can't even confess to YOU GUYS how long it's been. I think it's connected.

Perhaps there are times when mediocrity is really perfection!

Some of us were truly "relaxed" when we were 3 months old right after being fed, burped, and changed.....it made perfect sense to us to just chill, cuz as far as we could tell, everything was being taken care of by the omnipotent and omniscient superbeing who was holding us and cooing at us.

Boy. Those were the days.

Kagomul alei imo, kagamul alai nafshi! (Tehillim somewhere)

One day we will all realize that "everything is being taken care of" still applies to our necessarily hishtadlus-ridden existence. AA's call that "getting rocked to sleep."

Ni how mah...

HKB'H gave me a very nice comforting sign this afternoon. I've had on my mind, all day, this idea of hishtadlus versus acceptance. (I love the line, "I'm not all that talented; I'm just really lucky; and the harder I work, the luckier I seem to get.")

And I walked into mincha. And by the sinks were CDs of The Shmuz (I love those). And the one for sale was about something like "Hishtadlus vs Emunah: Making the Balance." (Do you think I bought one?!)

Sometimes, it's the little messages that mean more than the big lightning shows. He thinks about me all the time. If only I would listen more.