Except I'm still holding back. For some reason. That I can't put my finger on.

*GROAN!!* OH NO, NOT ANOTHER LONG POST FROM STEVE AGAIN??!!    :o > :'(

We had a fantastic understanding on the call today. The difference between counting the days of sobriety, and living one's life in recovery.

We've all been there, in the beginning of amassing clean days, when we were "white knuckling" our way thru the days. Where does that moshul come from?

Didja ever ride or watch a rollercoaster? Are you fearless or fearful when you ride one?

What do the scared people do? They grab onto the bar in front of them for dear life, so hard their knuckles turn white. What are they afraid of? Well, they don't trust the ones who made and operate the train: "Maybe my car will fall off, maybe the seat belt will break, maybe I'll fall out, maybe the operator will be shmoozing on the cell phone and we'll crash into another train, etc."

But what do the confident people do with THEIR hands? They throw them in the air and scream with delight as they enjoy the ride!! Why aren't they afraid? Because they TRUST the designer and operator of the train that they know what they're doing: "The train is made well and safe, the speed is calculated for the centrifugal force to keep us in the seats when upside down, it's so safe I can put my hands in the air, not hold on, and enjoy the excitement and the rush of the wind by my ears!"

All of life is a rollercoaster. And Who built it? Hashem. Who runs the ride? Hashem. If we think it's all up to us, we can't accept it that we're not in control, then we hang on scared for dear life. But if we TRUST in Hashem, creator and operator of all of life, and the things which come our way, then we can relax and enjoy the ride.

Duvid Chaim put it VERY well, when he said that yaknow, we're all human, and many of us along our journey might slip and fall for a short moment. He said "I care less about the QUANTITY of days in sobriety before the fall; I care more about the QUALITY of the recovery before the fall."

Yes, it's important to build both consecutive and cumulative day counts of cleanliness and sobriety. But that's not where it should end, it's not where we're gonna find happiness. We must ask "what is the QUALITY of those days?" Am I going thru my life afraid, full of tension and RID, "white knuckling" my way from Modeh Ani until Hashkiveinu? Or am I living life with my hands in the air, enjoying my days by handling life's curveballs without the RID, a life of recovery where the Lust Urge is either on the fringe or not even on the radar, where I don't even have the DESIRE to Lust?

Kol HaKovod to all the brave men and women who have taken the bold steps to free themselves from their Lust, and valiantly push to get as many clean days under their belt as they can. Your strength and perseverance are amazing, and a testimony to the purity of your beautiful neshomos.

But that's not the final destination. And you know it.

To be truly free is to be living in Recovery. Contentment, and purpose in sharing and giving strength to other strugglers. Shaking off the Lust urges, which are now light taps on the shoulders, flicking them away like a pesky fly. Lifting your hands in the air with love of life, and beseeching Hashem for more life so you could be Davuk with Him.

The 12 Steps are a Program for Recovery from addiction. It offers promises of recovery which are REAL and ATTAINABLE, but we must WORK the STEPS with willingness and effort.

Love to all of youz guyz (n' galz), and best wishes for an AWESOME Shabbos!!

Steve

So I finally see that fueling the fire with a slip is a self-destructive act. It doesn't satsify the taiva and actually makes it stronger.

I'm asking about how you would live WITHOUT A DRUG. Period. Life where the GYE activities are gone and NOT replaced by a substitute drug crutch."