Announcement.

Several events recently have felt awful. BIG stuff: involving close family members on pretty huge topics.

I've realized Hashem is trying to tell me something. The "little" stuff didn't do it, so the message had to escalate. His message: what I'm doing on GYE is important to Him. Dear to Him. Really dear. Personally. It's a very very loving feeling, even if the vehicle might feel a little harsh right now.

I've been running away from this message (that He's saying "it's time") ever since I arrived here. I've found that (against all odds) I COULD succeed at this GYE work. Whoa. A whole new "orientation" on life. And I'm afraid (very afraid) I've got to listen. To do otherwise would be... very, very... wrong.

So I still don't know if I can stay 'clean,' forever. But the goal is one day at a time, eh?  And if this really is so intimate a relationship, then He's gonna be with me one day at a time, too. So... I've got to do something big. Otherwise, these awful wake-up calls aren't going to end! SO...

IN THE ZCHUS OF THE (FAMILY MEMBERS) FACING THE (THREATENING SITUATIONS), AND IN THE GREAT LOVE THAT HKB'H AND I HAVE FOR ONE ANOTHER...

I WILL (B'N IY'H ETC) TAKE ON THE KABALLAH TO KEEP GOING THRU ROSH CHODESH. (I MIGHT UPDATE IT TO 9 B'AV.)

Hashem should give me the strength to do this while still allowing me to act warmly to all others (esp my children, and most of all wife). He should give me signs and gifts and brochos to encourage me and show me that He's really really right here with me. And give me no challenge too painful to tackle. And give only good decrees to all those I'm davening for.

Daven with me, buddies. And who else wants to join me in a march to Rosh Chodesh -- perhaps as an accountability partner.... Gotta end this post. The thought that this (lusty) chapter of my life might be closing is enough to make my hands shake.

Obviously we have no idea of what you are goin through buddy, but in the zechus of all the humor, chizuk, help, wisdom, and insight that you have provided to so many....may Hashem help you through whatever it is in the best of health and spirits.

Your friend

Shmendrick

Okay, a little more explanation (see Friday's post) and an update.

It looked like something truly awful was happening to my kid, Ch'V. Something sudden, but something we've seen before and could always treat. Yet this time, it didn't look like the treatment would work. Which could be (ch'v fatal). VERY scary.

And of course -- it happened on the very day that I not only 'slipped' here but was looking at the calendar for a good day to 'fall.' I felt like I just needed a little break from all the nonstop intensity of this GYE work.  Well, I saw the connection. It's not a coincidence. Misuse the 'seed' (zera) and injure the 'seed' (doros). Whoah....

But instead of getting fearful, or angry, or whatever... I felt surrounded by love. Here was Hashem telling me very personally that my actions here made a big difference to Him. Enough to get Him personally involved. Wow. So I decided to keep going in the GYE work and daven for salvation from the drama. The kaballah and my tefilos were all I could give.

And we just heard back from his doctors. He's fine. Better than fine. In fact, the same doctor who said he might not make it to the next school year was standing up, waving his arms, and screaming at us, "he's fine; he's normal; he's just great; why do you worry; there's nothing we need to do for him." And each phrase was screamed, with pauses, like a major mussar shmuz. Which it was.

So I guess I'm back in the game. HKB'H really does care about me and my game, and He's gonna keep the lights lit into overtime. My own kaballah, for now, is to keep going until Rosh Chodesh. That's about as close to "one day at a time" as I can see. In the meantime, I can only daven that the One who brought this open nes will continue showering me with undeserved kindness for many years. (Unlike Dov, below, I'm not strong enough to grow from suffering; I grow best from love.)

I heard a little boy this Shabbos singing the last line of Adon Olam, over and over... Ado-nai li, v'lo eera (Hashem's with me, I will not fear). He was like some little shepherd boy to me, reminding me that there's no need to fear. I got it.

Anyone else gotten this kind of wake-up call to get started or keep going with this work?

In the light of morning, I am thinking,
HOW THE HECK AM I GONNA DO THIS? Oy.

Help me out here, guys....

i wish i cpuld say something to make it automatically good, i cant.

all i can do is tell you what is already so pobvious to you, the giver of your life, the creator of this universe is so obviously loving you and hugging you!!!


hug back!!!!!!! thnak him, learn more do whatever, it may help....

you go my teacher!!

The only wake-up call I ever get is when I find myself starting to lust. As soon as I realize that my @$$ is grass should I continue, I feel so frantic and scared inside and seek help by calling anybody real on the phone just to talk about anything real....then share the entire mess at the next meeting. The result has always been a reworking of my first step. A new acceptance of the fact that I am an addict, vulnerable, and very allergic. That means more serious, real work.

Baruch Hashem all is well. Ken Zine it was the koach of the Kabalah which was a z'chus for you???

I think I'm figuring out what's going on here. What I'm mourning is NOT the loss of the . It's NOT the difficulty of the work that might be ahead. Instead, it IS...

giving up the tired old vessel that I'd built to manage my se*uality in the context of frumkeit, marriage, parenting, and all the other little incompatible corners of my life. I thought that vessel was so useful, so brilliant, even a Kiddush H'.

