Hi, everyone. Yeah, thanks for asking and checking in. Anyhow... I'm still clean; still counting; still working at it.

I've gotten down to some deep work... work that I'd rather avoid, but I'm afraid it's time. You see, giving up on the shmutz and acting out means... giving up on the idea that I would continue fantasizing and even acting upon desires for other men. Which for decades has seemed like "just part of who I am." Which means that giving it up is like giving up part of who I am. (Or so it feels....)

You see, for the rest of you giving up "all this" seems great. You're clean; you're free; you're back on the 613 track; whatever. For me, I had so carefully built my life around this "inconvenient truth" of my se*ual orientation that changing it feels like a piece of me is gone. There's a pain I don't think you folks have.

And maybe there's yet another level... I had come to tell myself that this weaving of mitzvah and aveirah was actually G-d's intent for me. Which means if I give it up, just maybe I was wrong from the beginning. (Let me explain: I saw an article in the paper... shul loses Rav after 40 years; new one wants to make the mechitza higher. Congregants go crazy against the suggestion. Why? BECAUSE CHANGING IT NOW WOULD MEAN HAVING TO ADMIT THAT FOR 40 YEARS THEY WERE WRONG.)

In my heart of hearts, I still believe that what I was doing in the past was as much as I could give the RBS'O. And now, He's given me the strength to do more, and that's what I'm doing. I'm no more or less a gibbur than earlier. An eved Hashem goes where He leads us. Period. But still, giving up such a big piece of self-image is simply huge.

Imagine if you were deaf for 50 years and suddenly got 2 cochlear implants. You could hear, sure, but you wouldn't be welcomed at the annual deaf parties anymore. Your life would look... different. And you'd no longer be "the deaf guy."

Don't know if that rambling makes sense, but that's been on my mind lately. If you get 60% of this, please ask me about the other 40% so I can try to explain it better and hence clarify it for myself, too.

Much love. - Briut

Great to hear that youre doing good.  As they say in GYE land Keep on Truckin.

Briut wrote on 27 Sep 2010 01:53:


I think we all have an element of this in us.  For me its watching movie videos.  As much as I know that they're bad for me the notion that staying clean means never watching another one for the rest of my life is something that I cannot really swallow.  There have been times that I've gone over a year without looking at one.  But to say to myself that I'm never going to watch again is simply too much for me to commit too.  I feel like I'll just be missing out on something and how can I possibly never watch another one again.  So for now as bad as I know that they are for me even relatively clean ones, I just have to go little by little.

Good luck and a Gutten Moed. 

i get it. this is a part of you that was important, that held you apart and made you unique. it's a chunk of what made you YOU. or so you thought.

you know, going back to that story of the shul that got upset about raising the Mechitzah after 40 years...they are so silly. why view it the way they do?
why not view it with a forward angle. that now we are going to have a BETTER Mechitzah b/c we are yidden and yidden are always growing and improving.

in the past you were perhaps confused. there were things about this whole topic you didn't know about, did not understand, or were mislead in.
now you are working on being a BETTER you. not that you were 'wrong' or 'horrible' or this is a part of you that must be slashed out and replaced.

when working on oneself, sometimes its helpful to ignore the past a little and just look forward and work towards the future

the fact you make an effort means you are an amazing person. keep on trucking, Bruit!

While I can't speak for you, Briut, I can safely say that every now and then I inconveniently discover that I have been wrong all along...about other people, about G-d, about whatever. Your story strikes a nerve for me. They say that Rav Sa'adia Gaon was a guest unrecognized by his innkeeper till the last day of his stay. The innkeeper came in grovelling at the Gaon's feet, and said something like, "Had I known you were the great Gaon, I'd have behaved entirely differently to you. I am so ashamed!" He heard no response and looked up - but no Rav Sa'adia...then he saw the Gaon was on the floor with him, but sobbing. He heard him saying, "Hashem! Each day I come to know Your Ways more clearly. In light of today's growth, the way I behaved toward you yesterday seems so pathetic, so silly. Forgive me for it, please!"

Now, people may have told the same story about whoever else, but the point I want to make is that we are all wrong about lots of stuff. That's what we are: wrong about lots of stuff. And it seems that we'll always be. Maybe it's the only way to get some humility.

It's nice to be in the same club with a man like you.

Adios!

Mr teddy that was a beautifull post.
. Mr briut I  want to share that when i was first married and lived in EY i usdd to take the buses. On the buses i was exposed to such a variety of women that i could write a book on my escapades. I decided to try not to look. After a short while i stopped trying not to look. I FELT THAT THE SOURCE OF ALL JOY AND LIFE WAS IN LOOKING AT WOMEN. iI FELT I WOULD DIE IF I WOUDNT LOOK. From that moment on i was a addict.

