silentbattle wrote on 02 Sep 2010 20:20:
Yep, SB, I've been thinking a lot about that. I think I have a whole medicine cabinet full of 'drugs' for various emotions. Anyone who's working through an 'addiction' model for that 'drug' would say I'm an addict. Such as:
> There are a few foods I love as a 'reward' for a good job, or a 'comfort' when I'm feeling blah. So I guess I have an unhealthy relationship with food. Soveia, here I come.
> I have some painful physical conditions requiring medication sometimes. So I guess I'm 'addicted' to painkillers. I think lots of NA members started with post-surgery or other 'legitimate' uses of narcotics.
> I've started having a beer (or cocktail) as I start my Erev Shabbos prep. I really enjoy it, and it helps my mood enough that the family likes being around me (instead of my earlier grumpy self). So I guess I'm an alcoholic. Move over, Bill W (i.e., AA).

I could go on and on. But somehow I see the thought of living without these 'addictions' as unlikely as a diabetic joining Insulin Anonymous. To find a "kosher substitute" for aveiros, MAYBE. But to live without either the addiction or some surrogate that may be just another addiction ... difficult to even imagine.

I've never used my medicine cabinet to overdose, and I've never "used heavy machinery" while under their influence. So I've always felt immune to any call to simply walk (run?) away. But to consider the very act of reaching for a pill is a serious addiction that can be "cured" ... I'm just not there yet.

Through G-d, all things are possible. Yet even so....  Thoughts, chevra?

Day 180.
Twice 90.
Or, a full turn-about around a circle.

A day to celebrate. And I'll try to!

And also, sadly, a day when I've spent the time I should have used for yomtov cooking and cleaning... surfing through youtube looking for 'something.' I haven't read the rulebook much, but I'm pretty sure that's a bad slip.

Ouch.

I'm still relatively confident that my kaballa to continue through R'H (and then surely another one for Y'K) will hold steady. But this driven desire for a "just a little buzz" is awful.

I wonder where it's coming from....

Oh, no-o-o-o-o! (Palms in cheeks in Munch-like scream of horror.) I had this flash. And I don't like it. At all. Namely:

It's ALL a drug. All the habits, vices, substitute vices, everything. What I use to feel better is usually just... a drug. And I'm starting to think the goal must be to get drug-free. Argh.

You see, I distracted myself from my RID this week... by rewarding myself with my favorite food. And then realized I was just using food as a drug -- to avoid the pain of the RID. I wasn't escaping the first drug (P*M), I was just moving to some other drug. Getting off that second drug would just involve moving on to a third drug. Ad infinitum. Chad Gadya.

No, the job has got to be to get drug-free. Abuse free. Addiction free. So I don't think sushi can replace the p**n (even if it could). I have to give up the p**n all by itself, for its own sake. No replacement "pleasures" allowed.

Oh, n-o-o-o-o-o!! How the (4LW) do I do THAT?!  Aw, man... some days I hate all this brutal honesty stuff. Why can't I just curl up with a coupla drinks, fattening food, a computer, and (what other abuses drug me and distract me...).

But Hashem, why do I HAVE to give up all these drugs, these interesting distractions? You see, L-rd, even if I took "drugs" of abuse all these years, I never overdosed; never killed anyone; never hit bottom. So, if smokers can chew gum and drinkers can O.D. on club soda, why can't I take comfort in a kosher substitute to p&m?

I'm starting to realize that I can't, but couldn't Tatty tell me WHY?? Thanks, Ta.

just a thought:
i think the majority of people, jews and non-jews alike, frum or not frum, all have their pleasure-activities. Socializing, reading a book, jogging, biking, eating, drinking, tanning, stamp-collecting, etc. For a frum jew you might include learning, collecting tzedaka, being a Hatzoloh member, Chaveirim, Shomrim, Bikur Cholim, giving shiurim, counseling congregants, etc. while these last ones are mitzvos and halevai we should all use them as our outlet, for some people they are the "fun" that they have. this does not the diminish the value of these mitzvos. but if an honest cheshbon was made, what is motivating me to learn or collect tzedaka, it is not 100% altruistic. probably more like 5% altruistic. it is done for the good feeling of "i am doing what is right and true, and i also enjoy it". Which is great and is the ideal for a lot of people. for others it is a starting point on the road to real Lishmah.
Point I am trying to make is that I don't think Hashem wants you to give up on trying to relax or have fun. not at all. he wants a well-rested and clear-headed Briut. with a sense of humor. not a monk.
the challenge is to find the right "fun" and not to get drawn into the fun in a way that destroys our life or the ones around us.
just my two cents (before breakfast, so might be missing a few nutrients). YMMV

Just another thought...


Have a great Rosh Hashana!

  --Eye.

Briut wrote on 07 Sep 2010 00:25:


""Chad Gadya"?!  This is crackup of the week.

My Chad Gad ya went soft drugs, hard drugs, sex, food, people glomming, sex, did I mention sex?.  Then it went to sex, food,  codependent people eating.  Then to sex and food.  And now, for today, Be'ezrat, and only be'ezrat "H  its down to food.  Not quite up to the seriousness of shmutzaholicness, but baby step by baby step.  Yum, yum.  uh.. I mean yom yom.