Jumping into this work... for the rest of my life (ODAAT)... means saying goodbye to that tired old vessel. I miss my old friend, and I fret that I won't find the new friend to be as rewarding.

On the other hand, these recent messages reinforce that Hashem is not just saying, "sure, you MAY give this up (whenever you're ready) and I'll help." He's really saying, "you MUST give this up. Now. I'm here to help, but you don't have the luxury of postponing even another day. Nineveh, NOW."

I suppose that if Hashem is sending me very clear messages, then I have to "believe" that everything He's bringing me is good. Very good. And I have to jump in. Now. Otherwise, I'm a kofer.

Is it kefirus to acknowledge that I'm a little sad and more than a little scared? Maybe not, if I'm willing to daven to Him that the transformations happen with ease, fun, open miracles, and abundance of everything good.

Having davened for that, I guess I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille. Let's do it.

Gulp.

Briut - My heart goes out to you. At the same time, I'm amazed. Clearly, you're a very special person, because hashem is responding to your calls to him. Although we both know that you can't rely on that.

I could be wrong, but I think that as we adjust to clean life, it takes less constant effort to keep working on it - and at that point, we can start to focus our energies more on other areas of our lives, as well. In addition, as you already know, part of recovery is focusing on other areas, and continuing to grow in all areas of life.

And when you feel like "how can I do this?" Remember that really, this is something that you want, and it's just an old, bad habit that's making it difficult. And you know that's true.

Also, maybe I misunderstood Dov, but I don't think he was saying that he grew from the suffering - but rather, as a result of getting sober, he faced the suffering that was there all along.

Dov?

Briut,

This is such a crazy, scary story with your son.

I'm crying just thinking about it. I love my children so much...I would never do anything to hurt them...would I? would any of us?

Keep strong, my friend.

Y

Okay, guys, if you haven't kept up with the story line here, you should drop back about 5 posts for the background.

Today's installment:  I've been asking Hashem to give me signs that He really does want me to do this NOW, and that He really WILL make the path clear for success. Wrong perhaps to taunt G-d, but I really feel I'll lose it unless I see Him with me every moment.

Yesterday was small stuff, like, "hey, you think I could grab this spare on the bowling lanes?" But today was big.

I asked for some help in parnassa. I looked in my email where some projects sometimes come in unsolicited. And today, within three hours, THREE new projects fell into my email box. Statistically impossible. But then again, "is anything too great for Hashem?"

It's easier to keep going when I can really feel that He is here to help me succeed, to cheer me on, to make it easy, and to allow me to taunt Him (so to speak) into passing on some undeserved blessings. Wow.

(PS: There's a common theme among the "I cure gays" crowd that gay men simply lack the love of their own father and turn to others for that comfort. I HATE that theme. But when I think of what it means to me that my Father is showering blessings upon me, far more than my own father z'l ever did, I do get a little misty-eyed. I just hope those "I cure gays" folks won't claim me as their poster child, 'cause that ain't what brought me here and it ain't what's gonna keep me going.)

And, (Not)AAOT, thanks for your beautiful chizuk. Means a lot.

Personally, I am totally unconcerned whether it is k'firah or not. If you feel it, then - you feel it. We are all a shtik'l kofers, anyway....obviously. The Chofetz Chayim writes that doing any aveiro in general is a bit of k'firah automatically. The way I work my steps the salient point of them is precisely to eliminate the kind of k'firah that the Chofetz Chayim was referring to, and nothing else, really. They are certainly not about "not lusting, drinking, etc."...

I am with you. The replacement - "my new friend" as you refer to it - must be at least as good as my old friend (lust, porn, etc.) was, or else I will surely go back to the schmutz! That's all plain to me. If the program is just about getting more inspired to be a better person, then it is all BS, as far as I am concerned. It's gotta be much more, like about getting the real relationship and losing my old way of relating to G-d, which it turns out, was riddled with the kind of k'firah that I believe you are referring to.

Hatzlocha. Nobody can really help you much with that in the end, it's ultimately up to us alone.

dov wrote on 30 Jun 2010 03:24:


Yeah. I see. Too bad there's no '90 day chart' to dveikus and bitachon....

I wish more of the guys here had listened to popular music. Who remembers the source for "...and in the end, the love you take... is equal to the love you make." [Hint: the album was fairly colorless, I think]

Thanks, Dov, for the thoughts.

The pure love that you generate towards others comes back to you in equal measure. At the end of your life, the purity of your mind as reflected in the selfless love that you have generated in the past, attracts the corresponding positive forces, which help support you in the transition to your next life. 

Gotta love those Beetles.

Thank you for the post on Sci1977...yes, I'm blessed to have such a pure and selfless friend.

I give you a bracha with all of my heart that you should be zoche to find one soon!

Y

thanks....


[and FYI: I've been humming it all day:
"and in the end: the love you take, is equal to the love... you make." ] wow.


And I wanna take a second to extend this same, simple "thanks" to all the folks who've been posting all their chizuk these past couple of weeks. I haven't acknowledged each one as they came in, but the truth is that each one has been very helpful in reminding me the "why" as in "why bother to keep going." You each deserve a chelek in any of the good that might come out of all this. Thanks.