Day 101... Mazal Tov!!

It is great to know that, despite your struggles, you have kept on the road. Very inspiring. 101 days is a real special accomplishment. You should feel very, very good. Mazal Tov!!

Isn't 101 the suffix to any beginners course? Perhaps this is a new beginning, not only in physical restraint, but in understanding. Again, mazal tov and hatzlocha rabbah!!!

Mazel Tov Briut!
you are an inspiration

Mazal tov!

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Briut wrote on 16 Jun 2010 13:33:


MAZAL TOV!! wOOHOO!

1daat: thanks for the vote of senility. I resemble that remark.

Thanks to everyone for the mazel tovs.

I'm still struggling with the question: is it healthy to put all my compulsive energies into one corner of my life, even at the expense of other laudable goals. What else would be part of a new balance, if I slowed down in this area?

In the meantime, I'll keep plugging away. Day 101.

I wonder sometimes about what is an 'addiction' compared to a hobby, an obsession, a desire, etc. Somehow the word 'addiction' seems to push buttons. I just saw a piece on aish.com about an 'addiction' to the Mets (baseball, for all you int'l folk).  Thought I'd post a url and an excerpt here for future reference.

http://www.aish.com/sp/so/95491119.html

Going, going, gone.
excerpt:
[...] But, all too often, dominate, it did. Staying up too late, listening to the West Coast games became a near-necessity. My time in the car -- a potentially valuable commodity -- was wasted with incessant SportsTalk prattle. Meaningful conversations, especially with my sons and with friends, were overshadowed by statistical debates and mindless trivia. I convinced myself that I was bonding with them, and perhaps I was, but I knew deep down that more substantive bonding agents would work too.

Like it is with any addiction, there is no middle ground. I needed to go cold turkey.
And so, about ten years ago, I walked away from my favorite pastime. I continued my active, on-the-field competition, but I stopped watching, listening, reading, following, discussing, analyzing, and, above all, caring about my heroes of swat. Because like it is with any addiction, there is no middle ground. I could not become an occasional fan with a passing interest. It just wouldn’t work. I needed to go cold turkey. And so I did.

There was just one problem -- that didn’t work either.

I guess I just missed it too much, or needed it more than I thought. Maybe I just wasn’t ready, I don’t know. But before too long I was swept back in -- counting the days to Spring Training, questioning the choice of the split-finger fastball over the slow curve, and dissecting the stats of next week’s opponents. I can’t deny it -- it was fun. It made me feel young.
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Hmmnnn.

102 today!  Briut...you de man!  You give us all nachus.  Every player in Major League Baseball, nah, every player in professional and amateur baseball, nah, every player in little league, and all the umpires and all the millions of fans, everybody sends you MAZEL TOV!

Great baseball post.

INCREDIBLE HASHGACHA PRATIS MOMENTS.

#1. I surfed to an inappropriate site (not p**n, just American pritzus). I found a shirtless guy with six-pack abs and... anyhow, I got curious. I saw a big amateur tattoo just below his navel. I zoomed in. It was HEBREW script. I zoomed again. It read "ahavas Elo-him." Really! Could I make this up?! (Actually, it could have said ahuvas l'elohim or whatever -- I surfed away before checking the dikduk.)

#2. Sometimes when my hi-tech machines fail, I ask Him for an "electrical healing" as a matana. Yesterday, the backup disk with 3 years of ALL my documents failed. And the portable HD backup was corrupted. And I was in Trouble. Soon I saw Windows somehow made its own backup: without ANY logical reason why. My files are safe. B'chasdei Hashem. (Of course, who caused 3 drives to die in the first place - He must really want my prayers. Incredible, illogical hashgacha pratis.

So, what's the pshat? Well, I've been "stressed out over the stress" (??) of this GYE work. I ask myself how it helps my larger sholom bayis goals by putting ALL my energy here, compared to other sholom bayis work. Example: maybe less obsession over shmiras einayim and more on shmiras halashon would work better. So I've been making vague plans to fall for a coupla days, to regroup, recalibrate, whatever.

But now I'm going back and forth on this one. I've been telling myself (and my Y'H)... not today, maybe tomorrow. Then I say, it's about six MONTHS here and part of me is still "holding my breath" like a dry drunk. But now I'm thinking, if He's going to take time to make clear signs, maybe I should keep going. And these events sorta seal the case. At least for today.

(Remember the joke? "You were waiting for a SIGN? I sent you 3 boats & a HELICOPTER!")

I'm still learning from this work. How my OWN celibacy during niddah actually DOES affect her. How "charging up" with a little peek is pointless, even self-destructive, if I'm not going to "use it" later. I do wish I could really learn to treat her better, despite my bitterness that it's my marriage (& His 613) keeping me from occasional desires for arayos. So the journey goes on, now knowing it's not about the s*x anymore, it's about the ahava (love). As in hav (giving). Oy.

Day 108. (Also known as 178-1. Almost six months. Who would'a thought!)

Briut, great post.

Don't think of yourself as a dry drunk. Think of yourself as a person learning to live. For me, that is a big part of recovery.

Briuit, you are one of our favorite members on this forum by far. Many people here look up to you for inspiration. I know, because I get the PM's. And your recent post is just an example of the valiant spirit you have.

You also happen to be one of Hashem's favorite children.

When you give true love (hav), you get to take (kach = 108)

Keep up the good work.

"Thanks, Guard. I needed that."

Seriously, though, my commitment is suddenly feeling a little shaky. Why can't an alcoholic join the gang for happy hour every month or two, or on his birthday, or whatever. Why couldn't I "handle" a little more balance in terms of where I'm investing my psychological energies these days? I've moved SO far, SO fast; why can't I take a breather to get my "sea legs" back?

I've lost those answers.

I'm not asking anyone to provide those answers (it's like Dorothy leaving Oz -- you have to find it for yourself) but I am confessing that they're heavy on my mind. In the meantime, my answer to the siren call is, "not today; come back tomorrow." But the slips are getting more frequent, pushing me closer to a fall.

It's just a few days to 180 clean days (with a one day interruption, just so I'm honest here), and you'd think I'd have a better perspective here by now. Oy.

Briut, keep on going, man. You've come far. Very far. When I say keep going, I don't just mean staying away from physically falling. I mean in particular the mental fall.

We are all learning a holy, real way to live. Let's not cry out for Egypt. This desert is fine. We are en route to Mt. Zion, the highest region. 

It is natural to feel discomfort and wish for the releases of days gone by. But we are being forged into new men, being tempered into something holy. Like a beautiful work from a skilled craftsman, G-d will not strike the hammer to give us our shape unless the iron is hot. Soon, we will have gained our holy shape and will be put in the waters to cool. 

Continue to give it time. This agitation is natural, but hold on.

Peace is the highest blessing but it needs an adequate container to hold it. This is what G-d is making of our lives. 

Dear Briutsky,

As far as I have experienced (maybe said this before...probably did...whatever...) I do not get any better (at all) by staying sober, alone. Rather, I need to suffering as a result of being sober. Then in coming through that with His help, I come to see what it was i was using the lust to escape from facing about myself. And actually, though it feels otherwise to crazy me at the time, the suffering has nothing to do with the sobriety at all! I was suffering all along but never felt it till my drug was taken away...now if that's not wickedly deep, I don't know what is.

This might only be true for me, but somehow - I doubt it.



I am an addict. I tend toward nuttiness and dis-proportionality, generally. I consider whatever sanity I have as rather accidental on my part, a gift on Hashem's part. I am saying I too often. Uh-oh....Goodnight!

Thanks, guys. Both your comments were very much appreciated (and deep).