Somehow I knew I couldn't handle letting go of all my best friends at once.  Hashem is so patient and gentle.

L'shana Tova un a gutte yontif, un a gutte yor

Eye, thanks for the reality check. The reality is that Rosh Hashana is more important than any introspection right now. Even more important than any change now. Just Rosh Hashana itself.

Be. Here. Now.

May we ALL be bentsched with brachos from Hashem in ways better than we would ever have imagined to ask for. And to use those brachos for good - kulo tov.

Well, I'm sorta curious about every else's R'H. Please post here if there's something you'd like to share with me.

Okay, I'll go first.... I was really hoping The King (not Elvis...) would give me a little clarity from my various flavors of emotional stress. My davening wasn't bringing me any clarity. Not Shacharis, not Mincha, not at night, not at Shacharis the second day.

And then. That Awe & Wonder moment.

Musaf. Second Day. "Why can't you give me a little hint, HKB'H?! Live, die? Rich, poor? Nu?" And still, nothing. But all the same, I ascended the Duchan for Birkas Kohanim. And right smack in the middle or things, the sky suddenly got very light and I heard a voice. "V'ani Avarchem." I knew its meaning immediately. Namely...

When H' commands the Kohanim to bentsch Bnei Yisroel, the possuk says, basically, "the Kohanim should give the brocha, and I'll bless them." Rashi explains the vague grammar: "Kohanim should provide (a channel for Hashem's) brochos (to Bnai Yisroel) and I will bless them (namely, the Kohanim offering the blessing)."

In other words, the voice was saying, "Briut, if you can still make yourself into a clear pipeline for My brochos to the kehilla, even with all you've got going on, I will surely bless you. Thanks for being on the team."

HaMelech yaaneni, b'yom kareni. Hope your yomtov was at least this good.

here is a thought/feeling i came away with this Rosh Hashana.

We say Unesaneh Tokef kedushas hayom... (at least if you are Ashkenazi you say it )and to be honest it starts off pretty serious and sounds a little morbid, who shall die, who shall live, by fire, by water, strangulation, stoning, etc.
If you ever heard Rabbi Dovid Orlofsky speak about the Yomim Noraim (and you definitely should - he is on simpletoremember.com) he brings it out very well, "you are going to DIE", question is only how. anyway, as i was saying it and thinking about the words I thought to myself that Rabbi Orlofsky sounds pretty much on the money. We are all going to die, question is just how. somewhat depressing.

I realized that I was focusing on the first two paragraphs and getting stuck there and through the haze of tears and sadness (literally and figuratively) not realizing what the next paragraphs say. emes ki ata yotzrom, veata yodea yitzram, ki lo sachpotz bemos hames, ki im beshuvo midarko etc.

seems to me that the beginning two paragraphs are illustrating the ways and means Hashem uses to get your attention. all the judgments, death, pain, suffering etc. are ways for Hashem to get your attention.

but what does Hashem want? he wants one thing, ki LO sachpotz bemos hameis, ki im Beshuvo midarko vechaya. He is not out to get you, not looking for you to die.

and He knows your flaws and limitations better than you do, because he made you. He wants an honest effort. a step in the right direction. He wants his dear sons and daughters to connect with him.

to me this changes the perception of the Yomim Noraim. Yes, Hashem sits in judgement and it is a life-and-death matter but it is not like Hashem is asking you to do the impossible. He is kind and understanding and all He wants is honest effort, to the best of your capability.

a G'mar chasimah tova to all on this holy forum and all klal yisrael.

Your question about Rosh Hashana reminded me of something.  Here's something I just posted in my thread, but I thought you'd like it here, too:

Quick Thought about Rosh Hashanah--

I said to my wife that it feels kinda' uneventful this year.  Just another Shacharis, Mincha, Maariv.

She said--we'll because it's all about accepting Hashem as King, and putting OUR will aside and accepting HIS will.  And THAT'S exactly what we've been working on for months now!  (Thanks again to GYE and DC's 12-step calls).

--Eye.

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 13 Sep 2010 16:45:


I agree.  We don't even have to wait to get to unsane tokef to see this.  In zochrono l'chaim we say "melech chofetz bchaim" which the meforshim explain based on the same possuk we say in unasne tokef "ki lo sachpotz bmos hameis."  Hashem doesn't want me to die from my sins, He wants me to do teshuva and live.  The thought that here I am just violating His will constantly and what does He want, not to kill me or punish me, but that I should do teshuva.  And to top it off He sends us a website like GYE to make it that much easier.  No wonder we follow it up with Mi Chomocha Av Harachaman.  Who has as much mercy on their children and Hashem our Av Harchamun has on us.

Gmar Chasima Tova. 

beautiful, Ur-a-jew!
thanks

knock knock, anybody home?

how are you doing Briut? doing kaparos and tashlich shouldn't take three days...

a Gmar Chasima Tova to you

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 16 Sep 2010 18:32:

I agree you've been way too quiet.  Bruit, I hope everything is okay.  A Gut Year.

LaBriut, how have you been?

--Eye.