I love that "Tinuk Sh'nishba" excuse.  You can have done the worst things in your past, and feel little or no guilt for it.  "What did G-d expect from me if that's the situation he put me into."

Then, when we finally discover the truth, it's only to our merit that we change.  And change can be gradual, and gradual change is usually advisable.  G-d only expects from us the best we can do, and sometimes that's the best we can do, and--usually--gradual change is the only thing we can do that will last.

--Eye.

Briut

Just adding to all the abuse  . You never (Or at least for a long time) thought that the state you were living in was Ok, you thought it was the best you can do.

Perhaps it was.

But now you understand that you can do better, maybe it's only now that you can, it's not a condemnation of the past 30 years of your life, that was all you were capable of then.

But now I'm afraid to tell you, G-D wants more from you. You know it, we all know it.


Easy? No. But who said it was supposed to be?

Gut Moed, my friend.

Anybody wants some extra abuse, just let me know, OK?

dov wrote on 27 Sep 2010 16:41:


oh me! me! pleeeeeeeeeeeease PICK MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Eye.nonymous wrote on 27 Sep 2010 11:08:
Me3 wrote on 27 Sep 2010 15:22:
dov wrote on 27 Sep 2010 03:45:
desperate_teddybear wrote on 27 Sep 2010 02:59:
Wow. Thanks for everything, friends! What warm and wonderful chizuk.

I guess my first reaction is that (apologies to Dov, shlita) I'm not buying the idea I was "wrong" in the past. Instead, I buy the message that I might have been correct in those past moments... but the past is past. In the current moment, the RBS'O is asking me for more AND giving me the koach to give it. There's nothing else to say (except maybe, "Yes, Sir, I'd be HAPPY to").

There's another reason I want to focus on being "tinuk sh'nishba" (or at least "b'oness") rather than "I was wrong." You see, even if I AM "mistaken" about the "oness" category, I find it better to view the current moment's challenge as an "upgrade" and not requiring some heavy t'shuva for 20 years of so-called "wrong." I figure there's plenty of time in the future to consider whether I'm chayiv for tshuva... ONCE I'VE MADE THOSE CHANGES (and not before). I've already got enough to do! In other words -- change FIRST, analyze (and do tshuva if needed) LATER.

So, I'm forging ahead. Going out of town next week and giving (serious?) thought to one (last?) two-day binge so I can get it out of my system and observe how stupid the whole "temptation" is. But I'm afraid I know I can't. Oy.

At least the deaf man getting cochlear implants (see earlier post) has a little notice that the operation is coming that will rock his world forever; I got tossed into this scene without even knowing it! Oy, again.

Thanks again, buddies. You be de best!

Briut wrote on 28 Sep 2010 14:28:

THAT'S EXACTLY THE IDEA that kept me sane for the many years of this struggle before I found GYE.

I think, with that, I managed to keep treading water instead of getting sucked totally into it.

I saw the more I analyzed my undesireable behavior, the more bogged down I would get, and that led me to just doing it even more.

  --Eye.

just wanted to check in and say hatslocho with the new madreigoh! we're all rooting for you!

personally i never find that method works for me. for me it's always the YH trying to get me to procrastinate something super important by convincing me im not yet ready.

tell me how it goes and if it works for you?

KOT bro

desperate_teddybear wrote on 29 Sep 2010 05:18:
Well, DTB, you caught me. I know I'm rationalizing, and I suspect I'm not really gonna go for it, but even the planning is lowering my irritability (RID) in a good way. I'll keep you posted, both if I actually follow through and what the decision feels like after it's made. Thanks for keeping me on the straight and narrow, buddy.

A sincere wish that this Bereshis ushered in a new and holy madreiga for everyone here.

As to me, I had one moment on Simchas Torah that rocked me a little. I remembered how addicted I am to perfectionism!! Even perfectionism in my GYE work. And how I fear that even one fall would make me unlovable. Unlovable by my fellow humans (incl wife, family, etc), but even unlovable by the RBS'O -- Ch'V.

For me, the quest to "perfectly" seek "perfection" is... POISON. In fact, I'm allowed to slip, even to fall. When I allow the battle to mess up my moods and social interactions and mental state etc (or at least when I feel powerless to remain calm in the battle), I think I need to remember I'm not expected to be perfect. Not even perfect in seeking to be perfect. And that I can still know the love of the RBS'O, the love of a good wife, the love of my self. That He will help me with a hug and not a potsch.

I've been feeling like the guy on the website's front page with the tightrope walk between the skyscrapers. One slip and it's gone -- a paralyzing thought. The whole world might be a narrow bridge, but maybe the ikkar is simply to avoid fearing our own imperfections as we cross through. Some battles we'll lose, at least for now, and He'll still have a good place waiting for us in this world and the next. And I don't need to punish myself to the end of time for an effort that's only a B+.